Not Quite The Way I Planned

But really, so few things ever really are...

February 1st, 2006

"Things get so difficult in life and then you forget your way, you don't think about the things that you wanted to do. You only KNOW what you HAVE to do.

For the past two weeks, I have been racking my brain about what I know I NEED to get done. I kinda felt like a loser when no one would call me back for a job. 15 jobs in a week. Not one call. I was so sad and interrupted, I was letting it affect me. I was letting it affect US. I felt as though I didn't contribute to our relationship, and ultimately our partnership. It is supposed to be US together helping on this new life. But I found it to be just one of us. I thought the decision I had made was wrong. I should have never left. I should have stood in there and stuck it out.

I talked to my mom about it and she told me not to think like that, and to give it some time. I hadn't realized that I wanted them to call me back the NEXT DAY. HAH! How long did it take for us to call people back when we were hiring? How long did going over applications take? I was forgetting that, although people make decisions over night, companies do not. I guess I just got so tired of sitting around and waiting. I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted something to happen NOW. I forgot I had to wait. So as I started to wait, I started to pray. I asked GOD for a little bit of help. Not that I don't pray to HIM, I just hadn't been doing it because I was so down on myself. So I remembered the strength and faith that I had when I do pray to him, and MOM told me not to forget him. So I didn't. The greatest thing of all if my mothers faith in GOD. She instills that in all of us.

Next day I get a call back. The following day after that, I get another call. Awesome!!!

I had an interview today. I was nervous as heck. I knew everything to say. I knew how to keep my cool. I knew that I could impress this person with everything I knew and how to do it. I knew how I had gotten to where I was. I had rehearsed it so many times before. I was gonna play this beautiful symphony that I had written myself. Then, when it came down to it...I just forgot. I was jittery, and stuttering. I held my breath, and was at a loss for words. But not just any words, the right words. The ones that I knew I wanted to say. They were all there, in my head. But they wouldn't come out. I had finally figured out what I wanted out of a job, and I couldn't remember what those things were.

You'd think that after all this time, after everything that I knew I wanted and everything that has happened, I would just spill out my charisma and experience.

I know though, at the end of the interview I impressed her. Even if it was just an AD-LIB. I didn't do it the way I wanted to do it, but I did Fill In The Blanks. Cuz I may have fucked up the concert, but my ass got a standing ovation for winging it."