In a perfect world???

Scenario:

Think about it....

As someone, you're an individual. You have thoughts and feelings that you just quite don't understand sometimes. Things that may hurt people. You have to watch what you say and choose your words correctly. There are do's and don't's. You can't act how you want and you have to hold back so much. You get to love some of the greatest things, and find passion for life in the simplest of pleasures. The feel of the grass between your toes is just as wonderful as a cool breeze on a hot summer day. Love at first sight is something you dream of. Crying is such a release....and smiles light your way.

The world that we live in is just so corrupt and in some cases unbearable. The paper, the news, the talk at the water cooler about how Tom in payroll just lost his home. Things you can't control. It's a nasty business.

But most people will say "that's life...it's hard". What's hard for one person is easy for another. People go through things you couldn't even imagine. Some people have a golden road paved out for them before their even released from the womb.

Sounds like a roller coaster, huh? Up and down back and forth...God it's so confusing.

But what if you were given the option to avoid all of that?

No pain or suffering. No hate or displeasure. No waiting for the moment when everything makes more sense. No frustration. It's all just made up for you. You wouldn't have to feel or worry about anything. Destiny will be clear and cut for you. Just a constant clear mind because you already know what's at the end of the road. A place where everyone is equal...COMPLETELY EQUAL.

Could you give up the feeling you get when you smell a cologne that reminds you of someone? How about the way your body reacts when you hear a song? The feeling of a first kiss? Compassion? Emotional Attachment?

Would you give all that up to know that every awful emotion, instance and problem that MAY happen or does happen in the world, wouldn't happen anymore?


If you were offered what seemed to be a perfect world....

Would you do it?

Don't take it personal

Okay...so finally...this is the last piece of blog. I got here and now things will be and are different. Things ARE different....

March 7, 2008

"So it has come to my attention by a few people that I have singled them out. Apparently, I have not taken the time to sit back and gab about the things that we once did.

Some people don't receive calls, text messages, emails, or even myspace comments.

Now, do me a favor before you continue reading this...and understand that I say this because MY situation needs to be cleared up. I need to set things straight so that everyone is on the same page and you all understand where i am coming from. The only thing that is personal about this, is that I am writing every individual who has told me lately "You don't have time for me anymore" Or, "Someone else has taken my spot".

Last year, things were so different. If you really are my friend, then you totally understand where I am coming from when I say that. I was in a different place, doing different things. Time was all I had.

I wasn't working, I wasn't going to school. I wasn't doing anything at all but hanging out and spending lots of time with all of my friends. It was an easy kick back time.

Then, I had to fight extremely hard for somethings that I really wanted and needed in my life. And I got it. All my hard work had paid off and I appreciated that all of you were there for me so much. The time that you spent cheering me on and giving me that push to endure, was and is to this day appreciated in ways you can not even imagine.

I thank God every single day for the gift of you in my life.

Those days of hanging out so frequently are gone though. And honestly, not because I want them to. I would love to be with any of you, or all of you when I have the free time, but in the life that I have to live right now...that can't be the case.

I don't have the time to really do anything. I need you to understand and NOT JUST SAY you understand. I have been trying to keep my head above water. This job that I have, has been so extremely demanding that it has unfortunately put a strain on things even closer to home.

From the start of my day I am bombarded with questions and problems. I have to come up with answers to thing that I don't even know yet. But I HAVE to do these things.

At the end of my work day, I am exhausted. I have enough time to eat get my things ready for the next day, kiss my fiancee good night and get ready to do start the process all over again.

The situation has been a task throughout. What I do IS NOT EASY. it may seem like it would be easy, or that at the END OF MY DAY I could just go out and relax. That's not how it is. My day DOESN'T end. I get calls while I'm sleeping sometimes about a situation that needs to be handled.

Honestly, it got to a point where I would walk out of work extremely upset for weeks. And rant and pick at all the things that were wrong with my day. I started smoking 2 packs a week. It was a very serious issue. One weekend, I even turned off my phone only to find out that I had 4 messages from work.

And on weekends, every errand that I should have run, every promise to be somewhere for someone is what I have to figure out what to do. And sometimes, all I want to do is stay in bed. But I can't, because we ALWAYS have something to do.

Lately, the only time that I have had to be with my papi is when we spontaneously say "let's go to the mall" or on a Friday or Saturday night. Sunday's are just days to finish doing the errands we didn't get to during the week.

At night, we lay in bed exhausted from our days. It's tiring guys. It's not like it used to be...I have a responsibility to make sure that I can take care of my papi the way he has done for me.

I'm not saying you are unimportant, but being successful and doing what needs to be done is more important than having fun.

I love you guys, with all my heart. And I haven't forgotten you. But this is the case for EVERYONE. Right now, with everything so hectic and chaotic but some how STRUCTURED. There is only a little time to breathe...

That's all I think I have time for...to breathe. Cuz when I am done, I look around and see that there is so much that needs to be done.

Please, just bare with me. Don't take it personal..I'm not trying to single you out. I barely have time to spend with my papi. When I have the time, I will do my best to show you that I haven't forgotten about you, nor have you been replaced."

You know what has also come to my attention?? I hate the word RECEIVE!!!!! As I was pasting my blog here....I would run a spell check. That fuckin word kept popping up (even as I spelled this last one...GRRRRR)

What a quitter

This happens to be my funniest post ever....

