Good Daddy?

I sweat the small stuff too easy, I think...it's funny how time can change a person.

July 22, 2005

"Today Andrew and I got a cat. Well, we kinda got the cat cuz Sonia asked us to take him/her in. (That's what I like about Sonia, she cares like that.) We'll initially when Sonia asked I thought to myself "NO" Just really a reflex in my head because my Nina had always had cats, and she treats her cats better than she treats most people.

But then something kinda occured to me: The Next Step.

This was taking it. It's like this:

1. Date

2. Become A Couple

3. Move In Together

4. Animal

5. Engagement

6. Marriage

7. Children

So it's been two years, and we are at step 4 already, I really don't know what to think. I think to myself, this time it's serious huh? Then I thought to myself, "If my first thought was, I don't want the cat. Maybe I don't want children either."

I'm 25 years old, I have to want more than just what I have. Honestly, I do. Career wise and family wise, but this seems to be making me move. Maybe it's supposed to. Maybe this will help me decide what is right in my life. But what if I don't want to have to take care of a cat, or a child?

That thought tugs at my heart.

Does that mean that I haven't got that part in me? Does it have anything to do with the way I was raised? I never really know how to even interact with my Godson. I hold him, but it's not like I did when it was my baby sister, or brothers. I loved them to death, and would take care of them. Could it have something to do with that? Maybe because I had to take care of them when I was younger, I don't want to take care of anything but myself anymore?

That's fucken selfish. Or is it?

I really don't know.

One of the things that bugs me about it is, even though I don't know how I feel about having a cat, I refuse to call the cat "It". As though the cat is just a THING. You know what I mean? It's kinda like, you don't call a baby "It", as in "What's IT'S name?" Or "How old is IT?" It's just one of those things you don't do, at least I don't. So I think to myself, why?

I DO KNOW however, sometimes you can't just want something. Sometimes it has to be inside of you. Maybe I just want these things because it's normal. Maybe though, these things are not inside of my heart. "

I hate cats!!!!! hahahahaha