For the life of me, I could never truly understand this word.
Everytime in my life that I have ever truly needed it, I turned away or never really faced it. You can call it cowardace, cuz I am more than sure that is what it was.
Yesterday....yesterday was supposed to be my 5 year anniversary. I had planned for that day from the very first moment I met Andrew. I was going to go back to the very beginning. I would go to where we first sat and talked, the place I first fell in love, the place we first ate....and the place where we first became soul mates.
Coincidentally, all those places (save for the eating place) where all the same place. I wanted to go back to the place where my life would change and see what what made that place so magical.
So...I went...Andrew and I...we met there...
But different people this time.
It's been hard lately...being this different person. Trying to live this life without something that was so familiar.
But I manage.
We met there....and things were still the same, with the exception that we are no longer together...I've wondered, how it would sound to say that out loud. Cuz I've never really said "we aren't together anymore"...I say, we aren't seeing eachother, or we still hang out...but nothing quite definitive as we aren't together anymore.
It brings tears, just a bit...ya know.
This night was still and calm, conversation was wonderful as always. The rapport we share on that level is something that no one will ever be able to attain. On his level or mine. Conversationally, we are Supreme Beings! Play on words, quips, condescending and self indulgient remarks are something that him and I only get...There are things that only we will ever understand because we are so intuned...
Makes me wonder where we went wrong, if it was REALLY too much to deal with.
But I am here, at a point where I understand all things happen for a reason. I have always been a firm believer in fate. It guides and moves us. Everything has an outcome and it really couldn't have happened any other way.
Andrew and I are no longer a couple. We have shared and experienced things that no other couple in the world could ever.
But what we share now...is an idea of a journey. Not together, of course. But we will and do cross paths along it. And sometimes, I am more than positive that we will walk together for a while.
I can see that, because of Andrew...I am a greater man. And he as well. We both have reason for discovering how we are as Individuals.
I think that we mostly became side tracked on the individual goals that we had set for one another. Things that we wanted JUST for ourselves.
Now we have this opportunity. I get to find out, just how much I really am who I say I am. Of course there will be some fine tuning, but I am left with a great foundation to keep growing into someone better.
What ever flaw or mistake that I have, I will fix. I will conquer and be better for it.
I love andrew.....I have no problem saying it. He will continue to be in my life.
I hurt over this...my heart aches for something that i knew for so long. But I know that this journey is taking place because it needs to. For me, my next relationship, or maybe......
What ever the circumstance, i need to perfect it so that eventually, I'll get it right.
So as of this blog...this moment right now. I feel closure...every thing has come full circle. I feel like I understand MORE than I have ever understood before. I feel that my life and my dreams are still mine...and it's up to me to make them come true. And although I'm not ready for the next step of inviting anyone in to my life...i will not stop living life.
Everytime in my life that I have ever truly needed it, I turned away or never really faced it. You can call it cowardace, cuz I am more than sure that is what it was.
Yesterday....yesterday was supposed to be my 5 year anniversary. I had planned for that day from the very first moment I met Andrew. I was going to go back to the very beginning. I would go to where we first sat and talked, the place I first fell in love, the place we first ate....and the place where we first became soul mates.
Coincidentally, all those places (save for the eating place) where all the same place. I wanted to go back to the place where my life would change and see what what made that place so magical.
So...I went...Andrew and I...we met there...
But different people this time.
It's been hard lately...being this different person. Trying to live this life without something that was so familiar.
But I manage.
We met there....and things were still the same, with the exception that we are no longer together...I've wondered, how it would sound to say that out loud. Cuz I've never really said "we aren't together anymore"...I say, we aren't seeing eachother, or we still hang out...but nothing quite definitive as we aren't together anymore.
It brings tears, just a bit...ya know.
This night was still and calm, conversation was wonderful as always. The rapport we share on that level is something that no one will ever be able to attain. On his level or mine. Conversationally, we are Supreme Beings! Play on words, quips, condescending and self indulgient remarks are something that him and I only get...There are things that only we will ever understand because we are so intuned...
Makes me wonder where we went wrong, if it was REALLY too much to deal with.
But I am here, at a point where I understand all things happen for a reason. I have always been a firm believer in fate. It guides and moves us. Everything has an outcome and it really couldn't have happened any other way.
Andrew and I are no longer a couple. We have shared and experienced things that no other couple in the world could ever.
But what we share now...is an idea of a journey. Not together, of course. But we will and do cross paths along it. And sometimes, I am more than positive that we will walk together for a while.
I can see that, because of Andrew...I am a greater man. And he as well. We both have reason for discovering how we are as Individuals.
I think that we mostly became side tracked on the individual goals that we had set for one another. Things that we wanted JUST for ourselves.
Now we have this opportunity. I get to find out, just how much I really am who I say I am. Of course there will be some fine tuning, but I am left with a great foundation to keep growing into someone better.
What ever flaw or mistake that I have, I will fix. I will conquer and be better for it.
I love andrew.....I have no problem saying it. He will continue to be in my life.
I hurt over this...my heart aches for something that i knew for so long. But I know that this journey is taking place because it needs to. For me, my next relationship, or maybe......
What ever the circumstance, i need to perfect it so that eventually, I'll get it right.
So as of this blog...this moment right now. I feel closure...every thing has come full circle. I feel like I understand MORE than I have ever understood before. I feel that my life and my dreams are still mine...and it's up to me to make them come true. And although I'm not ready for the next step of inviting anyone in to my life...i will not stop living life.
I have this feeling that washed over me today. It was me being semi intact. Calm...not scared or afraid of much. Just READY....clarity....focus...
Thank you very much for what you have left me with....you are the greatest person a guy could ever know.
