So the same, but very different.

Sigh........

Today, I did something that I haven't done in years. And I KNOW I say that I will do it over and over and over, but I feel as though I may have made a step forward with this.

I have an addiction. Nicotine is this horrible substance. I'm not sure what it does, I mean ;I can gather EXACTLY what it does, but I'd like to claim ignorance..lol

I have been smoking habitualy over the course of 5 years EVERY weekend.

I have attempted to beat the habit by saying that I am not going to "blahblahblah" cuz that's pretty much what it is...just BLAH.

I would stop smoking during the week, but once the weekend came and drinknig began, Franky would buy a pack of cigarettes and get to tokin!

But this week, I didn't smoke at all....well, not since monday. So as of this point, it has been 6 days PLUS a drinking night without smoking.

I didn't know what to do during drinks. I didn't know what conversation I would have, or how I would pass the time during bad music. I didn't know what to do with my hands. It was a HUGE thought process..lol

So as of this point (3 in the a.m.) I am thinking, I don't stink like an ashtray, and there is no thick coat of BLEH on my tongue.

So, if I can make it tomorrow I will have about 6 days under my belt.

If I can make it to Friday, PLEASE WATCH OUT!!! I'm pretty sure that I'll be having a bitchfest of withdrawls.

But for my 30th Birthday, I am giving myself something back...A few years of health. A bit of longevity. A chance to live and see if I will ever get those kids I want or the house I want, or to see my family and friends live as long as I do...I want to grow old with people, so I'm giving myself back a part of my life.

No more Mutant..I mean, no more cigarettes...lol

Gee Whiz

It's COMPLETELY rare when I find something that makes me smile just thinking about it.

AND like most of those things, I play or use them to death.

My latest hobby has been to find more things like these. So late at night when I should be sleeping, I surf the net looking for fun and interesting things to do or see.

Now, some of you foo's don't know this, but I like SOME Jpop. NOT ALL OFF IT, just some stuff (Mostly by Utada Hikaru..but her stuff is more serious and emotional. Her voice is like an angel some times. If you haven't heard Passion Piano Version Live, Youtube it. IT'S AMAZING!!) and this little Gem is something that I have already added to my Ipod playlist.

The song is call "Gee" it's by the Japense girl group "Girls Generation (SNSD)"

I have already begun recruiting for the recreation of this video at the mall, BUT BETTER!!! and with an all guys cast; sportin tha DC hat tipped to the side, in some S Formula shorts, white kicks, 2Xist wife beaters and SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF MACYS!! lol...its gonna be GANGSTA.

Back To Basics

From the start of my day, to the end of my night, things have been the same for too long.

For the past couple of days, I've decided to take things back to when time wasn't so rapidly passing by with repitition. This is always a difficult understanding and transition to come to.

There are times right now...when I feel so alone. When I want to scream at the top of my lungs just to hear the echo answer back.

There are other times when being alone fits just so perfectly.

I've decided to change things, yet again but this time only to get a better understanding of myself as an individual. Everything that I have surrounded myself with has been something that I have EXTREMELY depended on to make my day feel a little bit more like I mattered. It was a drug that made me feel important, only to wear off at the end of the day and make me feel like I needed more.

So here I am. For a while...trying to kick the habits. Day 4 on this and I find myself with the itch to return to them...but I am a fighter! That is one thing that can never change. If I want something I will have it.

I feel like it's time to clean up my act and glue the pieces back together. I have my laughter, my tears, my sadness and happiness, my friends, my family, my job, my home...all to be thankful for.

My life is pretty much together, there is nothing in this world that I should be complaining about. There are worse things out there in life that are bigger than my problems...

It's like momma always said "Some one out there has it harder than you"...

And so with that there are things that I can let go of for a while, so that MY things aren't hard.

I'm going to shed that last layer of skin, cry that last tear, and be born again....I need to remember what was easy and helped me progress. I am only a hinderance to myself and I need to stop being that. It's time to go back to being the best person I can be.

Blood Stone Vengeance Curse

It's been a few weeks since I wrote anything here. It's rare when the feeling to write overwhelms me. Today though, something is strangely different.

I am uncontrollably happy.

I can't help it...I don't want to. I woke up feeling spectacular despite everything that is and has been going wrong.

The only reason I can think that I could have all this energy and glow the way I am today, is if someone placed a blood stone vengeance curse on me (if you don't know...look it up...lol)

My best friend has been gone for almost a week. (kind of unbareable and boring...lol)

Circuit City AND Ballys overdrafted my account... (but they will have the money back in my account before weeks end)

It's been cold and rainy. (I hate the rain cuz I'm stuck inside and the cold has made my house a meat locker)

Some people weren't completely happy with the company dinner I put together. (I planned for enough people to eat...and OVER DID it a lil)

But this morning...none of that mattered. I wanted to dance and sing and smile and joke.

