Blood Stone Vengeance Curse

It's been a few weeks since I wrote anything here. It's rare when the feeling to write overwhelms me. Today though, something is strangely different.

I am uncontrollably happy.

I can't help it...I don't want to. I woke up feeling spectacular despite everything that is and has been going wrong.

The only reason I can think that I could have all this energy and glow the way I am today, is if someone placed a blood stone vengeance curse on me (if you don't know...look it up...lol)

My best friend has been gone for almost a week. (kind of unbareable and boring...lol)

Circuit City AND Ballys overdrafted my account... (but they will have the money back in my account before weeks end)

It's been cold and rainy. (I hate the rain cuz I'm stuck inside and the cold has made my house a meat locker)

Some people weren't completely happy with the company dinner I put together. (I planned for enough people to eat...and OVER DID it a lil)

But this morning...none of that mattered. I wanted to dance and sing and smile and joke.

I walked to work with a smile on my face...I walked home with a smile on my face.

I was completely polite to everyone. I had every amount of patience for each and every question asked.

I think ....I'm pretty sure...that for christmas. I got a feeling of what it was like to live in heaven.

And these are all the wonderful things that have been making the euphoria even better:

I got Brandy's Cd for christmas. I can not stop listening to this CD back to back ( I feel like a little kid who just got a Disney movie for the first time and wants to watch it ALL day EVERY day.)

Current Ipod Playlist:

Brandy: Warm it Up (with Love)

*I have no idea why this song is so wonderful to me right now*

Piano Man

Porcelain Doll

Should I Go

Right Here (Departed)

Camouflage

Doesn't Really Matter

A Capella

*I am told that there are two of these songs that didn't make it to her album, but they are some of the best music I've heard in a long time*

Chris Brown: SuperHuman:
*oh man...OOOOH MAN is there any fukin sort of inspiration that his voice does not invoke?*

Britney Spears: Unusual You

*There is something quite haunting but beautiful about this song. It's a sweet tone for her and it makes me feel like she is in touch with he femininity and not so much her slutty..lol*

Jordin Sparks: One Step at a Time
*Could there be any other perfect way to say something to someone?? Or to even take a perspective on life. It's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen*

Today I am positively expressive. I just wanted to capture this moment. This bliss.

So I'm going to try and take this day for everything that it's worth. I am going to use every amount of positive energy to affect everything that comes in contact with me.

I am so happy today

Thankful

Today is a very special day to me.

Things in my life have come and gone, but somethings remain consistent.

You already know that I am and have gone through changes up till this point. And it seems that THAT process is never ending.

It's like a wise man once told me "Change is the only constant"

With all the new and wonderful things that I have seen in my life, I just had to share them and let you know that I am thankful for everything that you have given me.

This far, in the life that is JUST ME, I have met some truly amazing people. Things and aspects of my life are a bit different thanks to: The Artist, The Musician, The Chef, The Singer, The Slacker, The Poet, The Educator, The Doctor, and The Researcher.

Even though it may seem that you could not provide me with anything, you have changed my mind, opened my eyes, eased my heart, helped me to listen, and touched my soul. These are things that, however small, I appreciate and am thankful for:

Andrew: There are not enough words in all the worlds to describe what you have given me. Not enough languages to describe how I feel. Not enough places to go to show you. I thank God every moment of my life for your presence.

Erika: You are my sunshine. You make me laugh when I'm not supposed to. You have listened and given me a family and a place to rest my head. You are great to me, thank you.

Gloria: Well, you're Erika's sister...YOU should be thankful for that...hahahahaha Seriously, You are an amazing person with the world at your fingertips. you have given me a friendship like no one else. You make me feel like family. Thank you.

Ro: You are my greatest and most dearest friend. You have always been there even when I haven't. You have listened and helped steer me down the right path. We have gone through ups and downs but my love for you never falters. I appreciate you walking with me on this journey. Thank you.

Richard: You are my best guy friend in the whole world. I wouldn't have the confidence to be strong or to move forward with my life it wasn't for you. You have inspired me tremendously. You are the most amazing man. Thank you

Nancy: You and Richard compliment each other so well. Knowing you and you being by my side through the toughest of times has been something that I will never forget. You guys are my hope. The only married people I know where it works. Thank you.

Sonia: My crazy lil Vegan...did you know that you are the FIRST person to introduce me to a world that I had no idea about? You helped me see things in a different light. And get an understanding for the way SOME things work. I appreciate everything you have done for me in the past year. And when I get the opportunity, I will return the favor. Thank you.

Jay: My bestest Gay in the whole gay universe (cuz you know the gay universe is better than the straight one...lol) You have been so valuable to me. Helped me be free and learn to enjoy being gay. Your friendship is amazing and like no other. I wish someone would find you, because you are such a gem. I thank you for listening to me...so very much. I thank you for that day papa...that ONE day where my world came crashing down. Gracias.

Aaron: My secret keeper. Thanks for putting up with my bullshit. You have given me so much of your time and energy. You helped be my crutch when i didn't feel I could walk. Showed me something that I hadn't seen in a long time and put little pieces of Franky back together. Thanks for the "slap".

Miguel: My husband, I remember seeing you and saying "I'm gonna marry that guy". Never in my whole life did I ever think that we would sit down and eat and talk about how our lives are going. It is special just to do that. Thank you for listening. Thank you for letting me be an ear.

Amber Lynn: the first girl and only girl I ever loved. I miss you mamas, and even though I never call or text. You will always be here inside. I am amazingly happy for your new life and your baby girl. You have always been wonderful and an inspiration. Thank you.

