The Story Of Me?? Not Quite

This was originally titled "The Story Of Me", but it's not really that...It's a chapter of me. This helped mold some of my views and understandings on the way a relationship should work, and what I would want in the next one...

"The Story Of Me

I was on Latinboyz today, I was reading a post that asked how long was your longest relationship. I told MY story, but not THE story. No one knows the WHOLE story so I'm gonna tell it.

"When My Ex and I got together it was strange. Him and my roommates (Sandra and Janet) got into an argument. He yelled at them and I defended them because I knew them longer. I felt I was wrong, I shouldn't have involved myself in the argument, it wasn't my place. 2 weeks after that argument, I moved in with him. He lived with his family and came out to them when we got together. So I really think it was too quick of an adjustment for his family. Still, they invited me with open arms.

His step-father was a horrible person, calling me names and saying shit under his breath whenever I was around. It bugged me for a long time. His aunts, uncles cousins, sisters and brothers were always very nice to me.

About 2 years in to our relationship, his mother welcomed a friend of their family to stay. This guy had just been released from prison. This guys name was Marky. He was about 40 and a Veterano. He would talk to me about strange shit, and was really shifty.

That was the first time I saw my ex get jealous.

He thought Marky and I were fucking. So he started yelling at me and accusing me everytime I was home alone with Marky. One day me and his sister were chillin in tha room, playing video games, and listening to music, just talking about guys and stuff ( That's why I loved Inez so much, she was always the homey) my ex came home and asked why we were alone in the room with the door closed.

Inez left the room, and I told him how ridiculous he was being. His jealousy was a constant thing after that.

Our relationship went down hill. He started seeing someone that I knew. His name was Freddy. They worked together, Freddy introduced my ex to the other "Gays" at the mall and my ex started doing things behind my back. I didn't want to deal with it...I needed to get away from everything that I knew. I felt like I had done something to deserve all of this.

One day after work, I just left. I took some me time and went to the Del Amo Mall. I took the bus there so it took quite a while to get there. I didn't call anyone or answer my pages. My ex went to my mom's house and asked her if she knew where I was. She didn't know, cuz I make it a point, if I don't want you to find me, you won't. I couldn't believe how my relationship was turning out. I started this cycle, and it was my fault he was cheating on me.

At the mall, I was visited by my very first kiss, Jose Gomez. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to know if things would go back to normal. He had a relationship that lasted since he was 16. His boyfriend was in the Military at this time. He was 21 when we met up at the Mall. He told me " If he's cheating on you, it's best that you end it. If you fucked it up then that's your fault and you should take his punishment. Cheating is not a punishment, it's an excuse to fuck around with someone else. If he loved you he would have forgiven you, and said lets work on this then." I understood what he meant, It was my fault and I knew I had to pay. So I stood in the relationship. But knowing he had been with someone else made me feel ugly inside so I moved back in with my mom, and started hanging around with my friends again.

He didn't like it.

So I chose to see other people. He was fine with it, but whenever I would talk to a guy he would get possessive, and try to be all over me. When he met a guy, he would take them away and talk to them where I couldn't see. He was a cock block (so to speak). We would go out a lot together, as we tried to do the "friend" thing. It became much of a competition. I would work out, and he would berate me, and make fun of me. He would ask why am I working out and make me feel bad for doing it.

Then I met a guy named George. I knew him from High School. He was my bully, and I never knew he was gay. Till I saw him at a party with his boyfriend. When we started talking, he was single. We saw each other, one night at Oasis. He told me to give him a call but told me to get it from my friend. So I did, we talked. Hung out. But I did all this without letting my ex find out.

One night, George took me to the mountains when it was snowing. My ex kept blowing up my pager. I couldn't turn it off , in case my mom needed me. We got back in the car after about the 10th page. On the way back home, he told me " When I'm with someone I want them to be mine only." As I got home my ex was waiting in front. He had found out about George through my cousin. George saw him and asked me not to call him anymore. I walked inside pretty sad.

My ex started arguing with me and pushing me. Saying that he loved me, and why I didn't want him. I told him to keep his hands off of me, and to go home and stop making a scene. He hit me in the chest. I was taken aback. I didn't know what to do. I just stood there not understanding what just happened. I told my ex to go home B4 i called out my brother (who is a kick boxer.) I went inside and cried that night. From both pains.

The next day he came over and told me he wanted to be with me, I told him no. I liked someone else, but he didn't want anything to do with me. I didn't really think about the hit. He offered me a ride to work that day. In the car I was just sad about what George had told me. My ex started talking about how he loved me and I should stop talking about George. I told him no, and he hit me in the chest HARD.

