Some Sort Of Fairytale

So, today..I was told by someone that I was "shady". That perhaps it was put in to question that I was not reliable when it came to "payments". (Let's say that this person is F and he was told by 3 that I was AVOIDING him.)

F didn't say it was true or that he believed it and laughed it off.

I could see that F was only making fun of the situation because he has seen that I have done my part to provide a lifestyle. Not to mention...he and I have a similar understanding on how 3 can be. I have never been without money and am not one to ever tell anyone "NO" when it comes to it. (Especially if you're doing me a favor)

I will be the first to ask someone if they need gas money. I will be the first to pay for entrance so my friends can be around. I will by a round of drinks. I treat my friends when I have the means.

So maybe this person was NOT my friend. I just called him that by association.

I'm not normally one to complain about things like this. I am proud of the things that I have and like to share those things with the people around me. I've never been fake or lied about my life to anyone because my life has made me who I am.

It's obvious to me that if you are in my life, you like who I am. I treat you with respect and have listened to anything you've got to say. My heart is in it.

But because I have heard these things, all these feelings have come out about 3.

3 is a punk for saying these things about me.

He doesn't know me well enough to say things about me like this.

I have sat and listened to his lies, his drama, his complaints. I've watched his life of insanity and allowed him to taint my eyes and ears with disdain.

I feel like....I've actually SEEN him think about the lies to tell.

Lies to make him feel better about himself?? Or so that people wouldn't laugh at him or make fun of him?

I wouldn't do something like that....but he has prompted me to feel that I should.

I feel that I should be the one to tell everyone the truth why he isn't around here anymore.

Just put his shit on blast.

I feel like I should have told him "Shut up! I don't want to hear it anymore. NO ONE DOES! You're like a broken record. YOU are the definition of insanity. If you don't know what I mean LOOK IT UP!" Or maybe "People don't like you all that much. You can't be trusted. Get back to me when you can tell the truth"

But then I just become a part of his show. (Not to mention, momma didn't raise me to be like that)

But I think NOW, when I see him. I won't have the same view of him. I won't want to hug him or smile with him. I won't want to laugh with him or sit and listen to his drama.

If it bugged him, then he should have been man enough to talk to me about it. But to talk about me to someone that is close to me....makes me feel like I have been hanging around with a child. An immature one...one that doesn't quite grasp integrity or responsibility.

What kinda bugs too..is that I have no choice but to deal with him.

He's got little to no long term friends and I think that THAT is going to be a running trend if he continues the behavior.

I've wasted time pondering all his embelishments and confabulations....and conemplate if it's the life he wishes he had, cuz I don't think its ever happened. Not to him OR to anyone. Is he aware of how it sounds to EVERYONE?"

I am truly convinced that he suffers from pseudologia fantastica...that's the perfect diagnosis.

And so, to put it there...I need to get it off my chest.

And if YOU are reading this, then I hope I make my point. It's out there for you to see and read...if you happen to stumble upon it, I can assuredly say that it was NOT by accident. You're just that nosey. I think that you will use this to say something negative about me. But by me never saying whether it is you or not, it will drive you a bit more insane that you already are.

You've lost my respect.

I will tolerate you because I have to.

I will be polite and nothing but the best of who I am around you.

But my feelings about you from here on out are quite clear.

You're a dick. You're drama. You make people sick and tired of hearing about a pain you infllict on yourself. You drive people away because your honesty is deminished by your lack of self respect. I can see you laying in bed satisfied that you made up some amazing adventure to tell people. You NEED other people to validate what you are saying and believe to be true because its not true unless others believe your farce too.

But it's just that...some sordid fairytale.

With everything I have...i am so Sorry

Today...I spoke to a friend that I have known for about 4 plus few years.

He told me that, I made him feel used.

I try to pride myself on being a great person. Someone who takes the feelings and thoughts of others around me into consideration, before my own.

But there was a time that I didn't care about anyone but myself.

I did what I wanted and was not concerned with how those around me would respond. I figured, if you were really my friend...then you would be around through anything.

In retrospect, that made me a COMPLETE asshole.

So I am putting it out there for every one to know, because I am embarrased and ashamed of the way that I had behaved.

I am sorry to anyone that I may have befriended, had sex with and never bothered calling you again.

I apologize for making the excuse that I was always busy.

I am so sorry for not giving you the time that you were giving back.

I am sorry for not being honest enough to say "I really am not prepared to have a relationship right now"

I'm sorry for purposely pushing you away.

I'm sorry for being that douchebag that we all hope to never find.

The reason all of that happened was because, he hurt me. He hurt me a lot. And all I ever wanted was to have him completely understand that he should have given me the chance...he should have loved me as hard as I loved him every single time he messed up on me.

And even though he hurt me, I still loved him deeply.

And that pissed me off.

I hated myself for not being upset with him.

He took away my goals and my dreams.

I lost my hope.

I had promised myself that no one would take that from me and someone did.

I let my guard down and someone gave me a reason to put it back up.

You know how, when you get hurt by someone, you say "I'll never do that to someone"? Well, I was so wrong for being a hypocrite.

I'm sorry for being so destructive and asking you to come along for the ride.

I know that I hurt so many of you guys. And I will do my best to never do anything like that to any of you again.

To one person in particular, My Red Ranger....I wanna tell you, if I did any thing to hurt you...you mattered the most. You were the first person that I genuinely wanted to start dating. It took a while for me to feel that, but spending time with you made my life a bit better. You were the one that put so many smiles on my face. I just want to say thank you. And maybe, things didn't work out the way we had both planned, but i have you in my life. I was sad when you weren't around or I couldn't get a hold of you. I know how hard you put forth an effort..and I was just non responsive sometimes. I was fucked up for that. But I'm glad you're still here.