Rikardo: Cap'n..well, you make me laugh and smile. I don't know many people who can do that on a constant basis. I am glad to have known you this year. I have never met someone with so many things in common. I appreciate the nickname AND never backing down from my constant Verbal MvC2 beat downs...(one day I'm gonna show you how true they are..lol) Thank you.

Pete: Pedro..you are awesome. So every awesome. You make me smile every time I see your texts. You didn't have to talk to me, but you did. I appreciate that you have always been Pete and never changed. I hope that one day, I can do the same for you. Thank You.

Matteo: Man...I can't really describe how I feel now after that talk we had. There was such clarity and understanding. I never knew you felt that way or understood so much. Thank you for your wisdom. Thank you for your point of view. Thank you for being so much Matt. You don't know how much you KNOWING means to me.

Jaimito: You amaze me Jaime. I didn't know what to expect when we first starting talking. But you hit me like lighting the first time (yeah yeah...the eyes and smile a has a lot to do with it..lol) I have learned not to judge people based on appearances cuz your outside doesn't nearly reflect all the good inside. Thank you (don't forget, I'm going down there to carry you around town on muh back..lol)

Jorge: You don't know how much of my life you gave to me. It's because of you that I was able to move some place closer. It's one less thing on my mind to worry about. You couldn't possibly understand how much it means to me to have a friend like you. You are unbelievable and I wish nothing but the best for you and Ana. Thank you Roomy!

Rodrigo: The way you see the world astounds me. The vibrant life and color around you is what you use to change the way that people see things. Through your point of view. It's clearly something that has had an effect on how I see things too. Thanks for the chats...You continue to make me speechless.

Sergio: You have made me see things in a different light. Questions that I never thought to ask myself, things I never trusted, ways that things should go. You really helped me to be more observant of these things. And I am thankful for the truths I have.

Edgar: We have known each other for a while, but never really as good till now. I am thankful for your patience. You really helped make that day better and a lot of days up until now good too. I admire how strong you are right now, and I appreciate you letting me be here for you. Thank you so very much for everything you have taught me thus far. And when RUDY is better, I will thank God him for being so good and wonderful to you. You are both in my prayers every night.

Manny: Your innocence and charm inspire me. The way you write. The way you talk. The things you have shown me have brought tears to my eyes. Things in my life have changed so very much but it seems like you have been here for so long. You get a lot of what I'm trying to say because I can see it in your writing. Thank you for your thoughts.

Jai: You helped me learn a lot about the things I never knew. I had always felt like there were things missing. Things I was ignorant about. But you made me feel at home. You made me feel like those pieces I had searched for all this time were always there. That there was nothing too far out of reach, I just needed to LOOK in the right places. Thank you so much.

Julio and Alex: You guys inspire me so much. You have given me the hope of something greater than just myself. No two people on this whole planet deserve each other more. The things you have accomplished in your lives, the gift of your love to so many people, the smiles and warmth that you have always shown me truly gives me hope in people. Give me hope in the world. Just knowing you guys makes me happy. The greatest gift that anyone could have, is just being able to be a part of your lives. Thank you for so many wonderful memories. Both of you. You two are MY hope.

There is so much beauty in the world. So many things that we forget to look at or see because we are too busy going through the motions of our daily lives.

The simplest things can bring joy to an entire world who has nothing.

But we here, have so many things and everyday that goes by we seem to be unhappy.

I am thankful that I have the opportunity to know such amazing and influential people. Knowing you all...those are my simplest joys. I see everyday all that you mean to me.

Life is so exciting and vibrant with such a kaleidoscope of people, I couldn't be happier have them all be part of something so ever changing.


Thank you guys so very much for being my constants.


I appreciate you all more than I could ever say.

Day One

Last night...I had to do something that I hadn't needed to do in a long time.

I had to let something go.

This was the most terrifying thing that I have ever had to do (considering that it is the month of October...I can see it fitting)...

Right now, I am completely afraid and frightened at what I am going to feel and DISCOVER that I feel.

Last night, I had to set something free that I was holding on to because it made me feel a little more safe.

I had to let him be him...without me, and I like wise would do the same.

I had the time to think of how I wasn't me anymore...the person on the inside was lost.

I need to find my way without anyone else.

I came to find that I was completely reliant on the company of other people to keep me happy.

I was diving in to work to be someone that is NOT me at all. At work, there is a person void of the complete "Franky package" because some of the people around me, are NOT my friends....just co workers. I don't have to feel or INVOLVE my feelings in anything that I need to do at work, I just DO. (but I've already said that)

So, as I was sitting there watching the most horrible movie I have seen this year (which kind of sucks because my track record for the year was pretty great with movies...but you can't win them all I suppose) I realized...or rather, was brought to realize that: even though I hadn't expected anything from this movie...I was still dissapointed.

Andrew actually brought this to my attention when we both griped over how the movie had no plot, went no where, it wasn't explained what happened to Mila Kunis, why were demons involved, everytime they were about to explain something...a character got killed, Lobo LOOKED cool...but was not the greatest Midboss (Disgaea you slay me...lol) and why n the hell was Nelly Furtado in the movie??!?!

So, I guess I understood...

And I didn't want him to expect anything from me...I didn't want him to hang on to something that I wasn't sure I was going to give him.

But I knew that, even if he didn't expect anything from me...he could still be dissapointed.

My path is chosen...I am letting go of that which was...I am letting go of my past.

Getting over the pain and the hurt...

It was time for both of us to do that.

I still love him...I always will, but for now I need to love myself. And he does too...

So this is day one....Day one of me, just being Franky.

Lost

"Heart don't fail me now
Courage don't desert me,
Don't turn back now that we're here.

People always say,
Life is full of choices,
No one ever mentions fear.

Or how a road can seem so long,
How a world can see so vast,
Courage see me through,
Heart I'm trusting you,
On this journey..."

