Making a decision

I’ve been attempting to make a decision.

Truthfully, this is one of the hardest things I have had to decide on in my adult life.

I have to decide on whether or not I want to continue to hurt myself.

Ya see, I had a friend who meant the world to me. He meant so much to me in fact that, I was willing to help him in any way imaginable. Actually, I DID. I did something for him that I never thought I would do for anyone EVER.

Well, things went sour and little by little the person that I loved more than I loved myself did something very hurtful to me.

Now, one thinks that if you are a true friend that nothing can come between friendships.

This is sorta true. I didn’t let it come in between ours I just needed some time to figure out how to continue going about trusting my friend. He had broken my trust so many times, on MAJOR levels. Was I going to continue to let him in to my comfort zone? Or would I stop confiding in the one person who knew me inside and out?

Well, HE ended up making that decision for me. He decided to remove me from him life. I felt, at first, a little ripped off. How was it going to be HE that turned this whole thing around to be about ME hurting HIM?

Like so many times before, he wronged me and I was going to pay for it.

But I started to think of how angry it made me. It was decaying me on the inside. I would think of scenarios…not very good ones…where something god awful would happen and I would revel in it.

Then, there were times where I was sad and would wonder how he could be so cruel and selfish.
I am a good person…a forgiving and loving person. My friends are my family…they are the reason I smile and laugh. I will and would do anything for those people closest to me, and in some cases for people I barely even know.

So why was this breaking my heart?

I am a better person than that. And I KNOW that my light shines bright. So, I caught myself. I stopped myself from destroying ME.

I prayed…still do, that God will grant me the ability to overcome this. I pray that, I will stand with my head up high knowing that I did the right thing. And I learned from this…

I will move forward…I will forgive and forget. But not just of this ONE instance, from ALL of them.

It’s time to move on and forget about all those things that hurt or that caused me pain. I think that I’ve learned enough in life that I can LIVE without the pain.

I have an amazing man by my side. He wakes me up every morning and kisses my lips. He holds me at night and whispers in my ear. He brings me Pinkberry to make me feel better and smells like heaven. He makes me smile…I make ME smile. I’m in love with someone who loves me just as much.
And that’s more than enough reason to not think about what was…I need to think about what WILL be.

I have my experiences. I have my past and accomplishments of them.

And now, it’s time to learn…and let go. Be truly as free as I have always wanted to be.

The only thing that keeps me down is those things that USED to keep me down. But how can they have so much power?? They don’t unless I let them have power.

So….yesterday, as I lay on the living room floor with my bedroom mattress; next to my boo….I decided. I’m going to get over it.

I have decided to let God help me with this trial. I will let him lead the way and take the angst from my heart.

I will hold no ill will. I will not think negatively about anything. I will no longer be sad that my friend is gone. I will be okay. I will be happy. And when the time comes I will look him in the eye, shake his hand and tell him “it was nice to have met you.”