I never meant to use anybody. I'm very glad that someone told me how I made them feel because, I deserve to know that I made someone feel aweful.

And anyone that I have wronged in that same way, deserves an apology.

You just let me know if I have and you will get the respect and apology you deserve.

My one and only

When every thing is said and done,
In all the world there's only one,
Who hugs us tight and dries our tears,
Or saves us from our nighttime fears.

Just before we go to bed,

She'd tuck us in and kiss our head.

"Sweet dreams my darling. Please sleep tight"

Was all you needed to rest through the night.

She scolded us when we were bad,
And even though it made her sad,
The reason for it all along,
Was to teach us right from wrong.

She pushed us hard to do our best,

To tackle every single test,

And even when our lives got loud,

We do the best to make her proud.


So just one day is not enough,
To praise the superhero tough,
People in our lives who teach,
That nothing is out of our reach.

It's cuz of her you try again.
Because you can remember when,
She picked you up when you were small,
And said "you can do ANYTHING at all"

She's got the hardest job to do,
But always knows how to get through.
She does so much you ask how or why,
I think because some moms can fly.

So here's to you MY everything,
You're proof that angels don't need wings.
Your words and love have molded me,
Into the man I'm proud to be.

I'm everything because of you,
And know there's nothing I can't do.
You kept me on the beaten track,
I wish one day to pay you back.

So here's a poem from my heart,
To prove that this is paybacks start.
I am blessed to have you and no other,
I love you....my one and only,

Mother.

It's loud in here

Today, not so much a good day.

It got loud in my head.

I have a few thoughts that slip in and slip out.

I ask for help..

it works....For a bit....

I wonder how long it takes.

I think that if I try to force it that it's gonna take TOO long.

But if I never want it, if I never ask for it, I won't get it.

So how does it work?

Being unsure is crappy.

But today...it was not a good day.

Making a decision

I’ve been attempting to make a decision.

Truthfully, this is one of the hardest things I have had to decide on in my adult life.

I have to decide on whether or not I want to continue to hurt myself.

Ya see, I had a friend who meant the world to me. He meant so much to me in fact that, I was willing to help him in any way imaginable. Actually, I DID. I did something for him that I never thought I would do for anyone EVER.

Well, things went sour and little by little the person that I loved more than I loved myself did something very hurtful to me.

Now, one thinks that if you are a true friend that nothing can come between friendships.

This is sorta true. I didn’t let it come in between ours I just needed some time to figure out how to continue going about trusting my friend. He had broken my trust so many times, on MAJOR levels. Was I going to continue to let him in to my comfort zone? Or would I stop confiding in the one person who knew me inside and out?

Well, HE ended up making that decision for me. He decided to remove me from him life. I felt, at first, a little ripped off. How was it going to be HE that turned this whole thing around to be about ME hurting HIM?

Like so many times before, he wronged me and I was going to pay for it.

But I started to think of how angry it made me. It was decaying me on the inside. I would think of scenarios…not very good ones…where something god awful would happen and I would revel in it.

Then, there were times where I was sad and would wonder how he could be so cruel and selfish.
I am a good person…a forgiving and loving person. My friends are my family…they are the reason I smile and laugh. I will and would do anything for those people closest to me, and in some cases for people I barely even know.

So why was this breaking my heart?

I am a better person than that. And I KNOW that my light shines bright. So, I caught myself. I stopped myself from destroying ME.

I prayed…still do, that God will grant me the ability to overcome this. I pray that, I will stand with my head up high knowing that I did the right thing. And I learned from this…

I will move forward…I will forgive and forget. But not just of this ONE instance, from ALL of them.

It’s time to move on and forget about all those things that hurt or that caused me pain. I think that I’ve learned enough in life that I can LIVE without the pain.

I have an amazing man by my side. He wakes me up every morning and kisses my lips. He holds me at night and whispers in my ear. He brings me Pinkberry to make me feel better and smells like heaven. He makes me smile…I make ME smile. I’m in love with someone who loves me just as much.
And that’s more than enough reason to not think about what was…I need to think about what WILL be.

I have my experiences. I have my past and accomplishments of them.

And now, it’s time to learn…and let go. Be truly as free as I have always wanted to be.

The only thing that keeps me down is those things that USED to keep me down. But how can they have so much power?? They don’t unless I let them have power.

So….yesterday, as I lay on the living room floor with my bedroom mattress; next to my boo….I decided. I’m going to get over it.

I have decided to let God help me with this trial. I will let him lead the way and take the angst from my heart.

I will hold no ill will. I will not think negatively about anything. I will no longer be sad that my friend is gone. I will be okay. I will be happy. And when the time comes I will look him in the eye, shake his hand and tell him “it was nice to have met you.”

Reasons

So as we were talking tonight, I had remembered reasons...

Reasons for the way that you make me smile, or the reasons you make me happy.

and so....I decided to document them just in case you forget. (or perhaps, I forget because I'm old...lol)

Reason #1: The way that you sound excited every time you answer the phone.

Baby, no matter how awful my day is, when I call you...you always sound so wonderful when I call you. It's like a million smiles all dressed in one petite package. The sound of your voice when I call you WHEREVER you are..it's a feeling that I just can't describe to you.

I don't really remember what reason number two is..but it's something pretty wonderful. ( I no doubt am sure it has to do with the way you smile because when you do..I forget where I am. Who I am....I'm enthralled by you. (My Serena..HAHAHA)

Reason #3: The faces you make in the shower. ( I think that my most pivotal moments are in the shower. I have never known how much I've loved a man except in the shower) LMAO

Reason#4: You sing with me in the car. Oh poppa. you sing like an angel. You may think that no one is listening, but I am.....my heart is...you sing wonderfully. The first man that can keep a note (noooooo, I'm not hating on the tone deaf men before, but this is different YOU know what I mean cuz you're there right now)

Life is different..it's colorful...it's smiles and rainbows and unicorns (although you say "I want to go on a horseback ride...I cringe..but I AM THERE with you)

This new adventure is about experiencing life untold.

