Scott Kaughman...I love you!!!

I know, I know...it sounds like some movie you may have heard of, but no...this is real...HAHAHA

Today while at work, I was making change for the registers. I wasn't supposed to be helping anyone, but a man....and do I mean MAN, walked in to the store. I was at a loss for words. I stopped and stared for what I was at least 287 hours.

This man was so gorgeous that I just couldn't talk.

He walked directly up to me and smiled. I'm pretty sure at that point, I was a puddle of slush on the floor. (but I'm also pretty sure that I was a happy puddle) I walked over to the register and asked him. "What can I help you with?"

I couldn't help but stare at his chiseled chest. He was a construction worker and wore his rolled up, long sleeved, red and white flannel shirt half way unbuttoned so you could see his muscular physique.

The heat was unbearable, but when I looked in to his crystal blue eyes I was transported to a cool watery oasis, where the sky was filled with big beautiful clouds and a breeze blew every few minutes. His sandy blond hair hung over his brow in a shaggy sort of way, but it complimented his amazing clear complexion of light tan perfection.

He smiled at me...his smile could melt diamonds. I had seen nirvana.

Michaelangelo couldn't have sculpted something this wonderful.


He told me what he needed done and as I walked to grab his paper, he held my hand and we lingered for a moment. The pheromones in the air between us were unbearable. Our animal instinct gave in.

He pulled me over the counter. He said "I've been waiting my whole life to meet you" and he kissed me. I threw the bag of money on the floor and went in for the deepest kiss. It was wet and dry...soft and hard...I could feel it in my toes as they curled. My body throbbed and it took my breath away.

He caressed the center of my back and pulled me in closer to him. His hand touched my neck as he nibbled my ear. People watched, but I didn't care...I was pretty sure I had died and gone to heaven. He whispered in my ear..."Franky....." and I said "uh huh?" and bit his lip....

"Excuse me?...Sir?"

I was snapped back to reality.

His name was Scott Kaughman. This gorgeous man in front of me...so amazing to look at, I think I cried tears of true happiness for I had found the meaning of life.

I helped him with his order....he wanted something simple. He wanted to wait to come back until Monday. I told him he could wait and I'll do it while he waits. (I don't work Mondays so you can damn well bet I was gonna take in as much of him at that moment as I could.)

I finished his job...and as not to be rude, I made small conversation with him. (He was waiting after all) "I couldn't help but notice you have a nice chest. Do you work out?"

"I don't really have to in my line of work...every day is a workout..hahaha" and there he went smiling that smile that only gods have seen.

"What's your meal plan like?"

"Well, I get hungry alot...so I eat lots of chicken and steak. I like to watch what I eat so I don't get that belly that some of my co workers have"

"Do you drink often?"

"HA HA HA....you're gonna laugh, but...I drink lots of milk. If you want a great body, you need to drink lots of milk."

and I got thirsty.....



and suddenly, I was no longer lactose intolerant.

Day Dreams, Night Dreams....

I have about 4 journals that I have written in over the years.

For some reason, I can't right in just ANY journal. There has to be something about the book. Something inviting. Quite even possibly, something hidden between the lines that I write on.

The cover of the book starts the story. I have to want to open the book. I want to know that story inside is being kept very well by this amazing cover.

Well this one book...was just so completely inviting. I'd like to show you why:

This is the cover of one side:



On the inside of this cover there is an inscription:

Day Dreams We travel through life on daydreams.
To destinations faraway...
Experiences unknown...
Imaginations untapped...
Follow where your mind takes you.
For once there, anything is possible.
And every journey is an inspiration to the soul...
to make the dream, real.


On the other side of the book, there is this cover:



On the inside of this cover, it reads:

Night Dreams:

Beneath a starry landscape,
We journey in to dreams
On silvery night wings
to distant places.

Cross the threshold,
and enter worlds beyond...
Where hidden secrets wait to unfold
their enchanting magic.

These are the most inviting words I've heard from a book...I just had to have it.

I hope that you all can find that invite to something special...

In a perfect world???

Scenario:

Think about it....