January 2, 2008

"So I'm sitting here at work completely exhausted from this wonderful and great party weekend that I had.

I was pretty sure that I was ten years younger than I actually am, with the way that I behaved this weekend. Good old "DAVID" was hitting the club and destroying his liver like he was 18 again.

I was out almost everyday guzzling down whatever alcoholic beverage you threw at me.

I was a champion!!

LOL

There was even a day that I DIDN'T drink, but my body had the sluggish symptoms of what would have been a hangover.

Today will be the first day, in about 4, that I haven't had something to drink.

New Years was a beautiful blurr of shiny objects, drinks thrown to and fro, flirtations, and cold, inconsiderate weather!

And so, as we all know....when the new year rolls by we choose to give up some kind of bad habit or addiction.

Naturally, one would assume that I would give up the good ole alky. But no...I drink because it makes me feel sexy and cool, and of course there's nothing like the feeling of being hit by a truck the next morning to make a person feel extra glamorous.

So I chose to give up something else that made me EQUALLY attractive as an alcoholic with liver poisoning.

Smoking. (Just seeing the word is making me want one right now...GRRRRR)

Now the denial that an addict has is pretty intense. They believe that they can quit at any time. They have this made up lie, embedded into their brain, that they are the master of this need for stimuli. As Foxxy Love would say, "We ain't slaves to nothin but the rhythm" Not to mention, there is always an excuse why they really don't need to give it up.

That's not true at all. It's one of the hardest things to do. To give something up cold turkey without any kind of waining system.

To just stop.

It's only been one day, but it seems like my body knows what I am up to and wants a cigarette.

I'm not a person who craves. I never want a cigarette unless I have a pack on me. Some how NOW...it's not the case anymore. I guess I'm going to have to admit it...I am addicted to looking MAD SEXY and cool. And Cigarettes help me to attain the look I'm going for.

BUT...apparently as cool as cigarettes make me look, the SMELL, from what I hear is not so cool.

So this year...I will do my best to try and keep my sex appeal WITHOUT the crutch of a cigarette.

I know what you are thinking, "But Franky...You can't possibly look as gorgeous as you do with out a cigarette." and " How in the world are you going to smell as truly fabulous as you do when you've been smoking??!"

I honestly, 100% completely know where you are coming from.

I really truly don't want to deprive anyone the opportunity to bask in the beauty that is me walking in from outside reeking of ashtray. Or kissing my nicotine riddled mouth. OR seeing me hack up something green and not be sure if it's mucus or a piece of lung But you are just going to have to try and love me for who I AM and not how totally awesome I look when holding a cigarette and wearing my nicotine cologne!!!"

I think i should do stand up or something...this is great material!!!

Movie

I didn't realize that I had blogged so much on Mi Espacio...


December 28, 2007

"I'm writing this now because I damn well know that I won't have the capacity to sit down in front of the computer for the next couple of days. (NO sickos, not for the reason you think....well, at least not until my birthday....hahaha)

This year....WOW....what can I say about this year, that hasn't already been blogged about.

It's important to remember all the things that happened to me so that I won't repeat the same mistakes again.

This year began as a seemingly wonderful adventure that was going to end in a huge climactic scene, but somewhere further down the line, where I am in the battle to save the galaxy. Alas, this movie had a huge twist that no one saw coming. I didn't really think that I was living an M. Night movie. I was hoping for more of a Peter Jackson feel. (Minus losing a finger)

In the twist, things went so down hill that I thought this was the end. Actually I just wanted it to be the end. it was a situation where I didn't want to keep looking. I put my hands over my eyes to avoid the gruesome scene that was unfolding before my eyes. Truthfully, I wanted to walk of set.

I read the script, and I wanted the part...but then someone changed the script. Apparently, someone got a hold of the first draft and didn't like what was on the page. So to mix it up, they threw in all sorts of bad things....One right after another.

A stolen identity.

An almost arrest.

A job denied.

A court scene.

A move.

A struggle.

Hopelessness.

A fight scene.

A betrayal.

and the end of the world.

And the thing about it was that, I hadn't studied my lines or practiced. i just went on set and ad-libbed everything.

This movie...was starting to suck. It started to become one of those films that you just wish it was over because the character had endured so much.

But then, it was so comical. Like you couldn't help but laugh in hysterics at the irony of the whole situation.

It was all planned out, carefully..the way that things were supposed to go. But as you continue to watch, it looks like the actors were fumbling on purpose. Like it was supposed to be a sort of satire on things not to do in a situation like this. As many thing that can go wrong the characters end up saying "OOPS...." and then cue the laugh track ala "I LOVE LUCY"

But it's not really that simple is it. If life was just a movie, or it really could be written and you could take the parts you want and turn down the ones that don't seem appealing, that would make things a billion times more wonderful.

So as the credits started to roll...I wanted to pick up another script and get right back to making another movie.

We'll just say that the last film I made was what gave me my big break. I was tenured on what i would be looking for in the next movie. I wanted something that was a bit more serious. With a bigger part. A character that was on his way to greatness. So I decided to take hold and make my own movie.

So I applied myself. I fought hard. I waited. I did everything possible to be this character and make this movie the way that I NEEDED it to be.