-Aaliyah

Things have been changing for me ever so slowly, but they have been changing.

I thought that I had found myself this beautiful, amazing person who had no fear or doubt in the world. I was whole and complete.

This is not the case recently.

I've found myself, or rather.....LOST myself.

I don't know who or what I am right now. I have a new home, with new friends, new responsibilities and I feel like I have to find new ways to be happy.

As days go by, I am here in my new apartment by myself. It's not very much different from my old place (ALOT bigger by far) I have a room mate (I don't really see much of him) A new room, (no bed yet but I'm working on it) ...everything about this place is new...but it doesn't feel like HOME yet. It feels like a place to come and rest my head. To sleep....to watch tv...but I can't say that I completely feel comfortable here.

There is no sun light or warmth in here...

But a friend told me that it's a transition. Before, WAY before...I was independent like this. I knew what it was like to be me and DO me. But then years passed and I forgot what it was like to be that way. I knew that I didn't want to be alone so I wasn't...EVER. I was always in long relationships trying to make things work. Some were good, others bad....ONE was great. And that's the LAST thing that I knew.

This right here, is me...just me...but gosh I feel so lost. I don't know how to do any of this.

My thought and emotions are all over the place.

One day I am so completely happy, and the next I just don't want to deal with anyone at all.

But I push forward cuz I don't want to go to that dark place again. Because this time, there won't be any one to snap me out of it.

(But I'm pretty sure that, since I am aware of it...I don't have to worry about that...lol)

The only time right now that I feel completely without emotional baggage is when I'm at work. I don't have to think or feel...i just DO.

I don't have to worry about what anyone is going to think or say, cuz I make the rules. I tell people what to do and give them direction. I AM my purpose there. I know what I need to do to get things done and do it...no questions asked. My mind is in a constant idea. Always thinking of something to do to progress and get better.

How can two things so similar, be so different?

I want to be like I am at work. I want to be focused and in charge.

It sounds completely simple, I KNOW. But it's not the reality, it's two completely different beasts.

My passions are lost at my new place...my time is spent in front of the TV gorging on some kind of fattening food product (but for some reason I can NOT seem to keep on at least 160...stupid genetics...lol)

I haven't even found the want to go to the gym *GASP* ( I know, I know...such heresy...lol)

But then again, maybe that's IT...maybe because everything is just so much easier, I don't want it.

I live 3 minutes from my job, 15 minutes from my club, and 30 minutes from my gym...and those estimated times are when I walk!

I don't have to worry about money or travel...I can pretty much buy anything I want now...life should, in theory, be good....

Then I don't understand how I can be so...undecided and misplaced about things....

???

I don't know...all I can do is move forward again.

I have to find out who I am as an individual. Alone. By myself. Just Franky...

It's difficult...everyday I am home is so completely difficult. Not in an awful sort of way either. More in an I don't know what I should be doing right now.

I guess what I'm hoping for right now...is to walk this new road, (that I walk with my Ipod FULLY CHARGED and that never wastes battery) and find myself at the end again.

The Future

All of us tend to look at our challenges from inside a box. We take what we've done in the past and put it in front of ours eyes and then try to envision what we call the "future". But that restricts our future. With that restricted view, the best the future can be is a "new and better past". Great motivational energy occurs when we get out the box and assume that possibilities from creative ideas are infinite. To realize the best possible future for yourself, don't look at it through a box containing your own past.

Closure

For the life of me, I could never truly understand this word.

Everytime in my life that I have ever truly needed it, I turned away or never really faced it. You can call it cowardace, cuz I am more than sure that is what it was.

Yesterday....yesterday was supposed to be my 5 year anniversary. I had planned for that day from the very first moment I met Andrew. I was going to go back to the very beginning. I would go to where we first sat and talked, the place I first fell in love, the place we first ate....and the place where we first became soul mates.

Coincidentally, all those places (save for the eating place) where all the same place. I wanted to go back to the place where my life would change and see what what made that place so magical.

So...I went...Andrew and I...we met there...

But different people this time.

It's been hard lately...being this different person. Trying to live this life without something that was so familiar.

But I manage.

We met there....and things were still the same, with the exception that we are no longer together...I've wondered, how it would sound to say that out loud. Cuz I've never really said "we aren't together anymore"...I say, we aren't seeing eachother, or we still hang out...but nothing quite definitive as we aren't together anymore.

It brings tears, just a bit...ya know.

This night was still and calm, conversation was wonderful as always. The rapport we share on that level is something that no one will ever be able to attain. On his level or mine. Conversationally, we are Supreme Beings! Play on words, quips, condescending and self indulgient remarks are something that him and I only get...There are things that only we will ever understand because we are so intuned...

Makes me wonder where we went wrong, if it was REALLY too much to deal with.

But I am here, at a point where I understand all things happen for a reason. I have always been a firm believer in fate. It guides and moves us. Everything has an outcome and it really couldn't have happened any other way.

Andrew and I are no longer a couple. We have shared and experienced things that no other couple in the world could ever.

But what we share now...is an idea of a journey. Not together, of course. But we will and do cross paths along it. And sometimes, I am more than positive that we will walk together for a while.

I can see that, because of Andrew...I am a greater man. And he as well. We both have reason for discovering how we are as Individuals.

I think that we mostly became side tracked on the individual goals that we had set for one another. Things that we wanted JUST for ourselves.

Now we have this opportunity. I get to find out, just how much I really am who I say I am. Of course there will be some fine tuning, but I am left with a great foundation to keep growing into someone better.

What ever flaw or mistake that I have, I will fix. I will conquer and be better for it.

I love andrew.....I have no problem saying it. He will continue to be in my life.

