Day One

Last night...I had to do something that I hadn't needed to do in a long time.

I had to let something go.

This was the most terrifying thing that I have ever had to do (considering that it is the month of October...I can see it fitting)...

Right now, I am completely afraid and frightened at what I am going to feel and DISCOVER that I feel.

Last night, I had to set something free that I was holding on to because it made me feel a little more safe.

I had to let him be him...without me, and I like wise would do the same.

I had the time to think of how I wasn't me anymore...the person on the inside was lost.

I need to find my way without anyone else.

I came to find that I was completely reliant on the company of other people to keep me happy.

I was diving in to work to be someone that is NOT me at all. At work, there is a person void of the complete "Franky package" because some of the people around me, are NOT my friends....just co workers. I don't have to feel or INVOLVE my feelings in anything that I need to do at work, I just DO. (but I've already said that)

So, as I was sitting there watching the most horrible movie I have seen this year (which kind of sucks because my track record for the year was pretty great with movies...but you can't win them all I suppose) I realized...or rather, was brought to realize that: even though I hadn't expected anything from this movie...I was still dissapointed.

Andrew actually brought this to my attention when we both griped over how the movie had no plot, went no where, it wasn't explained what happened to Mila Kunis, why were demons involved, everytime they were about to explain something...a character got killed, Lobo LOOKED cool...but was not the greatest Midboss (Disgaea you slay me...lol) and why n the hell was Nelly Furtado in the movie??!?!

So, I guess I understood...

And I didn't want him to expect anything from me...I didn't want him to hang on to something that I wasn't sure I was going to give him.

But I knew that, even if he didn't expect anything from me...he could still be dissapointed.

My path is chosen...I am letting go of that which was...I am letting go of my past.

Getting over the pain and the hurt...

It was time for both of us to do that.

I still love him...I always will, but for now I need to love myself. And he does too...

So this is day one....Day one of me, just being Franky.

Lost

"Heart don't fail me now
Courage don't desert me,
Don't turn back now that we're here.

People always say,
Life is full of choices,
No one ever mentions fear.

Or how a road can seem so long,
How a world can see so vast,
Courage see me through,
Heart I'm trusting you,
On this journey..."

-Aaliyah

Things have been changing for me ever so slowly, but they have been changing.

I thought that I had found myself this beautiful, amazing person who had no fear or doubt in the world. I was whole and complete.

This is not the case recently.

I've found myself, or rather.....LOST myself.

I don't know who or what I am right now. I have a new home, with new friends, new responsibilities and I feel like I have to find new ways to be happy.

As days go by, I am here in my new apartment by myself. It's not very much different from my old place (ALOT bigger by far) I have a room mate (I don't really see much of him) A new room, (no bed yet but I'm working on it) ...everything about this place is new...but it doesn't feel like HOME yet. It feels like a place to come and rest my head. To sleep....to watch tv...but I can't say that I completely feel comfortable here.

There is no sun light or warmth in here...

But a friend told me that it's a transition. Before, WAY before...I was independent like this. I knew what it was like to be me and DO me. But then years passed and I forgot what it was like to be that way. I knew that I didn't want to be alone so I wasn't...EVER. I was always in long relationships trying to make things work. Some were good, others bad....ONE was great. And that's the LAST thing that I knew.

This right here, is me...just me...but gosh I feel so lost. I don't know how to do any of this.

My thought and emotions are all over the place.

One day I am so completely happy, and the next I just don't want to deal with anyone at all.

But I push forward cuz I don't want to go to that dark place again. Because this time, there won't be any one to snap me out of it.

(But I'm pretty sure that, since I am aware of it...I don't have to worry about that...lol)

The only time right now that I feel completely without emotional baggage is when I'm at work. I don't have to think or feel...i just DO.

I don't have to worry about what anyone is going to think or say, cuz I make the rules. I tell people what to do and give them direction. I AM my purpose there. I know what I need to do to get things done and do it...no questions asked. My mind is in a constant idea. Always thinking of something to do to progress and get better.

How can two things so similar, be so different?

I want to be like I am at work. I want to be focused and in charge.

It sounds completely simple, I KNOW. But it's not the reality, it's two completely different beasts.

My passions are lost at my new place...my time is spent in front of the TV gorging on some kind of fattening food product (but for some reason I can NOT seem to keep on at least 160...stupid genetics...lol)

I haven't even found the want to go to the gym *GASP* ( I know, I know...such heresy...lol)

But then again, maybe that's IT...maybe because everything is just so much easier, I don't want it.

I live 3 minutes from my job, 15 minutes from my club, and 30 minutes from my gym...and those estimated times are when I walk!

I don't have to worry about money or travel...I can pretty much buy anything I want now...life should, in theory, be good....

Then I don't understand how I can be so...undecided and misplaced about things....

???

I don't know...all I can do is move forward again.

I have to find out who I am as an individual. Alone. By myself. Just Franky...

It's difficult...everyday I am home is so completely difficult. Not in an awful sort of way either. More in an I don't know what I should be doing right now.

I guess what I'm hoping for right now...is to walk this new road, (that I walk with my Ipod FULLY CHARGED and that never wastes battery) and find myself at the end again.