What ever I had ever wanted to see or feel...is here. I love you Poppa. I love you much. I hope that there will be countless ways I can say to you "I love you" because THIS is only just one way.

"oooooooooh somebody...Ohhhhh Somebody...can any body find meeeee.....Somebody to loooOOOOooooooVE"

I welcome what's to come..this is a life that I've never had the chance to endulge in ..I am a man right now.

Besides all the past, what ever the future may bring.....

The present is where I am at..you have me.

100% you are my baby.

You are my dream...the waking moment.

I had hope for this....

I am...I love... :-)

Such a Giver...

I'm a little bothered. I'm not going to put any names out there, I'm just going to vent.

I met a man that said "I let him go because of my mothering nature....I let him go because I did TOO much for him. I cleaned his clothes, I gave him a place to stay, I gave him money. (Mind you, he did not have a job) I took care of him when he was drunk...I was too caring for him...."

So here is my problem with that, THAT'S THE KIND OF SHIT THAT YOU DO FOR SOMEONE YOU'RE WITH! It's not only good times. There are gonna be some bumps in the road where you HAVE to take the reigns if you are gonna offer your life and heart to someone then you give EVERYTHING, you don't present only a little bit or just the pieces that you want, jackass.

This guy was so completely SELFISH. He made it seem like such a burden to be such a fantastic, generous and giving person. What a tool. The minute that you can only think of yourself when you're in a relationship..then you deserve to be alone.

For months and months this guy was SUCH a giver...he wanted to give some ass to someone that WASN'T his boyfriend.

Now...this is bullshit! You don't cheat on your lover. If you are THAT caring for someone then you get the fuck out of the relationship. Don't be a pussy. You could have left whenever you wanted and instead you chose to fuck around on the internet. You are a douche!


I asked, "How can you do that to someone that you love?" He said, "Don't worry about it. Destiny has it's twists and turns"

NO! NO YOU FUCKING MORON!! DESTINY DOES NOT HAVE TWISTS AND TURNS!!! Destiny is a course of events that will EVENTUALLY HAPPEN! You have NO control over destiny It's set in stone, the end result is how it's supposed to be. Don't speak on things that you don't understand! Unless you are trying to say that eventually, you were going to cheat on him.

Allow me a moment to show you how it is properly used "You are destined to be an asshole"

So I guess prophecy fulfilled.

I do not have respect for this person that may have at one point been a friend.


I guess...the missing pieces of WHY you did the things you did to him was filled in by me...so in some ways, his destiny quip is true. I guess, I was here for a reason. He didn't have closure on your relationship...he never knew, but just had a feeling. I had the answers that he needed, only I didn't know that the answers I had were for him...I didn't even know I HAD answers.

Who does that???!!

I was walking home from work today when this red car flies by. I look back because I thought the driver was going kinda fast in an area that says "25 mph" and I remember seeing a woman with a baby at the crosswalk where the car was zooming to.

I see in the car a pretty hot looking cholo.

Light skinned, bald head, tattoos on his shoulders, mustache, white wife beater...Kinda not what you'd expect to be doing the following.

He busts a U Turn and stops his car in the parking area.....and I hear him yelling. "Hey!....In the hat!...come here! HEY!!"

I don't turn around because, this is East LA....who knows whats gonna happen.

I pretend to be texting and he rolls by...."EY...I wanna talk to you papa"

My stomach dropped.

Was this dude really talking to me? Trying to get at me in broad daylight? DID HE JUST CALL ME PAPA?!?!?

I get a call from my boo at the exact moment I am about to cross the street. The red car is about to make a right...I hear him say, "dayum papa...I coulda got all up in that. Be careful and look both ways before you cross the street" and blew me a kiss.

He speeds off and honks....

I think I'll masterbate about the "What If" now...LOL

My Dream

Today when I got home from work, I took a nap. I slept for about 4 hours. Normally, I wouldn't take so long of a nap so when I woke up and saw the time, I felt there was a HUGE significance about the things I could remember from my dream.

Just for your 411, in EVERY DREAM since I was a little boy, in my dreams, I could fly and had super human strength (and everyone knows that with super human strength comes invlunverability...lol It's just the way my mind works)

But not in this dream.

I wasn't weak or frail, I was just a normal person.

What I'm gong to do in this blog is tell you how it went...and then the symbolizm behind the things that I can remember. I haven't been dreaming so vividly lately, so this dream really kinda startled me.

In my dream I am walking down Whittier Blvd, in the city of La Habra. I walk in to a 7/11 and buy a cherry cheesecake danish. I am talking on the phone at first, but I can't really make out who I'm talking to...I just know that I am happy talking to this person.

The night is alive with cars, parties and people. It's very remiscent of the strip in Vegas.

I remember the streets being packed with people. I hang up the phone as I start walking towards an area that seems familiar to me, but I know that I am trying to make it home. I put on my Ipod and start walking. I start dancing and singing because I'm having a great time just being around these people with their energy. These two black dudes walk up to me and tell me that it looks like i'm having a great time, and they point me in the direction of this party that looks like it would be fun for it to last forever. I head that way, but then I realize that I'm carrying my shoes and I'm walking barefoot. At that point I turn back to walk in the direction that feels familiar...but I'm lost now. The way that I came is now a HUGE 30 foot gap of street with cars whistling by. (Now remember, in my dreams in my dreams I can fly) So, like I would do in every other dream. I look to the sky and try to take off....but I don't. Instead, I sort of LEAP over to the other size of this gap, but barely make it. I fall forward chest first and hit the ground. It hurt.