And finally, I'm here...I made it. The last movie I made was a major flop. It's in the bargain bin at Sav-on for .99.

Although, this is just the start of something I can feel is spectacular, I won't say that this is the greatest movie ever made. But it is, a good movie.

I understand what it takes to play this part. I am the hero. I am the man that saves the day.

And now, at the close of this year...it's all finally taking off. Everything is going according to schedule.

I put the last year behind me. I am more than happy to see it go and look forward to this masterpiece that I am about to partake in.

Magnificence doesn't sum up the words...

More so....OSCAR WORTHY!!"

Triumph

Things get just a bit better now....getting closer to my dreams...

October 29, 2007

"Well, FUCK IT ALL. hahahahaha

It's been a while since I've been this genuinely happy. All those instances of defeat and angst turn around and cower in the corner. They have been defeated.

It was an extremely difficult two months. I didn't think that life would have ever gotten as bad as it did, but IT did.

Today though, is my victory. I won. I beat it all.

Two weeks ago, I had an interview with Bank Of America. They didn't want me. I was a bit sad because I thought that I did a really great job of impressing them. I thought my experience and enthusiasm would be enough to get me that job that I knew I'd be wonderful at.

The interview ended rather abruptly, though. I wasn't quite sure how to react to it, and I left wondering if that was the end of the process or was there something more that should have happened.

I was down on myself because I thought that I should have done better. I have never in my life felt as rejected as I did the day that they called me back and said that they were going to go with other candidates.

For every interview that I had been on, I had ALWAYS gotten the job. No position had ever called me back and said "you do NOT have the job". It was a huge blow to my ego. I thought I had lost that ability to win people over and let them know what a great person I was. Most of all, I thought that I had used up my chances to find something that I would be really good at and that pays well.

Thanks to Gloria, she gave me a bit of an inside tip that FedEx was hiring. She said they were looking for people to fill a really great position. That same day, I had tried to apply online, but their website was going to be down for a week. truthfully, I wasn't even going to bother with it. I was just going to try to get something that I would be overqualified for and just bite the bullet on the pay. My thought processes was "hey, at least you'd be working". So after the week went by...I hadn't heard back from any other jobs I applied for (I am truly convinced that the jobs that you apply for through CalJobs are all fake...I mean come on...12 jobs and NOT ONE called me back??? Yeah right!!!) so I decided to fill out an application for FedEx.

Wouldn't ya know...that not even 48 hours later, I got called in for an interview. I was shocked. I went in for the first interview with the manager...she was a really sweet girl. She passed me on to the next interview. I thought, okay...I must've done good.

So the next interview was with the girl I was going to be replacing. She passed me on to the next interview. I was getting more confident that I was going to get it.

The next interview (which I thought was going to be my last) lasted only 15 minutes. I thought I worked my charm a bit too much, joking and laughing with the guy (he was so HOTT)...but he told me that I should hear something by the following day from the district manager.

Now....for the entire week while I was going through deliberations, I could not sleep. I just wasn't tired and it was really the only thing on my mind (was I going to get the job???) I was just stressin' about how much I really wanted this. How it was going to change everything for the better. EVEN BETTER than from the way things were when we lived on our own. It was going to erase all the horrible bad things that have been going on for the past few months.

It was going to make things matter.

The last day of the week (Friday) I got a call from the district manager. I was caught off guard and wasn't really expecting him to do a phone interview. It was even more brief than the one with the hottie.

And then I had to wait. I knew that I wouldn't receive a call until Monday...so it festered. I started doubting myself and believing that they would turn me down too. But then like the flip of a coin, I believed that they wouldn't put me through 4 interviews to tell me that I don't have the job. 3 out of 4 must have liked me to keep putting me through the next level and that was all I really needed.

Today I could not sleep. I went to bed around 4 and lied in bed till 530 before I dozed off. I kept dreaming that I received the call telling me if I got the job. Sometimes the dream would say I got it. Sometimes the dream would say that I didn't get it. Sometimes the dream would say I have to go on another interview. I was going a bit psycho in my sleep.

This morning I got a call....and they offered me the position. Actually, the word that she used was "I would like to extend you an offer to come work for our company...are you still interested?" I honestly couldn't contain myself. I thought I was dreaming again. I asked her "are you fer real??" and she said yes. Everyone really liked my attitude and think that I would make a perfect asset to the company. There was a bit of me laughing like a crazy man...but it stopped when I caught myself...LOL

So there it is.

I got the job. I did it. It's WONDERFUL.

And I couldn't have done this without all the wonderful people that have supported me through this time. You are all simply amazing. Your strength and encouragement have lifted me so high that the sky is no where to be seen.

Erika and Gloria: Thanks so much for letting me bug you guys in the morning. Thanks for giving me a place to stay and a word from the heart. Thanks for all the hugs and laughter to get me through this time. I love you guys extremely. You guys and you family are like my family. Thanks for making me feel so good about being alive.

Roxie: You have the kind of inspiration that no one has ever mastered. Your faith in God and your understanding towards the situation helped get me through also. The thing that echoed in my head is what you said to me the day I went for my first interview "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. He has bigger plans for you and doesn't want you to have that B of A job." You were so very correct. Thanks Miss Roxy Heart. I love you.