I hurt over this...my heart aches for something that i knew for so long. But I know that this journey is taking place because it needs to. For me, my next relationship, or maybe......

What ever the circumstance, i need to perfect it so that eventually, I'll get it right.

So as of this blog...this moment right now. I feel closure...every thing has come full circle. I feel like I understand MORE than I have ever understood before. I feel that my life and my dreams are still mine...and it's up to me to make them come true. And although I'm not ready for the next step of inviting anyone in to my life...i will not stop living life.

I have this feeling that washed over me today. It was me being semi intact. Calm...not scared or afraid of much. Just READY....clarity....focus...

Thank you very much for what you have left me with....you are the greatest person a guy could ever know.

It's Been a While...

For a minute, my thoughts have not been exactly my own.

I've had so many different thoughts and reasons to want to write a blog, but when I would sit down in front of the computer...everything would come crashing in.

Nothing really made sense, some things still don't.

I'm not sure how I was actually able to filter this one thought out...but today it was clear. I tried to hold on to it for as long as I could because frankly, it was putting a ridiculous smile on my face.

So let me get to the point:

All my life I have been taught to LIKE who I am and never be ashamed of my lifestyle or upbringing.

Today however, I really didn't like who I was. I thought about how many reasons WHY i hated something this week...

and they are as follows:

1. I hate being gay because, when I smell a man's cologne...it's intoxicating. I fumble with words and indulge a bit in that smell.

2. I hate that I can't say anything about how great a man smells. People come in to my work EVERYDAY smelling SOOOOOO wonderful. And I COULD say "hey man you smell great!" but how man guys tell OTHER guys something like that.

3. I hate that Scott Kaughman doesn't even know I exist...lol We live in a time when, if another guy says "hey, you wanna go for a drink" it's an invitation for, well....a bit more than well, YOU KNOW...lol

4. I hate that some guy today, gave me a tip, told me what an excellent job i did, thanked me, and tried to give me a tip...to which i replied like an idiot "Oh, I can't accept tips...if you really must give me a tip, just keep coming back to the store..that's tip enough" (how stupid was that...STUPID!!)

5. I hate that as a gay man...i am a pecker checker!!! :-O I can't help it...i don't know why I do it...but I do. What if someone catches me doing it? How embarrassing that would be...LOL

6. I hate that I've never been hit on by a girl!! Now I know what you're saying, "You don't even like girls" but let's just throw that out the window for a moment. Let's just say that ONE day...i decide..."I want to get married with a woman"...It'll never happen cuz chicks don't dig the frankster. LOL

7. and the biggest thing I hated..."WHY CAN'T ALL GOOD LOOKING MEN BE GAY??!!" I mean i know it's what we typically wish for...but dammit...I want it to be real, that way all of the above can be doable....like smelling a guy, telling how good he smells, hitting on him, check him out from head to toe, jump over the counter and plant one right on the kisser....oh wait...that wasn't one of my above things...lol

Readjusted Vision

"You already filter information through sound, smell and touch...but NOW you're gonna be assaulted by a million things you never knew even existed.

It's a whole new level of confusion.

Do I look here?
Do I look there?
Is that light down there important?
Or is that dark thing moving toward me or away from me?
Is it dangerous or not?

As long as your eyes are open...there are just too many distractions.

I mean, how do you concentrate?

Because you can see, people are going to expect you to do things that you can't do...Or don't want to do

Read signs,
Notice people's gestures,
Recognize body language,
Facial expressions...or when to just get out of their way.

Your eyes will want to dominate how you perceive the world,
But you can't fully trust them...

I'm going to try and teach you to see the world the way it really is...

Some of it is going to be beautiful,
Some of it is going to be wonderful,
Most of it is going to be difficult,

But the main thing is to be prepared...."

Honesty

If the world never offered you lies and distrust, do you think that you could handle it?

In every moment of everyday, someone SOMEHOW will lie to you.

"I didn't know what time it was...I've never eaten that much...I'm a natural blond"

People lie for the most ridiculous reasons. Never truly accepting the reason that they need to lie. People don't take responsibility for their actions..or for what they do.

Some people lie because it became a habit and somewhere down the line, they actually started to believe it.

They spread these insignificant lies and pretty soon, it's turned in to a 3 ring circus and people have lined up to see the main attraction.

But what if....everyone was honest?

What if the car sales man that is jacking up the price 300% told you, "I'm actually trying to rip you off!"

Or the bank tells you, the day you sign up, "When you overdraft, we are going to charge you 36 dollars every time."

How about the your parent who has a bad child in school, "Ya know, he's really not my problem from 8 -3"

How about the lover who has been unfaithful? "I cheated on you today"

Would all those things deter you? Or would you continue to go down that path and say..."well, at least they were honest with me. perhaps there is something that we can work with"

How would you react to the truth? Would you not want to hear it? Would you rather have the lie?

I pride myself on being an honest person. However, lately it just doesn't seem like being honest is the way to go. I feel as though the whole world wants you to keep in what's really going on inside. No one wants to hear the truth....

"Does this make me look fat?" Yes....
"It's not me that smells" Actually, it is...
"Check out this song" Truthfully, I don't like it...
"Do you still find me attractive" No, I'm sorry I don't...
"How do you think I've performed" You don't do a good job...

Not to say that these are actuals...these are things I've heard. But not without apology.

And furthermore...why even have to apologize for the way you think and feel if it's not meant to be malicious?

If honesty is something that is desired and in many relationships, or I feel required...Why don't people accept the truth as a blessing?

It feels like lies offer comfort. Lies offer the indescribable feeling of safe.

How is that possible, when it's not real? When the lie is a fabrication of everything true, why do people chose that over honesty?

The lies fester inside...eroding and decaying everything in a person. One becomes a shell of the thing that used to make them whole.