My first reaction was to hit back. Sadly my aim is dead on, I punched him in the nose, and I covered the car in blood from his nose. I couldn't believe what I had just done. I told him to drive the car back to my house. I cleaned him up, and cried and told him I was sorry. We got back together that night.

Things thereafter, became abusive. I never fought back unless it felt like he was going to kill me.

He punched a whole in my bedroom wall, cracked my window, broke my desk, ripped some posters, and really just tried to vent the emotional pain he was going through.

One day, I was hanging out with a friend that I used to work with. He dropped me off at my ex's house. When I knocked on the door, my ex had someone there. I was shocked. I threw up, and he told me to go home. I went home, I cried so much. So I started dating again, I met a guy named Luis. He was really nice. We would talk for hours, and we did a lot of outdoor stuff. But my ex messed with that too. So I decided I would move to Arizona with my mother. I told Luis, and he asked me not to go and that if we could be a couple. I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship, but that I would date only him. I also told him I would stay, but things wouldn't be easy.

Well, whenever I was with Luis my pager would go off. Guess who? (I don't know why I kept him in my life.) So I decided I would just tell Luis, we couldn't see each other, because my ex would never leave us alone.

I started working alot of hours at Blockbuster. I wasn't looking for anyone I was just trying to BE. Everything that happened between me and my ex suk'd. I just wanted the alone to stop. I would go home and be awake till 6 in the morning, I would sleep for 2-3 hours, and get up and start my day. This continued for about 6 months. My ex and I remained friends because there was some kind of idiotic love between us.

Then someone met me. I didn't plan this, I just was working.

He was at the time, the most beautiful man I had ever met. His name was Jesse. He was a cop. It was his smile, I couldn't resist. My co-worker Christina helped hook it up. She was a loud mouth, but it worked out for the best.

We went out together. He would take me home. He took me to my first gig. He'd take me breakfast, lunch, and would take me and my co-workers to dinner. All the while being a perfect gentleman. He never tried anything on me. Never made a move. He hugged me a lot. On Halloween 2000, he took me to Weho in his cop uniform, handcuffed me, and said I was under arrest. He hugged me all through Weho.

I was going to go with my ex and his friends, but I found out he was inviting that guy he was sleeping with, i didn't want that drama. I also found out that he was trying to be available to everyone. So I guess it worked out for me.

Jesse said he was in love with me. That scared me. Jesse would page me telling me he loved me, call me and say it and every time before we'd part...he'd hug me tight and say "I love you."

My ex found out and started making me feel guilty. He would tell me, how can I see someone while he was still in my life. I felt bad and knew i needed to tell Jesse about my ex being in my life. He told me he didn't care that he could take me away from him and keep me safe.

I told him I wouldn't be able to return his love. As long as my ex was around or in my life, I could never be happy with someone else. After all, my ex and I worked for the same company, so I could never get away from him. With just one kiss between us. Jesse and I went our separate ways.

Later that year, I didn't want to be alone. So on Christmas I asked my ex to move in with me.

We were together until my family got evicted. Together we created this very destructive relationship.

When we started going to Chico's he started fucking around on me. He started sleeping with people, and going places where sex was happening, hooking up online.

I didn't find out till we weren't together anymore, and only because co-workers had seem him in these places, and I found him online trying to hit on me. I was being cheated on, and he was giving me a guilt trip about cheating on him.

The last day we were togther, he beat me up because I told him I was leaving him. He got mad because I was talking to someone he had slept with. Only, I didn't know who this person was.

This guy told me, that he'd never seen me before and asked how I knew my ex. The guy was inquiring because he said he had seen him "around".

I didn't believe the guy at first. Then, someone from work who, I'm pretty sure didn't know the other guy (my coworker was straight, and he didn't live around these parts) told me the same thing.

I later found out that a person he had slept with was HIV pos. So I wasn't going to take that chance on my life, if he had been safe or not. So after we left Chico's I told him I was breaking up with him. He beat me up pretty badly.

I just let him though. I left him vent and cry and be sad. I knew if he hurt me enough. this would all end. He would go away. And I could make sure it stayed that way. I knew that if he could hurt me enough, that pain would make me mad enough to stay away from him. It worked. I was free...and I didn't look back ever again."

I totally can't believe that I left out the part where he ran me over with his car....oh well, perhaps another blog....hahahaha