I pull out my phone because even though I made the gap...none of this looks the same. I call the one person who said I can always count on. He says he'll come pick me up.

So I run..I run past all the parties and the cars. I run past everything that I had traversed in the first place. He is on the phone with me and says "I'll pick you up at the old Pizza Parlor" so I turn to the other side and see the pizza parlor. It's run down and derelict, but there is a house and a parking area in the back. So I go to the house and open the door. A cousin, (who is a hybrid of my Uncle Ray and My Nina) is laying on a bed in a very small room, wearing a FedEx Uniform. He jumps up to grab a knife, but then realizes it's me and apologizes (knife in hand) I tell him that I thought Andrew was in there. But then Andrew flashes his lights and I see he's been outside.

I walk out and get caught in this enormous spiderweb. I can feel how sticky it is and how difficult it's become to move. But after a few tugs, I manage to get free. I see my shoes on the floor and I pick them up. I get in Andrews car and he tells me he needs to be home by 11pm. He met a guy and he promised he'd meet him then....as we drive, I notice a man with several guns in his car. ONE in particular is a small black revolver, that he is kissing lovingly.

Just as Andrew is about to tell me something very important, the man aims the gun at us and pulls the trigger. The sound of the firearm wakes me up.

This is what I've pieced together from my dream:

I went to go buy a cherry cheese danish because I had purchased some earlier and I forgot to eat them. I had been wanting one for a few days. (It was a sign of giving in to cravings...I'm trying to quit smoking)

Cell Phone:

To see or use a cell phone in your dream, indicates that you are being receptive to new information. It also represents your mobility.

The nightlife that i can ONLY compare to Vegas means:

To dream that you are in Las Vegas, refers to excess and overindulgence. You need to show some restraint in some area of your life. Alternatively, it suggests that your good judgment is being clouded by all the emotional turmoil and chaos.

Walking Down the street:

To dream that you are walking with ease, signifies a slow, but steady progress toward your goals. You are moving through life in a confident manner. Consider your destination. To see a street in your dream, symbolizes your life's path. The condition of the street reflects how much control you have over the direction of your life. Is there a name on the street which can offer some significance or hints to the meaning of the dream.

Leaping:

To dream that you are leaping over an object, indicates that you will eventually achieve your desires and goals after much effort and struggle. Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor for "taking a leap" or taking a chance on a new relationship or situation. You are stepping outside your comfort zone. Consider also the phrase "leap of faith".

Lost:

To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing.

Cousin:

To see your cousin in your dream, represents something or some aspect of your character that is somewhat familiar. Perhaps you need to spend more time in cultivating and developing some emerging ability or character.

Knife:

Signifies anger, aggression and/or separation. There may be something in your life that you need to cut out and get rid of. Alternatively, the knife may be symbolic of something divisive in your life. You may be attempting to cut ties or sever some relationship.

Spiderweb:

You are being held back from fully expressing yourself

Shoes:

To find shoes in your dream, suggests that you have regained your foothold on life. You are back on the right path again.

Revolver:

To see a revolver in your dream, symbolizes lingering danger. It also represents fear, anger and aggression. You are using your power to defend yourself against the fear and anger.

Andrew:

To dream of an old lover, signifies unfinished/unresolved issues related to that specific relationship.

So, that's everything. most of this are SPOT THE FUCK ON. But pieced together, it's a bit confusing. I wonder if it has something to do with the order of them happening. Each step leads to a new feeling...each symbol is the order in which they will/are/have been happening?

Tell me what you think??

Also, if you find anymore interpretations that I missed (maybe it will fill in some gaps) please just comment me and let me know about 'em.

So the same, but very different.

Sigh........

Today, I did something that I haven't done in years. And I KNOW I say that I will do it over and over and over, but I feel as though I may have made a step forward with this.

I have an addiction. Nicotine is this horrible substance. I'm not sure what it does, I mean ;I can gather EXACTLY what it does, but I'd like to claim ignorance..lol

I have been smoking habitualy over the course of 5 years EVERY weekend.

I have attempted to beat the habit by saying that I am not going to "blahblahblah" cuz that's pretty much what it is...just BLAH.

I would stop smoking during the week, but once the weekend came and drinknig began, Franky would buy a pack of cigarettes and get to tokin!

But this week, I didn't smoke at all....well, not since monday. So as of this point, it has been 6 days PLUS a drinking night without smoking.

I didn't know what to do during drinks. I didn't know what conversation I would have, or how I would pass the time during bad music. I didn't know what to do with my hands. It was a HUGE thought process..lol

So as of this point (3 in the a.m.) I am thinking, I don't stink like an ashtray, and there is no thick coat of BLEH on my tongue.

So, if I can make it tomorrow I will have about 6 days under my belt.

If I can make it to Friday, PLEASE WATCH OUT!!! I'm pretty sure that I'll be having a bitchfest of withdrawls.

But for my 30th Birthday, I am giving myself something back...A few years of health. A bit of longevity. A chance to live and see if I will ever get those kids I want or the house I want, or to see my family and friends live as long as I do...I want to grow old with people, so I'm giving myself back a part of my life.

No more Mutant..I mean, no more cigarettes...lol

Gee Whiz

It's COMPLETELY rare when I find something that makes me smile just thinking about it.

AND like most of those things, I play or use them to death.

My latest hobby has been to find more things like these. So late at night when I should be sleeping, I surf the net looking for fun and interesting things to do or see.