As someone, you're an individual. You have thoughts and feelings that you just quite don't understand sometimes. Things that may hurt people. You have to watch what you say and choose your words correctly. There are do's and don't's. You can't act how you want and you have to hold back so much. You get to love some of the greatest things, and find passion for life in the simplest of pleasures. The feel of the grass between your toes is just as wonderful as a cool breeze on a hot summer day. Love at first sight is something you dream of. Crying is such a release....and smiles light your way.

The world that we live in is just so corrupt and in some cases unbearable. The paper, the news, the talk at the water cooler about how Tom in payroll just lost his home. Things you can't control. It's a nasty business.

But most people will say "that's life...it's hard". What's hard for one person is easy for another. People go through things you couldn't even imagine. Some people have a golden road paved out for them before their even released from the womb.

Sounds like a roller coaster, huh? Up and down back and forth...God it's so confusing.

But what if you were given the option to avoid all of that?

No pain or suffering. No hate or displeasure. No waiting for the moment when everything makes more sense. No frustration. It's all just made up for you. You wouldn't have to feel or worry about anything. Destiny will be clear and cut for you. Just a constant clear mind because you already know what's at the end of the road. A place where everyone is equal...COMPLETELY EQUAL.

Could you give up the feeling you get when you smell a cologne that reminds you of someone? How about the way your body reacts when you hear a song? The feeling of a first kiss? Compassion? Emotional Attachment?

Would you give all that up to know that every awful emotion, instance and problem that MAY happen or does happen in the world, wouldn't happen anymore?


If you were offered what seemed to be a perfect world....

Would you do it?

Don't take it personal

Okay...so finally...this is the last piece of blog. I got here and now things will be and are different. Things ARE different....

March 7, 2008

"So it has come to my attention by a few people that I have singled them out. Apparently, I have not taken the time to sit back and gab about the things that we once did.

Some people don't receive calls, text messages, emails, or even myspace comments.

Now, do me a favor before you continue reading this...and understand that I say this because MY situation needs to be cleared up. I need to set things straight so that everyone is on the same page and you all understand where i am coming from. The only thing that is personal about this, is that I am writing every individual who has told me lately "You don't have time for me anymore" Or, "Someone else has taken my spot".

Last year, things were so different. If you really are my friend, then you totally understand where I am coming from when I say that. I was in a different place, doing different things. Time was all I had.

I wasn't working, I wasn't going to school. I wasn't doing anything at all but hanging out and spending lots of time with all of my friends. It was an easy kick back time.

Then, I had to fight extremely hard for somethings that I really wanted and needed in my life. And I got it. All my hard work had paid off and I appreciated that all of you were there for me so much. The time that you spent cheering me on and giving me that push to endure, was and is to this day appreciated in ways you can not even imagine.

I thank God every single day for the gift of you in my life.

Those days of hanging out so frequently are gone though. And honestly, not because I want them to. I would love to be with any of you, or all of you when I have the free time, but in the life that I have to live right now...that can't be the case.

I don't have the time to really do anything. I need you to understand and NOT JUST SAY you understand. I have been trying to keep my head above water. This job that I have, has been so extremely demanding that it has unfortunately put a strain on things even closer to home.

From the start of my day I am bombarded with questions and problems. I have to come up with answers to thing that I don't even know yet. But I HAVE to do these things.

At the end of my work day, I am exhausted. I have enough time to eat get my things ready for the next day, kiss my fiancee good night and get ready to do start the process all over again.

The situation has been a task throughout. What I do IS NOT EASY. it may seem like it would be easy, or that at the END OF MY DAY I could just go out and relax. That's not how it is. My day DOESN'T end. I get calls while I'm sleeping sometimes about a situation that needs to be handled.

Honestly, it got to a point where I would walk out of work extremely upset for weeks. And rant and pick at all the things that were wrong with my day. I started smoking 2 packs a week. It was a very serious issue. One weekend, I even turned off my phone only to find out that I had 4 messages from work.

And on weekends, every errand that I should have run, every promise to be somewhere for someone is what I have to figure out what to do. And sometimes, all I want to do is stay in bed. But I can't, because we ALWAYS have something to do.

Lately, the only time that I have had to be with my papi is when we spontaneously say "let's go to the mall" or on a Friday or Saturday night. Sunday's are just days to finish doing the errands we didn't get to during the week.

At night, we lay in bed exhausted from our days. It's tiring guys. It's not like it used to be...I have a responsibility to make sure that I can take care of my papi the way he has done for me.