Richard and Nancy: You guys...damn...there are never enough words for you guys. It was just great to be able to talk to you and tell you guys everything. It was great to see such warmth and hope in your eyes. You guys are the family that has been with me longer than anyone over the years. Even though the chips are down (and they have been DOWN) you guys have always been there for anything that I may ever need. I appreciate that so very much. I hope that one day I will be able to repay that kindness tenfold. I love you guys.

Papi: Jeezus....what in the world would I do without my anchor? I have lived this life for so long, but was so broken and out of place without you. You fix me and put all the pieces together. You give me reason and meaning. Even though things were horrible, you stood by me and supported me. With no pressure, just the encouragement to assess and conquer. I thank God for you everyday. I love you...I love you....I love you...I love you.

To all the rest. Daisy, Matt, Jay, Amber, Karla and Ricky. I didn't forget about you all that made every horrible day so much more livable. The world may be a bad place, but with all of you MY world is a paradise. Thanks for being there, for the little notes of kindness. For the prayers at night. For being apart of my life and my heart. I find peace of mind because you have all helped me in tremendous ways. Your friendship is invaluable...

And thank you God, my Lord and Savior, for surrounding me with all these wonderful people and great experiences. I know that I can not take the good without the bad. I know that everything that you bring in to my life is here because you want it there. I thank you for humbling me and giving me the opportunity to re-evaluate everything in my life. I lost the meaning of everything I had, and took it all for granted. Thanks for making me see those things that are truly wonderful. And those things that should not be taken for granted."

Have You Ever Been Low??

This was the lowest point in my life...I didn't want to continue live, right before I wrote this.

September 15, 2006

"Okay...I was aggravated when I wrote the first blog. NOW, I'm even more aggravated because it erased and I had to rewrite it.

So let's begin with how much the shit has been going on this week.

Do you ever feel like when everything is going wrong that nothing else could happen to make it worse, and then something does?

When it gets to this point, you automatically shut down and say..."Bring It"...and the walls of reality crumble. Everything that you possibly think could go wrong, does. (and a bit of things that you don't)

Let's start at the beginning.

First, I'd like to say that the beginning of this year was wonderful. An all expenses paid trip to Washington, to kick it with the United States Olympic Luge Team. A trip to Oahu, Hawaii for a stay at the Marriot, right on the beach of Waikiki. Many of my good friends and family had new additions to their families. A proposal. Met some great new people and had many amazing experiences with friends.

Now for the bad part:

In August, Andrew was put on suspension. Why, you ask? Well, his company rewards their employees who do great sales with trips. This chick that he worked with, set him and a few others up by reporting them to HR and saying that they were doing fraudulent activity to customer accounts. HR started an investigation. Then that chick tells them that she fears for her life, because Andrew and a few others made threats to her. They put him on suspension with out pay. Andrew doesn't even know the girl and would never threaten anyone, over a something like that.

We had to think fast and make a plan of action before it was too late, and just in case things didn't work out the way that we had hoped they would.

We decided to move out. Without them paying him, we wouldn't be able to afford all of our bills.

We moved on Sept 1. It was difficult. We were giving up a lot. Our privacy, our memories, the place that for 4 years we called home. It was really hard and it put an extreme strain on our relationship. We were forced to let go of a life we had built together.

I had to quit my job, because it was too far. I got sick for a very long time. I was depressed and homesick. I didn't want to get up in the morning. Where we moved to, made me feel trapped. I felt like there was nothing there for me.

Things slowly started to deteriorate. For a moment.....we gave up.

I snapped out of it before it was too late. I got my ass up in the morning to face the world. No matter how cruel or horrible it was going to get, I was going to face it...head on.

And so it got worse.

Yesterday I found out that Bally's background check discovered that, apparently, I have a felony on my record. For what you ask? For driving without a license in Culver City!! For those of you that don't know, let me give you the 4 reasons why this would never be true.

1. I don't have a license
2. I don't drive.
3. I don't have a car.
4. I have no reason to be in Culver City, nor have I ever.

I called the courts to dispute this. They tell me that I have to go through their process, to find out if it was me or not. Apparently, this person who claimed to be me missed the court date. That's not a good thing. So this process that they want me to go through, means that I may have to go to jail. I'm actually pretty pissed off about this and am sure why many people think that the Law is sometimes a joke.

To continue with all the wonderful news about yesterday, Andrew's company concluded their investigation. They decided to let Andrew go. It was sad and hurtful because he gave his heart and soul to that damned place. He stuck through hours of traffic, sat through their mandatory overtime, became leader in their group improvement meetings. He worked his ass off for them. He hung in there and didn't look for another job. He was faithful to them. But all because some dumb bitch wanted to go on a trip to the Bahama's, she deceived, lied, and messed up the lives of several people who were better than her. (karma's a bitch...you'll gets what's coming to you.)


So to conclude with yesterday's events: (bit of a back story) Andrew had applied for a job at another company about 2 weeks ago. He went to the interview and they offered him the job on the spot. They told him that they would send out a packet that contained the information that they would need. He waited a week. He never received the packet. He called the office and they told him that they sent out the packet on Friday. He should have received it on Monday. Monday came and went. He called again on Tuesday. They said they sent it out on Monday. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went. On Thursday, he called again. They said they sent it out. Andrew finally said, "can I just go over there and pick it up?" sure nuff they had his packet there.

