Such a Giver...

I'm a little bothered. I'm not going to put any names out there, I'm just going to vent.

I met a man that said "I let him go because of my mothering nature....I let him go because I did TOO much for him. I cleaned his clothes, I gave him a place to stay, I gave him money. (Mind you, he did not have a job) I took care of him when he was drunk...I was too caring for him...."

So here is my problem with that, THAT'S THE KIND OF SHIT THAT YOU DO FOR SOMEONE YOU'RE WITH! It's not only good times. There are gonna be some bumps in the road where you HAVE to take the reigns if you are gonna offer your life and heart to someone then you give EVERYTHING, you don't present only a little bit or just the pieces that you want, jackass.

This guy was so completely SELFISH. He made it seem like such a burden to be such a fantastic, generous and giving person. What a tool. The minute that you can only think of yourself when you're in a relationship..then you deserve to be alone.

For months and months this guy was SUCH a giver...he wanted to give some ass to someone that WASN'T his boyfriend.

Now...this is bullshit! You don't cheat on your lover. If you are THAT caring for someone then you get the fuck out of the relationship. Don't be a pussy. You could have left whenever you wanted and instead you chose to fuck around on the internet. You are a douche!


I asked, "How can you do that to someone that you love?" He said, "Don't worry about it. Destiny has it's twists and turns"

NO! NO YOU FUCKING MORON!! DESTINY DOES NOT HAVE TWISTS AND TURNS!!! Destiny is a course of events that will EVENTUALLY HAPPEN! You have NO control over destiny It's set in stone, the end result is how it's supposed to be. Don't speak on things that you don't understand! Unless you are trying to say that eventually, you were going to cheat on him.

Allow me a moment to show you how it is properly used "You are destined to be an asshole"

So I guess prophecy fulfilled.

I do not have respect for this person that may have at one point been a friend.


I guess...the missing pieces of WHY you did the things you did to him was filled in by me...so in some ways, his destiny quip is true. I guess, I was here for a reason. He didn't have closure on your relationship...he never knew, but just had a feeling. I had the answers that he needed, only I didn't know that the answers I had were for him...I didn't even know I HAD answers.

Who does that???!!

I was walking home from work today when this red car flies by. I look back because I thought the driver was going kinda fast in an area that says "25 mph" and I remember seeing a woman with a baby at the crosswalk where the car was zooming to.

I see in the car a pretty hot looking cholo.

Light skinned, bald head, tattoos on his shoulders, mustache, white wife beater...Kinda not what you'd expect to be doing the following.

He busts a U Turn and stops his car in the parking area.....and I hear him yelling. "Hey!....In the hat!...come here! HEY!!"

I don't turn around because, this is East LA....who knows whats gonna happen.

I pretend to be texting and he rolls by...."EY...I wanna talk to you papa"

My stomach dropped.

Was this dude really talking to me? Trying to get at me in broad daylight? DID HE JUST CALL ME PAPA?!?!?

I get a call from my boo at the exact moment I am about to cross the street. The red car is about to make a right...I hear him say, "dayum papa...I coulda got all up in that. Be careful and look both ways before you cross the street" and blew me a kiss.

He speeds off and honks....

I think I'll masterbate about the "What If" now...LOL

My Dream

Today when I got home from work, I took a nap. I slept for about 4 hours. Normally, I wouldn't take so long of a nap so when I woke up and saw the time, I felt there was a HUGE significance about the things I could remember from my dream.

Just for your 411, in EVERY DREAM since I was a little boy, in my dreams, I could fly and had super human strength (and everyone knows that with super human strength comes invlunverability...lol It's just the way my mind works)

But not in this dream.

I wasn't weak or frail, I was just a normal person.

What I'm gong to do in this blog is tell you how it went...and then the symbolizm behind the things that I can remember. I haven't been dreaming so vividly lately, so this dream really kinda startled me.

In my dream I am walking down Whittier Blvd, in the city of La Habra. I walk in to a 7/11 and buy a cherry cheesecake danish. I am talking on the phone at first, but I can't really make out who I'm talking to...I just know that I am happy talking to this person.

The night is alive with cars, parties and people. It's very remiscent of the strip in Vegas.