I'm not saying you are unimportant, but being successful and doing what needs to be done is more important than having fun.

I love you guys, with all my heart. And I haven't forgotten you. But this is the case for EVERYONE. Right now, with everything so hectic and chaotic but some how STRUCTURED. There is only a little time to breathe...

That's all I think I have time for...to breathe. Cuz when I am done, I look around and see that there is so much that needs to be done.

Please, just bare with me. Don't take it personal..I'm not trying to single you out. I barely have time to spend with my papi. When I have the time, I will do my best to show you that I haven't forgotten about you, nor have you been replaced."

You know what has also come to my attention?? I hate the word RECEIVE!!!!! As I was pasting my blog here....I would run a spell check. That fuckin word kept popping up (even as I spelled this last one...GRRRRR)

What a quitter

This happens to be my funniest post ever....

January 2, 2008

"So I'm sitting here at work completely exhausted from this wonderful and great party weekend that I had.

I was pretty sure that I was ten years younger than I actually am, with the way that I behaved this weekend. Good old "DAVID" was hitting the club and destroying his liver like he was 18 again.

I was out almost everyday guzzling down whatever alcoholic beverage you threw at me.

I was a champion!!

LOL

There was even a day that I DIDN'T drink, but my body had the sluggish symptoms of what would have been a hangover.

Today will be the first day, in about 4, that I haven't had something to drink.

New Years was a beautiful blurr of shiny objects, drinks thrown to and fro, flirtations, and cold, inconsiderate weather!

And so, as we all know....when the new year rolls by we choose to give up some kind of bad habit or addiction.

Naturally, one would assume that I would give up the good ole alky. But no...I drink because it makes me feel sexy and cool, and of course there's nothing like the feeling of being hit by a truck the next morning to make a person feel extra glamorous.

So I chose to give up something else that made me EQUALLY attractive as an alcoholic with liver poisoning.

Smoking. (Just seeing the word is making me want one right now...GRRRRR)

Now the denial that an addict has is pretty intense. They believe that they can quit at any time. They have this made up lie, embedded into their brain, that they are the master of this need for stimuli. As Foxxy Love would say, "We ain't slaves to nothin but the rhythm" Not to mention, there is always an excuse why they really don't need to give it up.

That's not true at all. It's one of the hardest things to do. To give something up cold turkey without any kind of waining system.

To just stop.

It's only been one day, but it seems like my body knows what I am up to and wants a cigarette.

I'm not a person who craves. I never want a cigarette unless I have a pack on me. Some how NOW...it's not the case anymore. I guess I'm going to have to admit it...I am addicted to looking MAD SEXY and cool. And Cigarettes help me to attain the look I'm going for.

BUT...apparently as cool as cigarettes make me look, the SMELL, from what I hear is not so cool.

So this year...I will do my best to try and keep my sex appeal WITHOUT the crutch of a cigarette.

I know what you are thinking, "But Franky...You can't possibly look as gorgeous as you do with out a cigarette." and " How in the world are you going to smell as truly fabulous as you do when you've been smoking??!"

I honestly, 100% completely know where you are coming from.

I really truly don't want to deprive anyone the opportunity to bask in the beauty that is me walking in from outside reeking of ashtray. Or kissing my nicotine riddled mouth. OR seeing me hack up something green and not be sure if it's mucus or a piece of lung But you are just going to have to try and love me for who I AM and not how totally awesome I look when holding a cigarette and wearing my nicotine cologne!!!"

I think i should do stand up or something...this is great material!!!

Movie

I didn't realize that I had blogged so much on Mi Espacio...


December 28, 2007

"I'm writing this now because I damn well know that I won't have the capacity to sit down in front of the computer for the next couple of days. (NO sickos, not for the reason you think....well, at least not until my birthday....hahaha)

This year....WOW....what can I say about this year, that hasn't already been blogged about.

It's important to remember all the things that happened to me so that I won't repeat the same mistakes again.

This year began as a seemingly wonderful adventure that was going to end in a huge climactic scene, but somewhere further down the line, where I am in the battle to save the galaxy. Alas, this movie had a huge twist that no one saw coming. I didn't really think that I was living an M. Night movie. I was hoping for more of a Peter Jackson feel. (Minus losing a finger)

In the twist, things went so down hill that I thought this was the end. Actually I just wanted it to be the end. it was a situation where I didn't want to keep looking. I put my hands over my eyes to avoid the gruesome scene that was unfolding before my eyes. Truthfully, I wanted to walk of set.