However, the packet was entirely wrong. Andrew's name was misspelled, they had the wrong contact information on it, and the wrong address. He then had to call and tell them they had made such great errors. They said they would call him back. They never did. He sent in the packet last week. He went in for their drug test which thankfully was in Walnut. They still hadn't called him back.

Yesterday rolls by and he finally receives a call from them requiring more information that he had sent to them in the packet, but was supposed to be sent to a person in particular.

The information they say that he provided was invalid. (which it damn well wasn't because the other company he worked for accepted the information AND had called to verify it was valid, so I don't know what this new company's problem was..it just seemed that they were not on their A game with the run around they kept giving Andrew) So they decide not to hire him.

At that point I knew, that was the lowest we could get.

I feel defeated. I feel like I need something physical to fight, because it's so much more easy to fight something you can see. I could be angry at that girl for fucking things up for us. I could be angry at the company for not believing in Andrew. I could be angry at the person who used my information to ruin my record. I could be angry at the Law for not doing a better job at identifying the law breakers. I COULD JUST BE ANGRY. But that would just be wasted energy.

If there is anyone that I should be angry with, it's myself. I should have better planned for a situation like this. I should have been able to sit back and laugh because this is really no biggie, and I go my stuff on squared away.

I will not, however, falter and be run down. I WILL NOT GIVE UP!

Bright side to this? I've learned so much from this. I know what I will do so that I will NEVER be in this situation again. I think that was the lesson I was supposed to learn. And I did.

I'm pretty sure though, that this is as bad as it gets. I'm well aware that I am at my lowest.

No place left to go but up."

Scream

This is one of those instances where, you never really know who your REAL friends are...

August 4, 2007

(this has nothing to do with ANYONE of my friends..I love you all so very much)

I post this today because life was just a bit to hard today. People tend to be who they truly are and I try to help, but they distort what is true, and what I can see is all that I can "advise"...To those people: you cut me. And it stays with me. I talk about it.... I release it. But I know that the next day that I am there...I will see it once again. You think that your words hurt no one. You think that we are not people, just like you. We breathe, we live, we bleed the same color as you...YOU piss me off.

I take it.

You yell at me..I take it.

You belittle me and rape me with your words...I apologize and try to find a solution...But at the end of MY day, when you have said your peace, and walked away with a sense of accomplishment and fruitfulness...you have gotten to me, just a bit....YOU ASSHOLES DRIVE ME INSANE!!!!!

All that's left is for me to scream!

Tired of injustice
Tired of the schemes
The lies are disgusting
So what does it mean
Kicking me down
I got to get up
As jacked as it sounds
The whole system sucks

Peek in the shadow
Come into the light
You tell me I'm wrong
Then you better prove you're right
You're sellin' out souls but
I care about mine
I've got to get stronger
And I won't give up the fight

With such confusions don't it make you wanna scream
Your bash abusin' victimize within the scheme

You try to cope with every lie they scrutinize

Somebody please have mercy
'cause I just can't take it
Stop pressurin' me
Just stop pressurin' me
Stop pressurin' me
Make me wanna scream
Stop pressurin' me
Just stop pressurin' me
Stop pressurin' me
Make you just wanna scream


Tired of you tellin' the story your way
It's causin' confusion
You think it's okay


You keep changin' the rules
While I keep playin' the game
I can't take it much longer
I think I might go insane


With such confusion don't it make you wanna scream
Your bash abusin' victimize within the scheme

You find your pleasure scandalizin' every lie

Oh father, please have mercy 'cause I just can't take it
Stop pressurin' me
Just stop pressurin' me
Stop pressurin' me
Make me wanna scream
Stop pressurin' me
Just stop pressurin' me
Stop fuckin' with me
Make me wanna scream


"oh my god, can't believe what I saw
As I turned on the tv this evening
I was disgusted by all the injustice
All the injustice"

"all the injustice"

(news man)
"a man has been brutally beaten to death by
Police after being wrongly identified as a
Robbery suspect. the man was
An 18 year old black male..."


With such collusions don't it make you wanna scream
Your bash abusin' victimize within the scheme

You try to cope with every lie they scrutinize

Oh brother please have mercy'cause I just can't take it
Stop pressurin' me just stop pressurin' me
Stop pressurin' me make me wanna scream
Stop pressurin' me just stop pressurin' me
Stop pressurin' me make me wanna scream
Stop pressurin' me just stop pressurin' me
Stop pressurin' me make me wanna scream
Stop pressurin' me just stop pressurin' me
Stop pressurin' me make me wanna scream"

On the Right Path...

June 18, 2007

"Well, I finally got my grades back from the last semester of school.

I was a little wary of what I was going to get, because frankly, I didn't really try as hard as I normally do.

Save for my Anthropology class. You would assume that the study of Witchcraft, Religion, and Magic would be fun. It sooooo wasn't. The entertainment industry really glamorizes witchcraft and magic, but it isn't at all...and neither are the people that teach it.

It seems to me that the study of ANYTHING is boring...LOL

But back to what I was saying....I was expecting medicore grades in all 3 of my classes. My heart just wasn't into it the beginning of the year at all (I got a bit discouraged because I found out that the test I took to get my High School Diploma, at the time, was not a Unifed School District registered school to take the test. In other words, the school wasn't supposed to be offering the CHPSE and more than likely did it for the money. So since I don't have my Diploma...i have to pay for school and I receive no financial aid) but I did what was necessary to stay in the class.