Like Adam and Eve....we cower in shame. We disguise ourselves and try to hide it as deep within as we can. We bury that truth so deep so that we can forget that it ever happened, or so that it will never escape.

Is that better? Is there a way that you can live without honesty?

I for one, can not...I need the honesty and communication. I like to be able to tell my friends, "hey...you're drinking too much", or "hey I miss your ass a hell of a lot"...and even, "today...i just really don't feel like talking to you." Without them getting hurt or thinking that I am not respecting them.

You can show me that you love me, by telling me the truth no matter how much it may hurt me. I'd rather you tell me the truth about something...than hold it in and let it fester. You will only damage our friendship and YOURSELF but keeping what you truly feel inside.

How can I fix what's wrong if you don't tell me?

I've never been one to be mean to people. I've always tried to respect people as much as possible. To give them the room to grow and only give advice when it's needed. And when it HAS been my time to give advice, I have always been honest.

I have always thought that honesty was the best policy...but now, lately...I'm not so sure.

Moment Of Peace...

On these summer nights,
When the sun dips down low,
And through the trees,
Shines it's red orange glow.

The smell of grass,
Fresh cut form the day,
Floats on a breeze,
In its appealing way.

The grill is still hot,
From our dinners delight,
And we sip on tea,
As we wait for the night.

Soon things will resume,
And distractions will come,
We'll carry our eve,
With work to be done.

But for now we will smile,
Take time to wind down,
And ease off our minds,
All the stress from around

For the time that is now,
Is both seldom and brief,
But we can stop for a breath,
On this moment of peace.

Happy 4th Of July Everyone!!

Scott Kaughman...I love you!!!

I know, I know...it sounds like some movie you may have heard of, but no...this is real...HAHAHA

Today while at work, I was making change for the registers. I wasn't supposed to be helping anyone, but a man....and do I mean MAN, walked in to the store. I was at a loss for words. I stopped and stared for what I was at least 287 hours.

This man was so gorgeous that I just couldn't talk.

He walked directly up to me and smiled. I'm pretty sure at that point, I was a puddle of slush on the floor. (but I'm also pretty sure that I was a happy puddle) I walked over to the register and asked him. "What can I help you with?"

I couldn't help but stare at his chiseled chest. He was a construction worker and wore his rolled up, long sleeved, red and white flannel shirt half way unbuttoned so you could see his muscular physique.

The heat was unbearable, but when I looked in to his crystal blue eyes I was transported to a cool watery oasis, where the sky was filled with big beautiful clouds and a breeze blew every few minutes. His sandy blond hair hung over his brow in a shaggy sort of way, but it complimented his amazing clear complexion of light tan perfection.

He smiled at me...his smile could melt diamonds. I had seen nirvana.

Michaelangelo couldn't have sculpted something this wonderful.


He told me what he needed done and as I walked to grab his paper, he held my hand and we lingered for a moment. The pheromones in the air between us were unbearable. Our animal instinct gave in.

He pulled me over the counter. He said "I've been waiting my whole life to meet you" and he kissed me. I threw the bag of money on the floor and went in for the deepest kiss. It was wet and dry...soft and hard...I could feel it in my toes as they curled. My body throbbed and it took my breath away.

He caressed the center of my back and pulled me in closer to him. His hand touched my neck as he nibbled my ear. People watched, but I didn't care...I was pretty sure I had died and gone to heaven. He whispered in my ear..."Franky....." and I said "uh huh?" and bit his lip....

"Excuse me?...Sir?"

I was snapped back to reality.

His name was Scott Kaughman. This gorgeous man in front of me...so amazing to look at, I think I cried tears of true happiness for I had found the meaning of life.

I helped him with his order....he wanted something simple. He wanted to wait to come back until Monday. I told him he could wait and I'll do it while he waits. (I don't work Mondays so you can damn well bet I was gonna take in as much of him at that moment as I could.)

I finished his job...and as not to be rude, I made small conversation with him. (He was waiting after all) "I couldn't help but notice you have a nice chest. Do you work out?"

"I don't really have to in my line of work...every day is a workout..hahaha" and there he went smiling that smile that only gods have seen.

"What's your meal plan like?"

"Well, I get hungry alot...so I eat lots of chicken and steak. I like to watch what I eat so I don't get that belly that some of my co workers have"

"Do you drink often?"

"HA HA HA....you're gonna laugh, but...I drink lots of milk. If you want a great body, you need to drink lots of milk."

and I got thirsty.....



and suddenly, I was no longer lactose intolerant.

Day Dreams, Night Dreams....

I have about 4 journals that I have written in over the years.

For some reason, I can't right in just ANY journal. There has to be something about the book. Something inviting. Quite even possibly, something hidden between the lines that I write on.

The cover of the book starts the story. I have to want to open the book. I want to know that story inside is being kept very well by this amazing cover.

Well this one book...was just so completely inviting. I'd like to show you why:

This is the cover of one side:



On the inside of this cover there is an inscription:

Day Dreams We travel through life on daydreams.
To destinations faraway...
Experiences unknown...
Imaginations untapped...
Follow where your mind takes you.
For once there, anything is possible.
And every journey is an inspiration to the soul...
to make the dream, real.


On the other side of the book, there is this cover:



On the inside of this cover, it reads:

Night Dreams:

Beneath a starry landscape,
We journey in to dreams
On silvery night wings
to distant places.

Cross the threshold,
and enter worlds beyond...
Where hidden secrets wait to unfold
their enchanting magic.

These are the most inviting words I've heard from a book...I just had to have it.

I hope that you all can find that invite to something special...

In a perfect world???

Scenario:

Think about it....