Now, some of you foo's don't know this, but I like SOME Jpop. NOT ALL OFF IT, just some stuff (Mostly by Utada Hikaru..but her stuff is more serious and emotional. Her voice is like an angel some times. If you haven't heard Passion Piano Version Live, Youtube it. IT'S AMAZING!!) and this little Gem is something that I have already added to my Ipod playlist.

The song is call "Gee" it's by the Japense girl group "Girls Generation (SNSD)"

I have already begun recruiting for the recreation of this video at the mall, BUT BETTER!!! and with an all guys cast; sportin tha DC hat tipped to the side, in some S Formula shorts, white kicks, 2Xist wife beaters and SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF MACYS!! lol...its gonna be GANGSTA.

Back To Basics

From the start of my day, to the end of my night, things have been the same for too long.

For the past couple of days, I've decided to take things back to when time wasn't so rapidly passing by with repitition. This is always a difficult understanding and transition to come to.

There are times right now...when I feel so alone. When I want to scream at the top of my lungs just to hear the echo answer back.

There are other times when being alone fits just so perfectly.

I've decided to change things, yet again but this time only to get a better understanding of myself as an individual. Everything that I have surrounded myself with has been something that I have EXTREMELY depended on to make my day feel a little bit more like I mattered. It was a drug that made me feel important, only to wear off at the end of the day and make me feel like I needed more.

So here I am. For a while...trying to kick the habits. Day 4 on this and I find myself with the itch to return to them...but I am a fighter! That is one thing that can never change. If I want something I will have it.

I feel like it's time to clean up my act and glue the pieces back together. I have my laughter, my tears, my sadness and happiness, my friends, my family, my job, my home...all to be thankful for.

My life is pretty much together, there is nothing in this world that I should be complaining about. There are worse things out there in life that are bigger than my problems...

It's like momma always said "Some one out there has it harder than you"...

And so with that there are things that I can let go of for a while, so that MY things aren't hard.

I'm going to shed that last layer of skin, cry that last tear, and be born again....I need to remember what was easy and helped me progress. I am only a hinderance to myself and I need to stop being that. It's time to go back to being the best person I can be.

Blood Stone Vengeance Curse

It's been a few weeks since I wrote anything here. It's rare when the feeling to write overwhelms me. Today though, something is strangely different.

I am uncontrollably happy.

I can't help it...I don't want to. I woke up feeling spectacular despite everything that is and has been going wrong.

The only reason I can think that I could have all this energy and glow the way I am today, is if someone placed a blood stone vengeance curse on me (if you don't know...look it up...lol)

My best friend has been gone for almost a week. (kind of unbareable and boring...lol)

Circuit City AND Ballys overdrafted my account... (but they will have the money back in my account before weeks end)

It's been cold and rainy. (I hate the rain cuz I'm stuck inside and the cold has made my house a meat locker)

Some people weren't completely happy with the company dinner I put together. (I planned for enough people to eat...and OVER DID it a lil)

But this morning...none of that mattered. I wanted to dance and sing and smile and joke.

I walked to work with a smile on my face...I walked home with a smile on my face.

I was completely polite to everyone. I had every amount of patience for each and every question asked.

I think ....I'm pretty sure...that for christmas. I got a feeling of what it was like to live in heaven.

And these are all the wonderful things that have been making the euphoria even better:

I got Brandy's Cd for christmas. I can not stop listening to this CD back to back ( I feel like a little kid who just got a Disney movie for the first time and wants to watch it ALL day EVERY day.)

Current Ipod Playlist:

Brandy: Warm it Up (with Love)

*I have no idea why this song is so wonderful to me right now*

Piano Man

Porcelain Doll

Should I Go

Right Here (Departed)

Camouflage

Doesn't Really Matter

A Capella

*I am told that there are two of these songs that didn't make it to her album, but they are some of the best music I've heard in a long time*

Chris Brown: SuperHuman:
*oh man...OOOOH MAN is there any fukin sort of inspiration that his voice does not invoke?*

Britney Spears: Unusual You

*There is something quite haunting but beautiful about this song. It's a sweet tone for her and it makes me feel like she is in touch with he femininity and not so much her slutty..lol*

Jordin Sparks: One Step at a Time
*Could there be any other perfect way to say something to someone?? Or to even take a perspective on life. It's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen*

Today I am positively expressive. I just wanted to capture this moment. This bliss.

So I'm going to try and take this day for everything that it's worth. I am going to use every amount of positive energy to affect everything that comes in contact with me.

I am so happy today

Thankful

Today is a very special day to me.

Things in my life have come and gone, but somethings remain consistent.

You already know that I am and have gone through changes up till this point. And it seems that THAT process is never ending.

It's like a wise man once told me "Change is the only constant"

With all the new and wonderful things that I have seen in my life, I just had to share them and let you know that I am thankful for everything that you have given me.

This far, in the life that is JUST ME, I have met some truly amazing people. Things and aspects of my life are a bit different thanks to: The Artist, The Musician, The Chef, The Singer, The Slacker, The Poet, The Educator, The Doctor, and The Researcher.

Even though it may seem that you could not provide me with anything, you have changed my mind, opened my eyes, eased my heart, helped me to listen, and touched my soul. These are things that, however small, I appreciate and am thankful for:

Andrew: There are not enough words in all the worlds to describe what you have given me. Not enough languages to describe how I feel. Not enough places to go to show you. I thank God every moment of my life for your presence.

Erika: You are my sunshine. You make me laugh when I'm not supposed to. You have listened and given me a family and a place to rest my head. You are great to me, thank you.

Gloria: Well, you're Erika's sister...YOU should be thankful for that...hahahahaha Seriously, You are an amazing person with the world at your fingertips. you have given me a friendship like no one else. You make me feel like family. Thank you.