I missed alot of days, but did all the work. I didn't do any of the extra credit. I did just enough to get by. I was a medicore student.

I DID, HOWEVER, study like a muthafucka when it came to test time. I would cram for an entire day and then go take my tests.

I did 3 reports in all 3 classes, and aced them all with some of the top grades for reports in the class (in my anthro class I got the second highest grade...there were only 6 people in the class but YES...it does matter)

In my anthro class, I was aiming for a C....that shit fuckn hard, and from what everyone that has taken that teacher, they all told me the highest grade she gives is a C...so that was my goal.

in reality, that class was my main focus. I had taken that class two other times and recieved F's both times...because I dropped.

My Child Dev. class I was aiming for at least a B...especially with all the time that I DIDN'T put in to it. (But it's my major, so I need to do better next time)

My Chicano's studies class I didn't really care about it, it was just a fun class (although very needed) with a fun teacher who made learning fun...so I didn't think I really had to try..it was my bad totally...I shouldn't treat school like that.

In the end...I recieved:

B = Chicano Studies
B = Child Development
C = Antropology

I was really surprised. I wasn't at my best, and I still rocked it. I am extremely happy and so excited now ( I didn't think that I was going to get such good grades...and I really thought that I wasn't on track with what I wanted to achieve...but it turns out that I am VERY on track....thanks so much Kathy)

My papi told me "I am proud of you...you weren't at your best and you still did good. Imagine if you actually had tried"

He is so right. I let myself get down for something that made me feel like I had failed along the path. I didn't though...I'm doing really well. If I would have applied myself...I'd still have A's in all my classes.

Sure B's aren't bad...(and the highest grade an Anthro teacher will give is even better..LOL)but I want them A's...I will graduate with an AA in Spring of 2008...This is something that I have worked so hard for....I can't wait....You can bet your ass I will apply myself so that I will have what I want..."

HAWAII...BE JEALOUS!!!

MAY 23, 2007

"Well, as you all know (because I insistently keep reminding everyone) I just got back from a very wonderful and amazing trip to Hawaii.

There was so much to do and see...I just wanted everyone that I didn't talk to yet, know everything that Papi and I did. So here goes:

We left to the air port at 6 in the morning to be there by 8. Our plane was supposed to leave at 10, but they were having some maintenance issues and we didn't end up leaving until 2 p.m. I was pissed. (So were alot of other people) The plane ride was really smooth and no no turbulence. We flew for about 5 1/2 hour...but it really seemed longer than that cuz I really just wanted to get there.

We got there at 4:15 p.m. (3 hours behind over there). From the sky you could see how beautiful and blue the water was. it was amazing. We got off the plane and the weather was a bit warm, but with a wonderful breeze to keep you from sweating (In my opinion...the weather there is perfect)

We pick up our luggage and go hail a taxi. Would you fuckin believe that our taxi was a Limo?? It was like shit started off on a high note. (well shit IN Hawaii anyways)

Just to let you know...Hawaii has the same problems with Rush Hour Traffic...but the scenery is great, so that's really not a problem.

We get to our hotel, which is the Marriot at Waikiki, and all I really cared about was the view from our balcony. You could see the world from here. 16th floor, and the sun had set just perfect.

We unpacked and went to go grab something to eat. Most places were open, but we needed to eat something that we knew we were gonna like. IHOP. It was great...and we thought inexpensive, but HELL NAW....30 bucks for just me and Andrew. But we did scarf all the food down.

We walked around for a while, just to get a feel for the area. We were back in bed by 10 p.m. (yeah I know, but JetLag is a real thing)

Everyday that we were there, we pretty much woke up at 6 in the morning. The sun was out and shining by then. The air was cool and crisp. Excellent weather to hit the beach (which was only half a block away)

We lay on a beautiful sandy beach with its amazingly warm water. A wonderful mixture. If we could have stuff like that over here, I think I would be a beach bunny.

Okay to side track for a moment....EVERYONE THERE HAD AMAZING BODY. They all had gorgeous 6-pack abs. Even a few homeless people had them. Nice tans, rock hard abs, chests to die for...I want to live there just to assimilate with the natives and become one of the perfect bodies.

We went out every night to party. We went to this club called Angles. It was nice. It had an outside patio, and everyone was really friendly. It was at this club that I won 3rd place in a best chest contest. The bartender was hitting on me and signed me up for the contest. I told him, he would have to get me drunk..(Although, the 2nd place winner...I don't know how he won...he was this short little Asian guy with NO MEAT on him whatsoever. He was like a twig....I guess he won cause he had more friends cheering for him...but hell...I got a grip of free drinks that night, just for being me...LOL)

Some guy hit on me and even after I told him that me and my husband came to the island to chill....he kept on talking to me. He didn't go away. I didn't have anything to say to him, but he kept on talking....(GO AWAY MAN!!!!)

We went back to our room about 3 a.m. It was a very good night.

We woke up the next day and made a day of the town. We walked everywhere. Ate anywhere....but most of the time we spent on the beach. We got our tan on, and our swim on. We shopped, and just really enjoy the days.