As someone, you're an individual. You have thoughts and feelings that you just quite don't understand sometimes. Things that may hurt people. You have to watch what you say and choose your words correctly. There are do's and don't's. You can't act how you want and you have to hold back so much. You get to love some of the greatest things, and find passion for life in the simplest of pleasures. The feel of the grass between your toes is just as wonderful as a cool breeze on a hot summer day. Love at first sight is something you dream of. Crying is such a release....and smiles light your way.

The world that we live in is just so corrupt and in some cases unbearable. The paper, the news, the talk at the water cooler about how Tom in payroll just lost his home. Things you can't control. It's a nasty business.

But most people will say "that's life...it's hard". What's hard for one person is easy for another. People go through things you couldn't even imagine. Some people have a golden road paved out for them before their even released from the womb.

Sounds like a roller coaster, huh? Up and down back and forth...God it's so confusing.

But what if you were given the option to avoid all of that?

No pain or suffering. No hate or displeasure. No waiting for the moment when everything makes more sense. No frustration. It's all just made up for you. You wouldn't have to feel or worry about anything. Destiny will be clear and cut for you. Just a constant clear mind because you already know what's at the end of the road. A place where everyone is equal...COMPLETELY EQUAL.

Could you give up the feeling you get when you smell a cologne that reminds you of someone? How about the way your body reacts when you hear a song? The feeling of a first kiss? Compassion? Emotional Attachment?

Would you give all that up to know that every awful emotion, instance and problem that MAY happen or does happen in the world, wouldn't happen anymore?


If you were offered what seemed to be a perfect world....

Would you do it?

Don't take it personal

Okay...so finally...this is the last piece of blog. I got here and now things will be and are different. Things ARE different....

March 7, 2008

"So it has come to my attention by a few people that I have singled them out. Apparently, I have not taken the time to sit back and gab about the things that we once did.

Some people don't receive calls, text messages, emails, or even myspace comments.

Now, do me a favor before you continue reading this...and understand that I say this because MY situation needs to be cleared up. I need to set things straight so that everyone is on the same page and you all understand where i am coming from. The only thing that is personal about this, is that I am writing every individual who has told me lately "You don't have time for me anymore" Or, "Someone else has taken my spot".

Last year, things were so different. If you really are my friend, then you totally understand where I am coming from when I say that. I was in a different place, doing different things. Time was all I had.

I wasn't working, I wasn't going to school. I wasn't doing anything at all but hanging out and spending lots of time with all of my friends. It was an easy kick back time.

Then, I had to fight extremely hard for somethings that I really wanted and needed in my life. And I got it. All my hard work had paid off and I appreciated that all of you were there for me so much. The time that you spent cheering me on and giving me that push to endure, was and is to this day appreciated in ways you can not even imagine.

I thank God every single day for the gift of you in my life.

Those days of hanging out so frequently are gone though. And honestly, not because I want them to. I would love to be with any of you, or all of you when I have the free time, but in the life that I have to live right now...that can't be the case.

I don't have the time to really do anything. I need you to understand and NOT JUST SAY you understand. I have been trying to keep my head above water. This job that I have, has been so extremely demanding that it has unfortunately put a strain on things even closer to home.

From the start of my day I am bombarded with questions and problems. I have to come up with answers to thing that I don't even know yet. But I HAVE to do these things.

At the end of my work day, I am exhausted. I have enough time to eat get my things ready for the next day, kiss my fiancee good night and get ready to do start the process all over again.

The situation has been a task throughout. What I do IS NOT EASY. it may seem like it would be easy, or that at the END OF MY DAY I could just go out and relax. That's not how it is. My day DOESN'T end. I get calls while I'm sleeping sometimes about a situation that needs to be handled.

Honestly, it got to a point where I would walk out of work extremely upset for weeks. And rant and pick at all the things that were wrong with my day. I started smoking 2 packs a week. It was a very serious issue. One weekend, I even turned off my phone only to find out that I had 4 messages from work.

And on weekends, every errand that I should have run, every promise to be somewhere for someone is what I have to figure out what to do. And sometimes, all I want to do is stay in bed. But I can't, because we ALWAYS have something to do.

Lately, the only time that I have had to be with my papi is when we spontaneously say "let's go to the mall" or on a Friday or Saturday night. Sunday's are just days to finish doing the errands we didn't get to during the week.

At night, we lay in bed exhausted from our days. It's tiring guys. It's not like it used to be...I have a responsibility to make sure that I can take care of my papi the way he has done for me.

I'm not saying you are unimportant, but being successful and doing what needs to be done is more important than having fun.

I love you guys, with all my heart. And I haven't forgotten you. But this is the case for EVERYONE. Right now, with everything so hectic and chaotic but some how STRUCTURED. There is only a little time to breathe...

That's all I think I have time for...to breathe. Cuz when I am done, I look around and see that there is so much that needs to be done.

Please, just bare with me. Don't take it personal..I'm not trying to single you out. I barely have time to spend with my papi. When I have the time, I will do my best to show you that I haven't forgotten about you, nor have you been replaced."

You know what has also come to my attention?? I hate the word RECEIVE!!!!! As I was pasting my blog here....I would run a spell check. That fuckin word kept popping up (even as I spelled this last one...GRRRRR)

What a quitter

This happens to be my funniest post ever....

January 2, 2008

"So I'm sitting here at work completely exhausted from this wonderful and great party weekend that I had.

I was pretty sure that I was ten years younger than I actually am, with the way that I behaved this weekend. Good old "DAVID" was hitting the club and destroying his liver like he was 18 again.

I was out almost everyday guzzling down whatever alcoholic beverage you threw at me.

I was a champion!!

LOL

There was even a day that I DIDN'T drink, but my body had the sluggish symptoms of what would have been a hangover.