I walked to work with a smile on my face...I walked home with a smile on my face.

I was completely polite to everyone. I had every amount of patience for each and every question asked.

I think ....I'm pretty sure...that for christmas. I got a feeling of what it was like to live in heaven.

And these are all the wonderful things that have been making the euphoria even better:

I got Brandy's Cd for christmas. I can not stop listening to this CD back to back ( I feel like a little kid who just got a Disney movie for the first time and wants to watch it ALL day EVERY day.)

Current Ipod Playlist:

Brandy: Warm it Up (with Love)

*I have no idea why this song is so wonderful to me right now*

Piano Man

Porcelain Doll

Should I Go

Right Here (Departed)

Camouflage

Doesn't Really Matter

A Capella

*I am told that there are two of these songs that didn't make it to her album, but they are some of the best music I've heard in a long time*

Chris Brown: SuperHuman:
*oh man...OOOOH MAN is there any fukin sort of inspiration that his voice does not invoke?*

Britney Spears: Unusual You

*There is something quite haunting but beautiful about this song. It's a sweet tone for her and it makes me feel like she is in touch with he femininity and not so much her slutty..lol*

Jordin Sparks: One Step at a Time
*Could there be any other perfect way to say something to someone?? Or to even take a perspective on life. It's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen*

Today I am positively expressive. I just wanted to capture this moment. This bliss.

So I'm going to try and take this day for everything that it's worth. I am going to use every amount of positive energy to affect everything that comes in contact with me.

I am so happy today

Thankful

Today is a very special day to me.

Things in my life have come and gone, but somethings remain consistent.

You already know that I am and have gone through changes up till this point. And it seems that THAT process is never ending.

It's like a wise man once told me "Change is the only constant"

With all the new and wonderful things that I have seen in my life, I just had to share them and let you know that I am thankful for everything that you have given me.

This far, in the life that is JUST ME, I have met some truly amazing people. Things and aspects of my life are a bit different thanks to: The Artist, The Musician, The Chef, The Singer, The Slacker, The Poet, The Educator, The Doctor, and The Researcher.

Even though it may seem that you could not provide me with anything, you have changed my mind, opened my eyes, eased my heart, helped me to listen, and touched my soul. These are things that, however small, I appreciate and am thankful for:

Andrew: There are not enough words in all the worlds to describe what you have given me. Not enough languages to describe how I feel. Not enough places to go to show you. I thank God every moment of my life for your presence.

Erika: You are my sunshine. You make me laugh when I'm not supposed to. You have listened and given me a family and a place to rest my head. You are great to me, thank you.

Gloria: Well, you're Erika's sister...YOU should be thankful for that...hahahahaha Seriously, You are an amazing person with the world at your fingertips. you have given me a friendship like no one else. You make me feel like family. Thank you.

Ro: You are my greatest and most dearest friend. You have always been there even when I haven't. You have listened and helped steer me down the right path. We have gone through ups and downs but my love for you never falters. I appreciate you walking with me on this journey. Thank you.

Richard: You are my best guy friend in the whole world. I wouldn't have the confidence to be strong or to move forward with my life it wasn't for you. You have inspired me tremendously. You are the most amazing man. Thank you

Nancy: You and Richard compliment each other so well. Knowing you and you being by my side through the toughest of times has been something that I will never forget. You guys are my hope. The only married people I know where it works. Thank you.

Sonia: My crazy lil Vegan...did you know that you are the FIRST person to introduce me to a world that I had no idea about? You helped me see things in a different light. And get an understanding for the way SOME things work. I appreciate everything you have done for me in the past year. And when I get the opportunity, I will return the favor. Thank you.

Jay: My bestest Gay in the whole gay universe (cuz you know the gay universe is better than the straight one...lol) You have been so valuable to me. Helped me be free and learn to enjoy being gay. Your friendship is amazing and like no other. I wish someone would find you, because you are such a gem. I thank you for listening to me...so very much. I thank you for that day papa...that ONE day where my world came crashing down. Gracias.

Aaron: My secret keeper. Thanks for putting up with my bullshit. You have given me so much of your time and energy. You helped be my crutch when i didn't feel I could walk. Showed me something that I hadn't seen in a long time and put little pieces of Franky back together. Thanks for the "slap".

Miguel: My husband, I remember seeing you and saying "I'm gonna marry that guy". Never in my whole life did I ever think that we would sit down and eat and talk about how our lives are going. It is special just to do that. Thank you for listening. Thank you for letting me be an ear.

