It's Been a While...

For a minute, my thoughts have not been exactly my own.

I've had so many different thoughts and reasons to want to write a blog, but when I would sit down in front of the computer...everything would come crashing in.

Nothing really made sense, some things still don't.

I'm not sure how I was actually able to filter this one thought out...but today it was clear. I tried to hold on to it for as long as I could because frankly, it was putting a ridiculous smile on my face.

So let me get to the point:

All my life I have been taught to LIKE who I am and never be ashamed of my lifestyle or upbringing.

Today however, I really didn't like who I was. I thought about how many reasons WHY i hated something this week...

and they are as follows:

1. I hate being gay because, when I smell a man's cologne...it's intoxicating. I fumble with words and indulge a bit in that smell.

2. I hate that I can't say anything about how great a man smells. People come in to my work EVERYDAY smelling SOOOOOO wonderful. And I COULD say "hey man you smell great!" but how man guys tell OTHER guys something like that.

3. I hate that Scott Kaughman doesn't even know I exist...lol We live in a time when, if another guy says "hey, you wanna go for a drink" it's an invitation for, well....a bit more than well, YOU KNOW...lol

4. I hate that some guy today, gave me a tip, told me what an excellent job i did, thanked me, and tried to give me a tip...to which i replied like an idiot "Oh, I can't accept tips...if you really must give me a tip, just keep coming back to the store..that's tip enough" (how stupid was that...STUPID!!)

5. I hate that as a gay man...i am a pecker checker!!! :-O I can't help it...i don't know why I do it...but I do. What if someone catches me doing it? How embarrassing that would be...LOL

6. I hate that I've never been hit on by a girl!! Now I know what you're saying, "You don't even like girls" but let's just throw that out the window for a moment. Let's just say that ONE day...i decide..."I want to get married with a woman"...It'll never happen cuz chicks don't dig the frankster. LOL

7. and the biggest thing I hated..."WHY CAN'T ALL GOOD LOOKING MEN BE GAY??!!" I mean i know it's what we typically wish for...but dammit...I want it to be real, that way all of the above can be doable....like smelling a guy, telling how good he smells, hitting on him, check him out from head to toe, jump over the counter and plant one right on the kisser....oh wait...that wasn't one of my above things...lol