Today will be the first day, in about 4, that I haven't had something to drink.

New Years was a beautiful blurr of shiny objects, drinks thrown to and fro, flirtations, and cold, inconsiderate weather!

And so, as we all know....when the new year rolls by we choose to give up some kind of bad habit or addiction.

Naturally, one would assume that I would give up the good ole alky. But no...I drink because it makes me feel sexy and cool, and of course there's nothing like the feeling of being hit by a truck the next morning to make a person feel extra glamorous.

So I chose to give up something else that made me EQUALLY attractive as an alcoholic with liver poisoning.

Smoking. (Just seeing the word is making me want one right now...GRRRRR)

Now the denial that an addict has is pretty intense. They believe that they can quit at any time. They have this made up lie, embedded into their brain, that they are the master of this need for stimuli. As Foxxy Love would say, "We ain't slaves to nothin but the rhythm" Not to mention, there is always an excuse why they really don't need to give it up.

That's not true at all. It's one of the hardest things to do. To give something up cold turkey without any kind of waining system.

To just stop.

It's only been one day, but it seems like my body knows what I am up to and wants a cigarette.

I'm not a person who craves. I never want a cigarette unless I have a pack on me. Some how NOW...it's not the case anymore. I guess I'm going to have to admit it...I am addicted to looking MAD SEXY and cool. And Cigarettes help me to attain the look I'm going for.

BUT...apparently as cool as cigarettes make me look, the SMELL, from what I hear is not so cool.

So this year...I will do my best to try and keep my sex appeal WITHOUT the crutch of a cigarette.

I know what you are thinking, "But Franky...You can't possibly look as gorgeous as you do with out a cigarette." and " How in the world are you going to smell as truly fabulous as you do when you've been smoking??!"

I honestly, 100% completely know where you are coming from.

I really truly don't want to deprive anyone the opportunity to bask in the beauty that is me walking in from outside reeking of ashtray. Or kissing my nicotine riddled mouth. OR seeing me hack up something green and not be sure if it's mucus or a piece of lung But you are just going to have to try and love me for who I AM and not how totally awesome I look when holding a cigarette and wearing my nicotine cologne!!!"

I think i should do stand up or something...this is great material!!!

Movie

I didn't realize that I had blogged so much on Mi Espacio...


December 28, 2007

"I'm writing this now because I damn well know that I won't have the capacity to sit down in front of the computer for the next couple of days. (NO sickos, not for the reason you think....well, at least not until my birthday....hahaha)

This year....WOW....what can I say about this year, that hasn't already been blogged about.

It's important to remember all the things that happened to me so that I won't repeat the same mistakes again.

This year began as a seemingly wonderful adventure that was going to end in a huge climactic scene, but somewhere further down the line, where I am in the battle to save the galaxy. Alas, this movie had a huge twist that no one saw coming. I didn't really think that I was living an M. Night movie. I was hoping for more of a Peter Jackson feel. (Minus losing a finger)

In the twist, things went so down hill that I thought this was the end. Actually I just wanted it to be the end. it was a situation where I didn't want to keep looking. I put my hands over my eyes to avoid the gruesome scene that was unfolding before my eyes. Truthfully, I wanted to walk of set.

I read the script, and I wanted the part...but then someone changed the script. Apparently, someone got a hold of the first draft and didn't like what was on the page. So to mix it up, they threw in all sorts of bad things....One right after another.

A stolen identity.

An almost arrest.

A job denied.

A court scene.

A move.

A struggle.

Hopelessness.

A fight scene.

A betrayal.

and the end of the world.

And the thing about it was that, I hadn't studied my lines or practiced. i just went on set and ad-libbed everything.

This movie...was starting to suck. It started to become one of those films that you just wish it was over because the character had endured so much.

But then, it was so comical. Like you couldn't help but laugh in hysterics at the irony of the whole situation.

It was all planned out, carefully..the way that things were supposed to go. But as you continue to watch, it looks like the actors were fumbling on purpose. Like it was supposed to be a sort of satire on things not to do in a situation like this. As many thing that can go wrong the characters end up saying "OOPS...." and then cue the laugh track ala "I LOVE LUCY"

But it's not really that simple is it. If life was just a movie, or it really could be written and you could take the parts you want and turn down the ones that don't seem appealing, that would make things a billion times more wonderful.

So as the credits started to roll...I wanted to pick up another script and get right back to making another movie.

We'll just say that the last film I made was what gave me my big break. I was tenured on what i would be looking for in the next movie. I wanted something that was a bit more serious. With a bigger part. A character that was on his way to greatness. So I decided to take hold and make my own movie.

So I applied myself. I fought hard. I waited. I did everything possible to be this character and make this movie the way that I NEEDED it to be.

And finally, I'm here...I made it. The last movie I made was a major flop. It's in the bargain bin at Sav-on for .99.

Although, this is just the start of something I can feel is spectacular, I won't say that this is the greatest movie ever made. But it is, a good movie.

I understand what it takes to play this part. I am the hero. I am the man that saves the day.

And now, at the close of this year...it's all finally taking off. Everything is going according to schedule.

I put the last year behind me. I am more than happy to see it go and look forward to this masterpiece that I am about to partake in.

Magnificence doesn't sum up the words...

More so....OSCAR WORTHY!!"

Triumph

Things get just a bit better now....getting closer to my dreams...

October 29, 2007

"Well, FUCK IT ALL. hahahahaha

It's been a while since I've been this genuinely happy. All those instances of defeat and angst turn around and cower in the corner. They have been defeated.

It was an extremely difficult two months. I didn't think that life would have ever gotten as bad as it did, but IT did.

Today though, is my victory. I won. I beat it all.