Amber Lynn: the first girl and only girl I ever loved. I miss you mamas, and even though I never call or text. You will always be here inside. I am amazingly happy for your new life and your baby girl. You have always been wonderful and an inspiration. Thank you.

Rikardo: Cap'n..well, you make me laugh and smile. I don't know many people who can do that on a constant basis. I am glad to have known you this year. I have never met someone with so many things in common. I appreciate the nickname AND never backing down from my constant Verbal MvC2 beat downs...(one day I'm gonna show you how true they are..lol) Thank you.

Pete: Pedro..you are awesome. So every awesome. You make me smile every time I see your texts. You didn't have to talk to me, but you did. I appreciate that you have always been Pete and never changed. I hope that one day, I can do the same for you. Thank You.

Matteo: Man...I can't really describe how I feel now after that talk we had. There was such clarity and understanding. I never knew you felt that way or understood so much. Thank you for your wisdom. Thank you for your point of view. Thank you for being so much Matt. You don't know how much you KNOWING means to me.

Jaimito: You amaze me Jaime. I didn't know what to expect when we first starting talking. But you hit me like lighting the first time (yeah yeah...the eyes and smile a has a lot to do with it..lol) I have learned not to judge people based on appearances cuz your outside doesn't nearly reflect all the good inside. Thank you (don't forget, I'm going down there to carry you around town on muh back..lol)

Jorge: You don't know how much of my life you gave to me. It's because of you that I was able to move some place closer. It's one less thing on my mind to worry about. You couldn't possibly understand how much it means to me to have a friend like you. You are unbelievable and I wish nothing but the best for you and Ana. Thank you Roomy!

Rodrigo: The way you see the world astounds me. The vibrant life and color around you is what you use to change the way that people see things. Through your point of view. It's clearly something that has had an effect on how I see things too. Thanks for the chats...You continue to make me speechless.

Sergio: You have made me see things in a different light. Questions that I never thought to ask myself, things I never trusted, ways that things should go. You really helped me to be more observant of these things. And I am thankful for the truths I have.

Edgar: We have known each other for a while, but never really as good till now. I am thankful for your patience. You really helped make that day better and a lot of days up until now good too. I admire how strong you are right now, and I appreciate you letting me be here for you. Thank you so very much for everything you have taught me thus far. And when RUDY is better, I will thank God him for being so good and wonderful to you. You are both in my prayers every night.

Manny: Your innocence and charm inspire me. The way you write. The way you talk. The things you have shown me have brought tears to my eyes. Things in my life have changed so very much but it seems like you have been here for so long. You get a lot of what I'm trying to say because I can see it in your writing. Thank you for your thoughts.

Jai: You helped me learn a lot about the things I never knew. I had always felt like there were things missing. Things I was ignorant about. But you made me feel at home. You made me feel like those pieces I had searched for all this time were always there. That there was nothing too far out of reach, I just needed to LOOK in the right places. Thank you so much.

Julio and Alex: You guys inspire me so much. You have given me the hope of something greater than just myself. No two people on this whole planet deserve each other more. The things you have accomplished in your lives, the gift of your love to so many people, the smiles and warmth that you have always shown me truly gives me hope in people. Give me hope in the world. Just knowing you guys makes me happy. The greatest gift that anyone could have, is just being able to be a part of your lives. Thank you for so many wonderful memories. Both of you. You two are MY hope.

There is so much beauty in the world. So many things that we forget to look at or see because we are too busy going through the motions of our daily lives.

The simplest things can bring joy to an entire world who has nothing.

But we here, have so many things and everyday that goes by we seem to be unhappy.

I am thankful that I have the opportunity to know such amazing and influential people. Knowing you all...those are my simplest joys. I see everyday all that you mean to me.

Life is so exciting and vibrant with such a kaleidoscope of people, I couldn't be happier have them all be part of something so ever changing.


Thank you guys so very much for being my constants.


I appreciate you all more than I could ever say.

Day One

Last night...I had to do something that I hadn't needed to do in a long time.

I had to let something go.

This was the most terrifying thing that I have ever had to do (considering that it is the month of October...I can see it fitting)...

Right now, I am completely afraid and frightened at what I am going to feel and DISCOVER that I feel.

Last night, I had to set something free that I was holding on to because it made me feel a little more safe.

I had to let him be him...without me, and I like wise would do the same.

I had the time to think of how I wasn't me anymore...the person on the inside was lost.

I need to find my way without anyone else.

I came to find that I was completely reliant on the company of other people to keep me happy.