We both got a massage. It was the most intense thing ever. He hit spots that I never knew could feel so good (don't be a perv...I was talking about my hands. He started rubbing then and caressing them and I seriously had an orgasm...it was extremely sensual but in a non sex way)

I was finally going to get a tattoo, but the guy couldn't draw it. He tried to free hand it, but he changed it way too much. He kept trying to get me to use the one that he had drawn, saying that "you don't want your tattoo to look like someone E=wlse's...you should take this out, and I'll change this to look like this" I was like...dude no, this is going on me for the rest of my life...I don't care if it looks like someone else's...so I left. But I was sad, cuz I was finally gonna get my tattoo. Oh well....

Our nights were spent on the town. We went out every night, to different clubs. And drank...and enjoyed the time we had to spend with each other. The place has the ability to heighten your love and emotion. The ambiance in the air is romance.

We went out again, but this time to a club called Hulas. It was on the second floor of a Hotel, and it had seats set against a balcony that was completely open to the ocean air. The drinks were cheap...we had 32oz pitchers of beer for only 5 dollars. We kept them coming from 10 till 2 a.m. but the cool thing was that we didn't get drunk. Then after we were done there....we went to another club called Fuzion. It was a great place to dance. LOTS of people. All kinds of people. Trannies, Bi guys, Gay Guys, Girls....ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE.

One thing that Hawaii has that we don't is shade. EVERYONE IS NICE. It doesn't matter what they look like, if they hit on someone they will make conversation. I understand just now why that guy kept talking to me. It's not like here, where the people are superficial. Californians could use to learn somethings from the people of Hawaii.

This was one of the best things that I could ever have done in my life. I'm glad that we went this time, and got to miss out on going last time.

We were on a different island than we would have been on last time, and Waikiki is definitely the place to be. The days lasted forever. We did so much, and then looked at the time only to realize that only 2 or 3 hours had passed.

The night air was warm and cool. We only wore shorts and tank tops. In some cases, we didn't wear a shirt at all. I have never felt so comfortable about my body as I did at that place.

At the end of our trip, I really didn't want to come home. I wanted to stay forever and lie on the beach with my baby. But, then I know it wouldn't be a special place anymore. I love Hawaii. My favorite place in the world. Better than home. But it wouldn't have been the same without my baby next to me. It was great to forget about the rest of the world, and just let it be us. There was no one else I cared about, no problems, just a real break from life.

It was an invigorating and re inspiring moment in my life."

My Heart Goes Out...

April 16, 2007

"Today something happened that I am affected by.

33 people have died today in Virgina, for no apparent reason other than someone wanted to take their lives.

I don't have words. I am at a loss. I know that my soul screams for these lives, and it cries deep and long. I swallow it down because I know that if it comes to the surface...I'm not sure it will stop.

I didn't know anyone that goes there, but I can't help but to care.

It confuses me so much not to understand or have a reason for things like this to happen. I can hear the echoes of families cries that may have lost someone, and although I know that there is nothing that I can directly do, I will pray for them. I know exactly how I would feel if I were those families. After all, the thought of my baby brother still brings tears to my eyes.

I pray that God will bring peace of mind and heart to those who have lost thier loved ones. I hope that they can find the stregnth to get through this travesty.

These are the reasons that I don't watch the news. I hate hearing about these kinds of things. But I damned well know that just because I don't watch, doesn't mean things don't happen.

I hate knowing things like this sometimes.

I will say though, it just gives me a reason to pray harder. To love more. To be compassionate, and to look forward to better things.

I am sad..extremely sad.

So to everyone I say this:

If you are affected by anything like this, have lost someone in this tragedy or you have lost someone to something as senseless. I know that it's hard, and it may seem difficult but hope that everyday that goes by, it gets a little brighter. I know it is one of the hardest things to deal with, with time and the love of those around...you will endure.

I am extremely sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you."

Simple Little Treasures

March 2, 2007

"So Cindy made this realllllyyy awesome BLOG where she noted the really great things in her everyday life. Some of the most minute and wonderfully ticklish things in her life that are great to know about. So I'm gonna do the same thing cuz I am a follower and I don't have a mind of my own....(BITER!!!!) LOL

*Watching the most amazing TV shows with my fiancee. Heroes, Charmed, Grey's Anatomy...those are my guilty little television pleasures

*Going to the gym and working out until I feel sore and then work out a biiiiit more..

*Watching scary movies even though I know that Andrew doesn't like them..(what a scurdy cat)

*Singing in the shower...(you know what? I don't care if it's off key. I like to sing)

*Dancing in the mirror to my 90's music. I feel like Irene Cara. (what a feelin'.....)

*Chocolate Chip Cookie Ice Cream Sandwiches....(AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!)

*Rio's Pizza...It's like cheesy delicious poison.

*Comic Books...(I don't care what you say dammit...Literature is Literature!!)

*American Eagle Outfitters....I think thier sloganized shirts are soooooo clever. (Come on, "I just put you on the top of my TO DO list" is something I would so tell a person)

*Grilled Ham and Cheese on wheat bread.

*Making fun of people for no apparent reason. (Putting people down makes me feel better about myself...LOL)

*Photoshop...

*KINGDOM HEARTS!!!! (How can it be that we can take part in such an amazing experience, that isn't even real??)