Ro: You are my greatest and most dearest friend. You have always been there even when I haven't. You have listened and helped steer me down the right path. We have gone through ups and downs but my love for you never falters. I appreciate you walking with me on this journey. Thank you.

Richard: You are my best guy friend in the whole world. I wouldn't have the confidence to be strong or to move forward with my life it wasn't for you. You have inspired me tremendously. You are the most amazing man. Thank you

Nancy: You and Richard compliment each other so well. Knowing you and you being by my side through the toughest of times has been something that I will never forget. You guys are my hope. The only married people I know where it works. Thank you.

Sonia: My crazy lil Vegan...did you know that you are the FIRST person to introduce me to a world that I had no idea about? You helped me see things in a different light. And get an understanding for the way SOME things work. I appreciate everything you have done for me in the past year. And when I get the opportunity, I will return the favor. Thank you.

Jay: My bestest Gay in the whole gay universe (cuz you know the gay universe is better than the straight one...lol) You have been so valuable to me. Helped me be free and learn to enjoy being gay. Your friendship is amazing and like no other. I wish someone would find you, because you are such a gem. I thank you for listening to me...so very much. I thank you for that day papa...that ONE day where my world came crashing down. Gracias.

Aaron: My secret keeper. Thanks for putting up with my bullshit. You have given me so much of your time and energy. You helped be my crutch when i didn't feel I could walk. Showed me something that I hadn't seen in a long time and put little pieces of Franky back together. Thanks for the "slap".

Miguel: My husband, I remember seeing you and saying "I'm gonna marry that guy". Never in my whole life did I ever think that we would sit down and eat and talk about how our lives are going. It is special just to do that. Thank you for listening. Thank you for letting me be an ear.

Amber Lynn: the first girl and only girl I ever loved. I miss you mamas, and even though I never call or text. You will always be here inside. I am amazingly happy for your new life and your baby girl. You have always been wonderful and an inspiration. Thank you.

Rikardo: Cap'n..well, you make me laugh and smile. I don't know many people who can do that on a constant basis. I am glad to have known you this year. I have never met someone with so many things in common. I appreciate the nickname AND never backing down from my constant Verbal MvC2 beat downs...(one day I'm gonna show you how true they are..lol) Thank you.

Pete: Pedro..you are awesome. So every awesome. You make me smile every time I see your texts. You didn't have to talk to me, but you did. I appreciate that you have always been Pete and never changed. I hope that one day, I can do the same for you. Thank You.

Matteo: Man...I can't really describe how I feel now after that talk we had. There was such clarity and understanding. I never knew you felt that way or understood so much. Thank you for your wisdom. Thank you for your point of view. Thank you for being so much Matt. You don't know how much you KNOWING means to me.

Jaimito: You amaze me Jaime. I didn't know what to expect when we first starting talking. But you hit me like lighting the first time (yeah yeah...the eyes and smile a has a lot to do with it..lol) I have learned not to judge people based on appearances cuz your outside doesn't nearly reflect all the good inside. Thank you (don't forget, I'm going down there to carry you around town on muh back..lol)

Jorge: You don't know how much of my life you gave to me. It's because of you that I was able to move some place closer. It's one less thing on my mind to worry about. You couldn't possibly understand how much it means to me to have a friend like you. You are unbelievable and I wish nothing but the best for you and Ana. Thank you Roomy!

Rodrigo: The way you see the world astounds me. The vibrant life and color around you is what you use to change the way that people see things. Through your point of view. It's clearly something that has had an effect on how I see things too. Thanks for the chats...You continue to make me speechless.

Sergio: You have made me see things in a different light. Questions that I never thought to ask myself, things I never trusted, ways that things should go. You really helped me to be more observant of these things. And I am thankful for the truths I have.

Edgar: We have known each other for a while, but never really as good till now. I am thankful for your patience. You really helped make that day better and a lot of days up until now good too. I admire how strong you are right now, and I appreciate you letting me be here for you. Thank you so very much for everything you have taught me thus far. And when RUDY is better, I will thank God him for being so good and wonderful to you. You are both in my prayers every night.

Manny: Your innocence and charm inspire me. The way you write. The way you talk. The things you have shown me have brought tears to my eyes. Things in my life have changed so very much but it seems like you have been here for so long. You get a lot of what I'm trying to say because I can see it in your writing. Thank you for your thoughts.

Jai: You helped me learn a lot about the things I never knew. I had always felt like there were things missing. Things I was ignorant about. But you made me feel at home. You made me feel like those pieces I had searched for all this time were always there. That there was nothing too far out of reach, I just needed to LOOK in the right places. Thank you so much.

Julio and Alex: You guys inspire me so much. You have given me the hope of something greater than just myself. No two people on this whole planet deserve each other more. The things you have accomplished in your lives, the gift of your love to so many people, the smiles and warmth that you have always shown me truly gives me hope in people. Give me hope in the world. Just knowing you guys makes me happy. The greatest gift that anyone could have, is just being able to be a part of your lives. Thank you for so many wonderful memories. Both of you. You two are MY hope.

There is so much beauty in the world. So many things that we forget to look at or see because we are too busy going through the motions of our daily lives.

The simplest things can bring joy to an entire world who has nothing.

But we here, have so many things and everyday that goes by we seem to be unhappy.

I am thankful that I have the opportunity to know such amazing and influential people. Knowing you all...those are my simplest joys. I see everyday all that you mean to me.

Life is so exciting and vibrant with such a kaleidoscope of people, I couldn't be happier have them all be part of something so ever changing.


Thank you guys so very much for being my constants.


I appreciate you all more than I could ever say.

Day One

Last night...I had to do something that I hadn't needed to do in a long time.

I had to let something go.