I remember the streets being packed with people. I hang up the phone as I start walking towards an area that seems familiar to me, but I know that I am trying to make it home. I put on my Ipod and start walking. I start dancing and singing because I'm having a great time just being around these people with their energy. These two black dudes walk up to me and tell me that it looks like i'm having a great time, and they point me in the direction of this party that looks like it would be fun for it to last forever. I head that way, but then I realize that I'm carrying my shoes and I'm walking barefoot. At that point I turn back to walk in the direction that feels familiar...but I'm lost now. The way that I came is now a HUGE 30 foot gap of street with cars whistling by. (Now remember, in my dreams in my dreams I can fly) So, like I would do in every other dream. I look to the sky and try to take off....but I don't. Instead, I sort of LEAP over to the other size of this gap, but barely make it. I fall forward chest first and hit the ground. It hurt.

I pull out my phone because even though I made the gap...none of this looks the same. I call the one person who said I can always count on. He says he'll come pick me up.

So I run..I run past all the parties and the cars. I run past everything that I had traversed in the first place. He is on the phone with me and says "I'll pick you up at the old Pizza Parlor" so I turn to the other side and see the pizza parlor. It's run down and derelict, but there is a house and a parking area in the back. So I go to the house and open the door. A cousin, (who is a hybrid of my Uncle Ray and My Nina) is laying on a bed in a very small room, wearing a FedEx Uniform. He jumps up to grab a knife, but then realizes it's me and apologizes (knife in hand) I tell him that I thought Andrew was in there. But then Andrew flashes his lights and I see he's been outside.

I walk out and get caught in this enormous spiderweb. I can feel how sticky it is and how difficult it's become to move. But after a few tugs, I manage to get free. I see my shoes on the floor and I pick them up. I get in Andrews car and he tells me he needs to be home by 11pm. He met a guy and he promised he'd meet him then....as we drive, I notice a man with several guns in his car. ONE in particular is a small black revolver, that he is kissing lovingly.

Just as Andrew is about to tell me something very important, the man aims the gun at us and pulls the trigger. The sound of the firearm wakes me up.

This is what I've pieced together from my dream:

I went to go buy a cherry cheese danish because I had purchased some earlier and I forgot to eat them. I had been wanting one for a few days. (It was a sign of giving in to cravings...I'm trying to quit smoking)

Cell Phone:

To see or use a cell phone in your dream, indicates that you are being receptive to new information. It also represents your mobility.

The nightlife that i can ONLY compare to Vegas means:

To dream that you are in Las Vegas, refers to excess and overindulgence. You need to show some restraint in some area of your life. Alternatively, it suggests that your good judgment is being clouded by all the emotional turmoil and chaos.

Walking Down the street:

To dream that you are walking with ease, signifies a slow, but steady progress toward your goals. You are moving through life in a confident manner. Consider your destination. To see a street in your dream, symbolizes your life's path. The condition of the street reflects how much control you have over the direction of your life. Is there a name on the street which can offer some significance or hints to the meaning of the dream.

Leaping:

To dream that you are leaping over an object, indicates that you will eventually achieve your desires and goals after much effort and struggle. Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor for "taking a leap" or taking a chance on a new relationship or situation. You are stepping outside your comfort zone. Consider also the phrase "leap of faith".

Lost:

To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing.

Cousin:

To see your cousin in your dream, represents something or some aspect of your character that is somewhat familiar. Perhaps you need to spend more time in cultivating and developing some emerging ability or character.

Knife:

Signifies anger, aggression and/or separation. There may be something in your life that you need to cut out and get rid of. Alternatively, the knife may be symbolic of something divisive in your life. You may be attempting to cut ties or sever some relationship.

Spiderweb:

You are being held back from fully expressing yourself

Shoes:

To find shoes in your dream, suggests that you have regained your foothold on life. You are back on the right path again.

Revolver:

To see a revolver in your dream, symbolizes lingering danger. It also represents fear, anger and aggression. You are using your power to defend yourself against the fear and anger.

Andrew:

To dream of an old lover, signifies unfinished/unresolved issues related to that specific relationship.

So, that's everything. most of this are SPOT THE FUCK ON. But pieced together, it's a bit confusing. I wonder if it has something to do with the order of them happening. Each step leads to a new feeling...each symbol is the order in which they will/are/have been happening?