Two weeks ago, I had an interview with Bank Of America. They didn't want me. I was a bit sad because I thought that I did a really great job of impressing them. I thought my experience and enthusiasm would be enough to get me that job that I knew I'd be wonderful at.

The interview ended rather abruptly, though. I wasn't quite sure how to react to it, and I left wondering if that was the end of the process or was there something more that should have happened.

I was down on myself because I thought that I should have done better. I have never in my life felt as rejected as I did the day that they called me back and said that they were going to go with other candidates.

For every interview that I had been on, I had ALWAYS gotten the job. No position had ever called me back and said "you do NOT have the job". It was a huge blow to my ego. I thought I had lost that ability to win people over and let them know what a great person I was. Most of all, I thought that I had used up my chances to find something that I would be really good at and that pays well.

Thanks to Gloria, she gave me a bit of an inside tip that FedEx was hiring. She said they were looking for people to fill a really great position. That same day, I had tried to apply online, but their website was going to be down for a week. truthfully, I wasn't even going to bother with it. I was just going to try to get something that I would be overqualified for and just bite the bullet on the pay. My thought processes was "hey, at least you'd be working". So after the week went by...I hadn't heard back from any other jobs I applied for (I am truly convinced that the jobs that you apply for through CalJobs are all fake...I mean come on...12 jobs and NOT ONE called me back??? Yeah right!!!) so I decided to fill out an application for FedEx.

Wouldn't ya know...that not even 48 hours later, I got called in for an interview. I was shocked. I went in for the first interview with the manager...she was a really sweet girl. She passed me on to the next interview. I thought, okay...I must've done good.

So the next interview was with the girl I was going to be replacing. She passed me on to the next interview. I was getting more confident that I was going to get it.

The next interview (which I thought was going to be my last) lasted only 15 minutes. I thought I worked my charm a bit too much, joking and laughing with the guy (he was so HOTT)...but he told me that I should hear something by the following day from the district manager.

Now....for the entire week while I was going through deliberations, I could not sleep. I just wasn't tired and it was really the only thing on my mind (was I going to get the job???) I was just stressin' about how much I really wanted this. How it was going to change everything for the better. EVEN BETTER than from the way things were when we lived on our own. It was going to erase all the horrible bad things that have been going on for the past few months.

It was going to make things matter.

The last day of the week (Friday) I got a call from the district manager. I was caught off guard and wasn't really expecting him to do a phone interview. It was even more brief than the one with the hottie.

And then I had to wait. I knew that I wouldn't receive a call until Monday...so it festered. I started doubting myself and believing that they would turn me down too. But then like the flip of a coin, I believed that they wouldn't put me through 4 interviews to tell me that I don't have the job. 3 out of 4 must have liked me to keep putting me through the next level and that was all I really needed.

Today I could not sleep. I went to bed around 4 and lied in bed till 530 before I dozed off. I kept dreaming that I received the call telling me if I got the job. Sometimes the dream would say I got it. Sometimes the dream would say that I didn't get it. Sometimes the dream would say I have to go on another interview. I was going a bit psycho in my sleep.

This morning I got a call....and they offered me the position. Actually, the word that she used was "I would like to extend you an offer to come work for our company...are you still interested?" I honestly couldn't contain myself. I thought I was dreaming again. I asked her "are you fer real??" and she said yes. Everyone really liked my attitude and think that I would make a perfect asset to the company. There was a bit of me laughing like a crazy man...but it stopped when I caught myself...LOL

So there it is.

I got the job. I did it. It's WONDERFUL.

And I couldn't have done this without all the wonderful people that have supported me through this time. You are all simply amazing. Your strength and encouragement have lifted me so high that the sky is no where to be seen.

Erika and Gloria: Thanks so much for letting me bug you guys in the morning. Thanks for giving me a place to stay and a word from the heart. Thanks for all the hugs and laughter to get me through this time. I love you guys extremely. You guys and you family are like my family. Thanks for making me feel so good about being alive.

Roxie: You have the kind of inspiration that no one has ever mastered. Your faith in God and your understanding towards the situation helped get me through also. The thing that echoed in my head is what you said to me the day I went for my first interview "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. He has bigger plans for you and doesn't want you to have that B of A job." You were so very correct. Thanks Miss Roxy Heart. I love you.

Richard and Nancy: You guys...damn...there are never enough words for you guys. It was just great to be able to talk to you and tell you guys everything. It was great to see such warmth and hope in your eyes. You guys are the family that has been with me longer than anyone over the years. Even though the chips are down (and they have been DOWN) you guys have always been there for anything that I may ever need. I appreciate that so very much. I hope that one day I will be able to repay that kindness tenfold. I love you guys.

Papi: Jeezus....what in the world would I do without my anchor? I have lived this life for so long, but was so broken and out of place without you. You fix me and put all the pieces together. You give me reason and meaning. Even though things were horrible, you stood by me and supported me. With no pressure, just the encouragement to assess and conquer. I thank God for you everyday. I love you...I love you....I love you...I love you.

To all the rest. Daisy, Matt, Jay, Amber, Karla and Ricky. I didn't forget about you all that made every horrible day so much more livable. The world may be a bad place, but with all of you MY world is a paradise. Thanks for being there, for the little notes of kindness. For the prayers at night. For being apart of my life and my heart. I find peace of mind because you have all helped me in tremendous ways. Your friendship is invaluable...

And thank you God, my Lord and Savior, for surrounding me with all these wonderful people and great experiences. I know that I can not take the good without the bad. I know that everything that you bring in to my life is here because you want it there. I thank you for humbling me and giving me the opportunity to re-evaluate everything in my life. I lost the meaning of everything I had, and took it all for granted. Thanks for making me see those things that are truly wonderful. And those things that should not be taken for granted."