This was the most terrifying thing that I have ever had to do (considering that it is the month of October...I can see it fitting)...

Right now, I am completely afraid and frightened at what I am going to feel and DISCOVER that I feel.

Last night, I had to set something free that I was holding on to because it made me feel a little more safe.

I had to let him be him...without me, and I like wise would do the same.

I had the time to think of how I wasn't me anymore...the person on the inside was lost.

I need to find my way without anyone else.

I came to find that I was completely reliant on the company of other people to keep me happy.

I was diving in to work to be someone that is NOT me at all. At work, there is a person void of the complete "Franky package" because some of the people around me, are NOT my friends....just co workers. I don't have to feel or INVOLVE my feelings in anything that I need to do at work, I just DO. (but I've already said that)

So, as I was sitting there watching the most horrible movie I have seen this year (which kind of sucks because my track record for the year was pretty great with movies...but you can't win them all I suppose) I realized...or rather, was brought to realize that: even though I hadn't expected anything from this movie...I was still dissapointed.

Andrew actually brought this to my attention when we both griped over how the movie had no plot, went no where, it wasn't explained what happened to Mila Kunis, why were demons involved, everytime they were about to explain something...a character got killed, Lobo LOOKED cool...but was not the greatest Midboss (Disgaea you slay me...lol) and why n the hell was Nelly Furtado in the movie??!?!

So, I guess I understood...

And I didn't want him to expect anything from me...I didn't want him to hang on to something that I wasn't sure I was going to give him.

But I knew that, even if he didn't expect anything from me...he could still be dissapointed.

My path is chosen...I am letting go of that which was...I am letting go of my past.

Getting over the pain and the hurt...

It was time for both of us to do that.

I still love him...I always will, but for now I need to love myself. And he does too...

So this is day one....Day one of me, just being Franky.

Lost

"Heart don't fail me now
Courage don't desert me,
Don't turn back now that we're here.

People always say,
Life is full of choices,
No one ever mentions fear.

Or how a road can seem so long,
How a world can see so vast,
Courage see me through,
Heart I'm trusting you,
On this journey..."

-Aaliyah

Things have been changing for me ever so slowly, but they have been changing.

I thought that I had found myself this beautiful, amazing person who had no fear or doubt in the world. I was whole and complete.

This is not the case recently.

I've found myself, or rather.....LOST myself.

I don't know who or what I am right now. I have a new home, with new friends, new responsibilities and I feel like I have to find new ways to be happy.

As days go by, I am here in my new apartment by myself. It's not very much different from my old place (ALOT bigger by far) I have a room mate (I don't really see much of him) A new room, (no bed yet but I'm working on it) ...everything about this place is new...but it doesn't feel like HOME yet. It feels like a place to come and rest my head. To sleep....to watch tv...but I can't say that I completely feel comfortable here.

There is no sun light or warmth in here...

But a friend told me that it's a transition. Before, WAY before...I was independent like this. I knew what it was like to be me and DO me. But then years passed and I forgot what it was like to be that way. I knew that I didn't want to be alone so I wasn't...EVER. I was always in long relationships trying to make things work. Some were good, others bad....ONE was great. And that's the LAST thing that I knew.

This right here, is me...just me...but gosh I feel so lost. I don't know how to do any of this.

My thought and emotions are all over the place.

One day I am so completely happy, and the next I just don't want to deal with anyone at all.

But I push forward cuz I don't want to go to that dark place again. Because this time, there won't be any one to snap me out of it.

(But I'm pretty sure that, since I am aware of it...I don't have to worry about that...lol)

The only time right now that I feel completely without emotional baggage is when I'm at work. I don't have to think or feel...i just DO.

I don't have to worry about what anyone is going to think or say, cuz I make the rules. I tell people what to do and give them direction. I AM my purpose there. I know what I need to do to get things done and do it...no questions asked. My mind is in a constant idea. Always thinking of something to do to progress and get better.

How can two things so similar, be so different?

I want to be like I am at work. I want to be focused and in charge.

It sounds completely simple, I KNOW. But it's not the reality, it's two completely different beasts.

My passions are lost at my new place...my time is spent in front of the TV gorging on some kind of fattening food product (but for some reason I can NOT seem to keep on at least 160...stupid genetics...lol)

I haven't even found the want to go to the gym *GASP* ( I know, I know...such heresy...lol)

But then again, maybe that's IT...maybe because everything is just so much easier, I don't want it.

I live 3 minutes from my job, 15 minutes from my club, and 30 minutes from my gym...and those estimated times are when I walk!

I don't have to worry about money or travel...I can pretty much buy anything I want now...life should, in theory, be good....

Then I don't understand how I can be so...undecided and misplaced about things....

???

I don't know...all I can do is move forward again.

I have to find out who I am as an individual. Alone. By myself. Just Franky...

It's difficult...everyday I am home is so completely difficult. Not in an awful sort of way either. More in an I don't know what I should be doing right now.

I guess what I'm hoping for right now...is to walk this new road, (that I walk with my Ipod FULLY CHARGED and that never wastes battery) and find myself at the end again.

The Future

All of us tend to look at our challenges from inside a box. We take what we've done in the past and put it in front of ours eyes and then try to envision what we call the "future". But that restricts our future. With that restricted view, the best the future can be is a "new and better past". Great motivational energy occurs when we get out the box and assume that possibilities from creative ideas are infinite. To realize the best possible future for yourself, don't look at it through a box containing your own past.

Closure

For the life of me, I could never truly understand this word.

Everytime in my life that I have ever truly needed it, I turned away or never really faced it. You can call it cowardace, cuz I am more than sure that is what it was.