Tell me what you think??

Also, if you find anymore interpretations that I missed (maybe it will fill in some gaps) please just comment me and let me know about 'em.

So the same, but very different.

Sigh........

Today, I did something that I haven't done in years. And I KNOW I say that I will do it over and over and over, but I feel as though I may have made a step forward with this.

I have an addiction. Nicotine is this horrible substance. I'm not sure what it does, I mean ;I can gather EXACTLY what it does, but I'd like to claim ignorance..lol

I have been smoking habitualy over the course of 5 years EVERY weekend.

I have attempted to beat the habit by saying that I am not going to "blahblahblah" cuz that's pretty much what it is...just BLAH.

I would stop smoking during the week, but once the weekend came and drinknig began, Franky would buy a pack of cigarettes and get to tokin!

But this week, I didn't smoke at all....well, not since monday. So as of this point, it has been 6 days PLUS a drinking night without smoking.

I didn't know what to do during drinks. I didn't know what conversation I would have, or how I would pass the time during bad music. I didn't know what to do with my hands. It was a HUGE thought process..lol

So as of this point (3 in the a.m.) I am thinking, I don't stink like an ashtray, and there is no thick coat of BLEH on my tongue.

So, if I can make it tomorrow I will have about 6 days under my belt.

If I can make it to Friday, PLEASE WATCH OUT!!! I'm pretty sure that I'll be having a bitchfest of withdrawls.

But for my 30th Birthday, I am giving myself something back...A few years of health. A bit of longevity. A chance to live and see if I will ever get those kids I want or the house I want, or to see my family and friends live as long as I do...I want to grow old with people, so I'm giving myself back a part of my life.

No more Mutant..I mean, no more cigarettes...lol

Gee Whiz

It's COMPLETELY rare when I find something that makes me smile just thinking about it.

AND like most of those things, I play or use them to death.

My latest hobby has been to find more things like these. So late at night when I should be sleeping, I surf the net looking for fun and interesting things to do or see.

Now, some of you foo's don't know this, but I like SOME Jpop. NOT ALL OFF IT, just some stuff (Mostly by Utada Hikaru..but her stuff is more serious and emotional. Her voice is like an angel some times. If you haven't heard Passion Piano Version Live, Youtube it. IT'S AMAZING!!) and this little Gem is something that I have already added to my Ipod playlist.

The song is call "Gee" it's by the Japense girl group "Girls Generation (SNSD)"

I have already begun recruiting for the recreation of this video at the mall, BUT BETTER!!! and with an all guys cast; sportin tha DC hat tipped to the side, in some S Formula shorts, white kicks, 2Xist wife beaters and SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF MACYS!! lol...its gonna be GANGSTA.

Back To Basics

From the start of my day, to the end of my night, things have been the same for too long.

For the past couple of days, I've decided to take things back to when time wasn't so rapidly passing by with repitition. This is always a difficult understanding and transition to come to.

There are times right now...when I feel so alone. When I want to scream at the top of my lungs just to hear the echo answer back.

There are other times when being alone fits just so perfectly.

I've decided to change things, yet again but this time only to get a better understanding of myself as an individual. Everything that I have surrounded myself with has been something that I have EXTREMELY depended on to make my day feel a little bit more like I mattered. It was a drug that made me feel important, only to wear off at the end of the day and make me feel like I needed more.

So here I am. For a while...trying to kick the habits. Day 4 on this and I find myself with the itch to return to them...but I am a fighter! That is one thing that can never change. If I want something I will have it.

I feel like it's time to clean up my act and glue the pieces back together. I have my laughter, my tears, my sadness and happiness, my friends, my family, my job, my home...all to be thankful for.

My life is pretty much together, there is nothing in this world that I should be complaining about. There are worse things out there in life that are bigger than my problems...

It's like momma always said "Some one out there has it harder than you"...

And so with that there are things that I can let go of for a while, so that MY things aren't hard.

I'm going to shed that last layer of skin, cry that last tear, and be born again....I need to remember what was easy and helped me progress. I am only a hinderance to myself and I need to stop being that. It's time to go back to being the best person I can be.