This was written on July 12, 2005
"So here's the prob: This weekend I'm supposed to go and visit my mom in Vegas cuz it's her birthday tomorrow.
I found out my Dad was there with her.
I know it sounds funny just to say it like that, but he left us when I was 10 and I haven't seen him since around the time my brother Jr. passed away.
I thought I was gonna be okay to hear from him, kinda like "Yay my Dad is back." but it's not like that at all. Every time I either have the chance to talk to him, or I know that he's around my Mom. I get so angry I cry.
It's disgusting. I can't stand it. I think that him leaving really fucked me up inside about what I feel for him. I feel abandoned. I feel that if he would have been around I would have turned out different. I feel that things would have been better and I would never have done most of the things that I did. All I can ever think of when I think of him is all the bad things. I don't remember the good. But I'm sure that there has to be some things because I wouldn't be angry inside if there wasn't.
I really don't know what approach to take. I know I have to tell him. I have to let him know how much I missed him. I wish I could have learned to play basketball, but he left me with nothing. No imparted wisdom, or memorabilia. I wish I had my Dad to protect me from the bad people in my life. I don't care that him and my Mom didn't stay together, I love my baby brothers and sisters. I would never replace them for anything in the world. But Dammit he said he would always be there for us.
He fuckin owes us a lifetime. 15 years he owes us. I'm so disappointed. I can't stand to be disappointed again. I want to know why he left. I don't think I can say what's damaged in my heart to him. I have so much good advice from great people in my life, but I don't really know how to go about it.
I feel like a little boy again.
He's not my real Dad, but he raised me. He's the only man I know that I loved like a Father and knew he was doing right to treat me like I am his son.
It took me so long to call him Dad, but he earned my heart. He earned that love and respect.
Then he threw it away when he left. I was alone. All three of us were alone. The kids had their Dad, but Richy, Ruben and I didn't. It was painful and it was a jealous feeling. I have missed my Father for a long time. There is so much he missed out on. So much that can never be replaced or done over. I have one day to decide what to do. Sooner or later I have to make that decision. It's festering, growing ugly. I need mend my heart, or at least get closure before it's too late. This is the only part of my life that sux right now."
I found out my Dad was there with her.
I know it sounds funny just to say it like that, but he left us when I was 10 and I haven't seen him since around the time my brother Jr. passed away.
I thought I was gonna be okay to hear from him, kinda like "Yay my Dad is back." but it's not like that at all. Every time I either have the chance to talk to him, or I know that he's around my Mom. I get so angry I cry.
It's disgusting. I can't stand it. I think that him leaving really fucked me up inside about what I feel for him. I feel abandoned. I feel that if he would have been around I would have turned out different. I feel that things would have been better and I would never have done most of the things that I did. All I can ever think of when I think of him is all the bad things. I don't remember the good. But I'm sure that there has to be some things because I wouldn't be angry inside if there wasn't.
I really don't know what approach to take. I know I have to tell him. I have to let him know how much I missed him. I wish I could have learned to play basketball, but he left me with nothing. No imparted wisdom, or memorabilia. I wish I had my Dad to protect me from the bad people in my life. I don't care that him and my Mom didn't stay together, I love my baby brothers and sisters. I would never replace them for anything in the world. But Dammit he said he would always be there for us.
He fuckin owes us a lifetime. 15 years he owes us. I'm so disappointed. I can't stand to be disappointed again. I want to know why he left. I don't think I can say what's damaged in my heart to him. I have so much good advice from great people in my life, but I don't really know how to go about it.
I feel like a little boy again.
He's not my real Dad, but he raised me. He's the only man I know that I loved like a Father and knew he was doing right to treat me like I am his son.
It took me so long to call him Dad, but he earned my heart. He earned that love and respect.
Then he threw it away when he left. I was alone. All three of us were alone. The kids had their Dad, but Richy, Ruben and I didn't. It was painful and it was a jealous feeling. I have missed my Father for a long time. There is so much he missed out on. So much that can never be replaced or done over. I have one day to decide what to do. Sooner or later I have to make that decision. It's festering, growing ugly. I need mend my heart, or at least get closure before it's too late. This is the only part of my life that sux right now."
Oh Pops.... :-)
1 comment:
Thats a hard thing to realize.. that your dad owes you 15 years... Can't go down the road of thinking what could have been if he stayed.
I wrote this to my father one day... I dont think he ever got it, but his adopted daughter took the time to filter it out.
Here is the post of the email:
http://theahb.blogspot.com/2008/06/hal-blaine.html
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