Yesterday....yesterday was supposed to be my 5 year anniversary. I had planned for that day from the very first moment I met Andrew. I was going to go back to the very beginning. I would go to where we first sat and talked, the place I first fell in love, the place we first ate....and the place where we first became soul mates.

Coincidentally, all those places (save for the eating place) where all the same place. I wanted to go back to the place where my life would change and see what what made that place so magical.

So...I went...Andrew and I...we met there...

But different people this time.

It's been hard lately...being this different person. Trying to live this life without something that was so familiar.

But I manage.

We met there....and things were still the same, with the exception that we are no longer together...I've wondered, how it would sound to say that out loud. Cuz I've never really said "we aren't together anymore"...I say, we aren't seeing eachother, or we still hang out...but nothing quite definitive as we aren't together anymore.

It brings tears, just a bit...ya know.

This night was still and calm, conversation was wonderful as always. The rapport we share on that level is something that no one will ever be able to attain. On his level or mine. Conversationally, we are Supreme Beings! Play on words, quips, condescending and self indulgient remarks are something that him and I only get...There are things that only we will ever understand because we are so intuned...

Makes me wonder where we went wrong, if it was REALLY too much to deal with.

But I am here, at a point where I understand all things happen for a reason. I have always been a firm believer in fate. It guides and moves us. Everything has an outcome and it really couldn't have happened any other way.

Andrew and I are no longer a couple. We have shared and experienced things that no other couple in the world could ever.

But what we share now...is an idea of a journey. Not together, of course. But we will and do cross paths along it. And sometimes, I am more than positive that we will walk together for a while.

I can see that, because of Andrew...I am a greater man. And he as well. We both have reason for discovering how we are as Individuals.

I think that we mostly became side tracked on the individual goals that we had set for one another. Things that we wanted JUST for ourselves.

Now we have this opportunity. I get to find out, just how much I really am who I say I am. Of course there will be some fine tuning, but I am left with a great foundation to keep growing into someone better.

What ever flaw or mistake that I have, I will fix. I will conquer and be better for it.

I love andrew.....I have no problem saying it. He will continue to be in my life.

I hurt over this...my heart aches for something that i knew for so long. But I know that this journey is taking place because it needs to. For me, my next relationship, or maybe......

What ever the circumstance, i need to perfect it so that eventually, I'll get it right.

So as of this blog...this moment right now. I feel closure...every thing has come full circle. I feel like I understand MORE than I have ever understood before. I feel that my life and my dreams are still mine...and it's up to me to make them come true. And although I'm not ready for the next step of inviting anyone in to my life...i will not stop living life.

I have this feeling that washed over me today. It was me being semi intact. Calm...not scared or afraid of much. Just READY....clarity....focus...

Thank you very much for what you have left me with....you are the greatest person a guy could ever know.

It's Been a While...

For a minute, my thoughts have not been exactly my own.

I've had so many different thoughts and reasons to want to write a blog, but when I would sit down in front of the computer...everything would come crashing in.

Nothing really made sense, some things still don't.

I'm not sure how I was actually able to filter this one thought out...but today it was clear. I tried to hold on to it for as long as I could because frankly, it was putting a ridiculous smile on my face.

So let me get to the point:

All my life I have been taught to LIKE who I am and never be ashamed of my lifestyle or upbringing.

Today however, I really didn't like who I was. I thought about how many reasons WHY i hated something this week...

and they are as follows:

1. I hate being gay because, when I smell a man's cologne...it's intoxicating. I fumble with words and indulge a bit in that smell.

2. I hate that I can't say anything about how great a man smells. People come in to my work EVERYDAY smelling SOOOOOO wonderful. And I COULD say "hey man you smell great!" but how man guys tell OTHER guys something like that.

3. I hate that Scott Kaughman doesn't even know I exist...lol We live in a time when, if another guy says "hey, you wanna go for a drink" it's an invitation for, well....a bit more than well, YOU KNOW...lol

4. I hate that some guy today, gave me a tip, told me what an excellent job i did, thanked me, and tried to give me a tip...to which i replied like an idiot "Oh, I can't accept tips...if you really must give me a tip, just keep coming back to the store..that's tip enough" (how stupid was that...STUPID!!)

5. I hate that as a gay man...i am a pecker checker!!! :-O I can't help it...i don't know why I do it...but I do. What if someone catches me doing it? How embarrassing that would be...LOL

6. I hate that I've never been hit on by a girl!! Now I know what you're saying, "You don't even like girls" but let's just throw that out the window for a moment. Let's just say that ONE day...i decide..."I want to get married with a woman"...It'll never happen cuz chicks don't dig the frankster. LOL

7. and the biggest thing I hated..."WHY CAN'T ALL GOOD LOOKING MEN BE GAY??!!" I mean i know it's what we typically wish for...but dammit...I want it to be real, that way all of the above can be doable....like smelling a guy, telling how good he smells, hitting on him, check him out from head to toe, jump over the counter and plant one right on the kisser....oh wait...that wasn't one of my above things...lol

Readjusted Vision

"You already filter information through sound, smell and touch...but NOW you're gonna be assaulted by a million things you never knew even existed.

It's a whole new level of confusion.

Do I look here?
Do I look there?
Is that light down there important?
Or is that dark thing moving toward me or away from me?
Is it dangerous or not?

As long as your eyes are open...there are just too many distractions.

I mean, how do you concentrate?

Because you can see, people are going to expect you to do things that you can't do...Or don't want to do

Read signs,
Notice people's gestures,
Recognize body language,
Facial expressions...or when to just get out of their way.

Your eyes will want to dominate how you perceive the world,
But you can't fully trust them...

I'm going to try and teach you to see the world the way it really is...

Some of it is going to be beautiful,
Some of it is going to be wonderful,
Most of it is going to be difficult,

But the main thing is to be prepared...."