I read the script, and I wanted the part...but then someone changed the script. Apparently, someone got a hold of the first draft and didn't like what was on the page. So to mix it up, they threw in all sorts of bad things....One right after another.

A stolen identity.

An almost arrest.

A job denied.

A court scene.

A move.

A struggle.

Hopelessness.

A fight scene.

A betrayal.

and the end of the world.

And the thing about it was that, I hadn't studied my lines or practiced. i just went on set and ad-libbed everything.

This movie...was starting to suck. It started to become one of those films that you just wish it was over because the character had endured so much.

But then, it was so comical. Like you couldn't help but laugh in hysterics at the irony of the whole situation.

It was all planned out, carefully..the way that things were supposed to go. But as you continue to watch, it looks like the actors were fumbling on purpose. Like it was supposed to be a sort of satire on things not to do in a situation like this. As many thing that can go wrong the characters end up saying "OOPS...." and then cue the laugh track ala "I LOVE LUCY"

But it's not really that simple is it. If life was just a movie, or it really could be written and you could take the parts you want and turn down the ones that don't seem appealing, that would make things a billion times more wonderful.

So as the credits started to roll...I wanted to pick up another script and get right back to making another movie.

We'll just say that the last film I made was what gave me my big break. I was tenured on what i would be looking for in the next movie. I wanted something that was a bit more serious. With a bigger part. A character that was on his way to greatness. So I decided to take hold and make my own movie.

So I applied myself. I fought hard. I waited. I did everything possible to be this character and make this movie the way that I NEEDED it to be.

And finally, I'm here...I made it. The last movie I made was a major flop. It's in the bargain bin at Sav-on for .99.

Although, this is just the start of something I can feel is spectacular, I won't say that this is the greatest movie ever made. But it is, a good movie.

I understand what it takes to play this part. I am the hero. I am the man that saves the day.

And now, at the close of this year...it's all finally taking off. Everything is going according to schedule.

I put the last year behind me. I am more than happy to see it go and look forward to this masterpiece that I am about to partake in.

Magnificence doesn't sum up the words...

More so....OSCAR WORTHY!!"

Triumph

Things get just a bit better now....getting closer to my dreams...

October 29, 2007

"Well, FUCK IT ALL. hahahahaha

It's been a while since I've been this genuinely happy. All those instances of defeat and angst turn around and cower in the corner. They have been defeated.

It was an extremely difficult two months. I didn't think that life would have ever gotten as bad as it did, but IT did.

Today though, is my victory. I won. I beat it all.

Two weeks ago, I had an interview with Bank Of America. They didn't want me. I was a bit sad because I thought that I did a really great job of impressing them. I thought my experience and enthusiasm would be enough to get me that job that I knew I'd be wonderful at.

The interview ended rather abruptly, though. I wasn't quite sure how to react to it, and I left wondering if that was the end of the process or was there something more that should have happened.

I was down on myself because I thought that I should have done better. I have never in my life felt as rejected as I did the day that they called me back and said that they were going to go with other candidates.

For every interview that I had been on, I had ALWAYS gotten the job. No position had ever called me back and said "you do NOT have the job". It was a huge blow to my ego. I thought I had lost that ability to win people over and let them know what a great person I was. Most of all, I thought that I had used up my chances to find something that I would be really good at and that pays well.

Thanks to Gloria, she gave me a bit of an inside tip that FedEx was hiring. She said they were looking for people to fill a really great position. That same day, I had tried to apply online, but their website was going to be down for a week. truthfully, I wasn't even going to bother with it. I was just going to try to get something that I would be overqualified for and just bite the bullet on the pay. My thought processes was "hey, at least you'd be working". So after the week went by...I hadn't heard back from any other jobs I applied for (I am truly convinced that the jobs that you apply for through CalJobs are all fake...I mean come on...12 jobs and NOT ONE called me back??? Yeah right!!!) so I decided to fill out an application for FedEx.

Wouldn't ya know...that not even 48 hours later, I got called in for an interview. I was shocked. I went in for the first interview with the manager...she was a really sweet girl. She passed me on to the next interview. I thought, okay...I must've done good.