I was diving in to work to be someone that is NOT me at all. At work, there is a person void of the complete "Franky package" because some of the people around me, are NOT my friends....just co workers. I don't have to feel or INVOLVE my feelings in anything that I need to do at work, I just DO. (but I've already said that)

So, as I was sitting there watching the most horrible movie I have seen this year (which kind of sucks because my track record for the year was pretty great with movies...but you can't win them all I suppose) I realized...or rather, was brought to realize that: even though I hadn't expected anything from this movie...I was still dissapointed.

Andrew actually brought this to my attention when we both griped over how the movie had no plot, went no where, it wasn't explained what happened to Mila Kunis, why were demons involved, everytime they were about to explain something...a character got killed, Lobo LOOKED cool...but was not the greatest Midboss (Disgaea you slay me...lol) and why n the hell was Nelly Furtado in the movie??!?!

So, I guess I understood...

And I didn't want him to expect anything from me...I didn't want him to hang on to something that I wasn't sure I was going to give him.

But I knew that, even if he didn't expect anything from me...he could still be dissapointed.

My path is chosen...I am letting go of that which was...I am letting go of my past.

Getting over the pain and the hurt...

It was time for both of us to do that.

I still love him...I always will, but for now I need to love myself. And he does too...

So this is day one....Day one of me, just being Franky.

Lost

"Heart don't fail me now
Courage don't desert me,
Don't turn back now that we're here.

People always say,
Life is full of choices,
No one ever mentions fear.

Or how a road can seem so long,
How a world can see so vast,
Courage see me through,
Heart I'm trusting you,
On this journey..."

-Aaliyah

Things have been changing for me ever so slowly, but they have been changing.

I thought that I had found myself this beautiful, amazing person who had no fear or doubt in the world. I was whole and complete.

This is not the case recently.

I've found myself, or rather.....LOST myself.

I don't know who or what I am right now. I have a new home, with new friends, new responsibilities and I feel like I have to find new ways to be happy.

As days go by, I am here in my new apartment by myself. It's not very much different from my old place (ALOT bigger by far) I have a room mate (I don't really see much of him) A new room, (no bed yet but I'm working on it) ...everything about this place is new...but it doesn't feel like HOME yet. It feels like a place to come and rest my head. To sleep....to watch tv...but I can't say that I completely feel comfortable here.

There is no sun light or warmth in here...

But a friend told me that it's a transition. Before, WAY before...I was independent like this. I knew what it was like to be me and DO me. But then years passed and I forgot what it was like to be that way. I knew that I didn't want to be alone so I wasn't...EVER. I was always in long relationships trying to make things work. Some were good, others bad....ONE was great. And that's the LAST thing that I knew.

This right here, is me...just me...but gosh I feel so lost. I don't know how to do any of this.

My thought and emotions are all over the place.

One day I am so completely happy, and the next I just don't want to deal with anyone at all.

But I push forward cuz I don't want to go to that dark place again. Because this time, there won't be any one to snap me out of it.

(But I'm pretty sure that, since I am aware of it...I don't have to worry about that...lol)

The only time right now that I feel completely without emotional baggage is when I'm at work. I don't have to think or feel...i just DO.

I don't have to worry about what anyone is going to think or say, cuz I make the rules. I tell people what to do and give them direction. I AM my purpose there. I know what I need to do to get things done and do it...no questions asked. My mind is in a constant idea. Always thinking of something to do to progress and get better.

How can two things so similar, be so different?

I want to be like I am at work. I want to be focused and in charge.

It sounds completely simple, I KNOW. But it's not the reality, it's two completely different beasts.

My passions are lost at my new place...my time is spent in front of the TV gorging on some kind of fattening food product (but for some reason I can NOT seem to keep on at least 160...stupid genetics...lol)

I haven't even found the want to go to the gym *GASP* ( I know, I know...such heresy...lol)

But then again, maybe that's IT...maybe because everything is just so much easier, I don't want it.

I live 3 minutes from my job, 15 minutes from my club, and 30 minutes from my gym...and those estimated times are when I walk!

I don't have to worry about money or travel...I can pretty much buy anything I want now...life should, in theory, be good....

Then I don't understand how I can be so...undecided and misplaced about things....

???

I don't know...all I can do is move forward again.

I have to find out who I am as an individual. Alone. By myself. Just Franky...

It's difficult...everyday I am home is so completely difficult. Not in an awful sort of way either. More in an I don't know what I should be doing right now.

I guess what I'm hoping for right now...is to walk this new road, (that I walk with my Ipod FULLY CHARGED and that never wastes battery) and find myself at the end again.