*The moments when I look at Andrew and find a million reasons and infinite possibilities.

*Inside Jokes...(Making people feel like I'm keeping something from them makes me feel better about myself....HAHAHAHAHA)

*Observation. Seeing how people are and wondering how they got that way. Where they came from, and where in the hell they think they are going in such a rush.

*The moment that I knew Andrew was the one. (It was crystal clarity. A moment of absolute peace and calm. Inner traquility. For that moment the world had stopped. My favorite memory.)

*Friends. Not just anyone. Not the passerby, or the aquiantaces. My ACTUAL friends. The people I care about and that care about me. The ones that have shared my life and I have shared thiers. The one's that I keep making those memories with...Oh how I love you all.

*The moments in the shower with Andrew.

*The sound of my baby sisters voice.

*The wind blowing through my hair the immediate moment after I get a hair cut.

*Richard and Nancy (They are the ideal couple to look up to. As long as I've known them, they have functioned. If ever two people were supposed to be together it is those two.)

*The thought of being married...

My simple little treasures......"

Forward

February 25, 2007

"I was always too busy looking back at the world that I came from. Looking back at all the pain and hurt in my life to focus on what could be in front of me.

I was constantly holding on to the suffering because I didn't want to lose touch with what I thought made me. I never wanted to be with someone because from what I saw in the past, we would never be together long.

In my mind, there was no "Forever"

But I did wonder if I would ever get to this part of my life.

I pretty much figured, since I was different, I would have different feelings about stuff like this.

This just shows how normal people like me are. We all want the same things. The thing that I want right now, is to spend the rest of my life with one person.

I want someone to grow old together with. Someone that I can have a future with. I want to be a part of something that is greater than just myself. I want a family, and a house...

On February 20th, 2007, I embarked on that journey.

I asked the man of my dreams ANDREW GARCIA, to marry me. I say man of my dreams because I dreamt about a man just like this. Someone handsome, intellegent, sweet, kindhearted, compassionate, and someone that will put up with all my numerous flaws and imperfections.

In my dreams, I wanted someone who would throw out all the bad stuff from my past and paint me a wonderful future.

How often is it that we get what we long for? Almost never.

I was blessed with a waking dream.

I have been with this man for going on 4 years now and I walk among the clouds because he lifts me higher than I ever thought I could possibly be.

I couldn't let him go, I had to make him my own for the rest of my life. And I am positive that I would die without him.

I feel amazingly complete. Like there isn't anything missing in my life.

And although some people may say that I have changed, I can look them in the eye and say thank you for noticing.

I am different. My priorities have changed. I want different things. And, yeah, I finally grew up...

My direction is oh so clear. I have all these new thoughts and understandings. Going out isn't so important to me anymore. Partying and clublife is just so "whatever" to me. That's not what I look forward to at the end of the week anymore.

Things are just sooooooo different.

I want to spend time working on my family, cuz that's what he is. I want to be able to sit in our home together, and wonder about the next trip, or where we should move to next. I want this to be a success.

I want to lay in bed on cold days, or warm nights and lay in eachothers arms. We can forget about the world, because this one between him and I, is the only world that matters.

In my forever, I want only him.

I look forward to this new adventure. I look forward to all the wonderful things we are going to share together. I look forward to all the memories we are create and share together. I look forward to the day that I say "I Do"

I look foward..."

Kickin the Habit

So I've tried this on numerous occasions....You'll see what I mean.

January 8, 2007

"So this year I made the most awesome resolution to myself. (Actually I made 3 of them, but this one is currently the most important)

I quit smoking. I did it cold turkey. No patch, no gum, no weaning off of them. Just no more cigarettes.

I had used so may excuses to continue smoking. The one that I reflect on and consider the most ignorant was, when I said "I'm going to die one day anyway." I realized that I could control that my death would not be self inflicted, and raise my life span by just a bit.

I remember stopping for a short while after my Nana died. I just thought to myself that there are more important reasons to live, but then I started up again because obviously the addiction was strong. I never gave the addiction that much credit. I would always say "I control it, it does not control me." I was wrong on so many levels. I would say that I need a cigarette when I drank coffee, or had a few beers...in some cases I would buy a pack because while I walked because there was nothing better to do. I couldn't realize that I had a problem. (I understand now when people say "addicts don't think they have a problem"

I usually would smoke on the weekends when we went out. When I used to smoke, I remember that I could not get the smell off my hands. It would gross me out (and yet, I did not stop). I would brush my teeth at night before bed, but wake up with the icky tar taste in my mouth.

This weekend I had some beers and when I woke up in the morning I kept smelling my hands. There was no stench. Even though I knew there would no longer be a smell, I kept smelling them. (I guess it was like I was amazed that I could not smell like ashtray)

Right now is officially the longest that I have gone without a cigarette in the past 3 years. I am on my 1st complete week (7 days). I am having some real bad withdrawls. I'm shakey, have a headache, I feel sick, and I might throw up. It's gross.

I will not throw in the towel though. I will beat this, and I will achieve my goal. With God by my side I will triumph. I'll go through the motions, because I know it HAS to be done. I have to lead an example to my brother's, my sister, and my friends. I have to show that I am stronger than any substance.

I will kick this ugly ass habit."