So the next interview was with the girl I was going to be replacing. She passed me on to the next interview. I was getting more confident that I was going to get it.

The next interview (which I thought was going to be my last) lasted only 15 minutes. I thought I worked my charm a bit too much, joking and laughing with the guy (he was so HOTT)...but he told me that I should hear something by the following day from the district manager.

Now....for the entire week while I was going through deliberations, I could not sleep. I just wasn't tired and it was really the only thing on my mind (was I going to get the job???) I was just stressin' about how much I really wanted this. How it was going to change everything for the better. EVEN BETTER than from the way things were when we lived on our own. It was going to erase all the horrible bad things that have been going on for the past few months.

It was going to make things matter.

The last day of the week (Friday) I got a call from the district manager. I was caught off guard and wasn't really expecting him to do a phone interview. It was even more brief than the one with the hottie.

And then I had to wait. I knew that I wouldn't receive a call until Monday...so it festered. I started doubting myself and believing that they would turn me down too. But then like the flip of a coin, I believed that they wouldn't put me through 4 interviews to tell me that I don't have the job. 3 out of 4 must have liked me to keep putting me through the next level and that was all I really needed.

Today I could not sleep. I went to bed around 4 and lied in bed till 530 before I dozed off. I kept dreaming that I received the call telling me if I got the job. Sometimes the dream would say I got it. Sometimes the dream would say that I didn't get it. Sometimes the dream would say I have to go on another interview. I was going a bit psycho in my sleep.

This morning I got a call....and they offered me the position. Actually, the word that she used was "I would like to extend you an offer to come work for our company...are you still interested?" I honestly couldn't contain myself. I thought I was dreaming again. I asked her "are you fer real??" and she said yes. Everyone really liked my attitude and think that I would make a perfect asset to the company. There was a bit of me laughing like a crazy man...but it stopped when I caught myself...LOL

So there it is.

I got the job. I did it. It's WONDERFUL.

And I couldn't have done this without all the wonderful people that have supported me through this time. You are all simply amazing. Your strength and encouragement have lifted me so high that the sky is no where to be seen.

Erika and Gloria: Thanks so much for letting me bug you guys in the morning. Thanks for giving me a place to stay and a word from the heart. Thanks for all the hugs and laughter to get me through this time. I love you guys extremely. You guys and you family are like my family. Thanks for making me feel so good about being alive.

Roxie: You have the kind of inspiration that no one has ever mastered. Your faith in God and your understanding towards the situation helped get me through also. The thing that echoed in my head is what you said to me the day I went for my first interview "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. He has bigger plans for you and doesn't want you to have that B of A job." You were so very correct. Thanks Miss Roxy Heart. I love you.

Richard and Nancy: You guys...damn...there are never enough words for you guys. It was just great to be able to talk to you and tell you guys everything. It was great to see such warmth and hope in your eyes. You guys are the family that has been with me longer than anyone over the years. Even though the chips are down (and they have been DOWN) you guys have always been there for anything that I may ever need. I appreciate that so very much. I hope that one day I will be able to repay that kindness tenfold. I love you guys.

Papi: Jeezus....what in the world would I do without my anchor? I have lived this life for so long, but was so broken and out of place without you. You fix me and put all the pieces together. You give me reason and meaning. Even though things were horrible, you stood by me and supported me. With no pressure, just the encouragement to assess and conquer. I thank God for you everyday. I love you...I love you....I love you...I love you.

To all the rest. Daisy, Matt, Jay, Amber, Karla and Ricky. I didn't forget about you all that made every horrible day so much more livable. The world may be a bad place, but with all of you MY world is a paradise. Thanks for being there, for the little notes of kindness. For the prayers at night. For being apart of my life and my heart. I find peace of mind because you have all helped me in tremendous ways. Your friendship is invaluable...

And thank you God, my Lord and Savior, for surrounding me with all these wonderful people and great experiences. I know that I can not take the good without the bad. I know that everything that you bring in to my life is here because you want it there. I thank you for humbling me and giving me the opportunity to re-evaluate everything in my life. I lost the meaning of everything I had, and took it all for granted. Thanks for making me see those things that are truly wonderful. And those things that should not be taken for granted."