Who does that???!!

I was walking home from work today when this red car flies by. I look back because I thought the driver was going kinda fast in an area that says "25 mph" and I remember seeing a woman with a baby at the crosswalk where the car was zooming to.

I see in the car a pretty hot looking cholo.

Light skinned, bald head, tattoos on his shoulders, mustache, white wife beater...Kinda not what you'd expect to be doing the following.

He busts a U Turn and stops his car in the parking area.....and I hear him yelling. "Hey!....In the hat!...come here! HEY!!"

I don't turn around because, this is East LA....who knows whats gonna happen.

I pretend to be texting and he rolls by...."EY...I wanna talk to you papa"

My stomach dropped.

Was this dude really talking to me? Trying to get at me in broad daylight? DID HE JUST CALL ME PAPA?!?!?

I get a call from my boo at the exact moment I am about to cross the street. The red car is about to make a right...I hear him say, "dayum papa...I coulda got all up in that. Be careful and look both ways before you cross the street" and blew me a kiss.

He speeds off and honks....

I think I'll masterbate about the "What If" now...LOL

My Dream

Today when I got home from work, I took a nap. I slept for about 4 hours. Normally, I wouldn't take so long of a nap so when I woke up and saw the time, I felt there was a HUGE significance about the things I could remember from my dream.

Just for your 411, in EVERY DREAM since I was a little boy, in my dreams, I could fly and had super human strength (and everyone knows that with super human strength comes invlunverability...lol It's just the way my mind works)

But not in this dream.

I wasn't weak or frail, I was just a normal person.

What I'm gong to do in this blog is tell you how it went...and then the symbolizm behind the things that I can remember. I haven't been dreaming so vividly lately, so this dream really kinda startled me.

In my dream I am walking down Whittier Blvd, in the city of La Habra. I walk in to a 7/11 and buy a cherry cheesecake danish. I am talking on the phone at first, but I can't really make out who I'm talking to...I just know that I am happy talking to this person.

The night is alive with cars, parties and people. It's very remiscent of the strip in Vegas.

I remember the streets being packed with people. I hang up the phone as I start walking towards an area that seems familiar to me, but I know that I am trying to make it home. I put on my Ipod and start walking. I start dancing and singing because I'm having a great time just being around these people with their energy. These two black dudes walk up to me and tell me that it looks like i'm having a great time, and they point me in the direction of this party that looks like it would be fun for it to last forever. I head that way, but then I realize that I'm carrying my shoes and I'm walking barefoot. At that point I turn back to walk in the direction that feels familiar...but I'm lost now. The way that I came is now a HUGE 30 foot gap of street with cars whistling by. (Now remember, in my dreams in my dreams I can fly) So, like I would do in every other dream. I look to the sky and try to take off....but I don't. Instead, I sort of LEAP over to the other size of this gap, but barely make it. I fall forward chest first and hit the ground. It hurt.

I pull out my phone because even though I made the gap...none of this looks the same. I call the one person who said I can always count on. He says he'll come pick me up.

So I run..I run past all the parties and the cars. I run past everything that I had traversed in the first place. He is on the phone with me and says "I'll pick you up at the old Pizza Parlor" so I turn to the other side and see the pizza parlor. It's run down and derelict, but there is a house and a parking area in the back. So I go to the house and open the door. A cousin, (who is a hybrid of my Uncle Ray and My Nina) is laying on a bed in a very small room, wearing a FedEx Uniform. He jumps up to grab a knife, but then realizes it's me and apologizes (knife in hand) I tell him that I thought Andrew was in there. But then Andrew flashes his lights and I see he's been outside.

I walk out and get caught in this enormous spiderweb. I can feel how sticky it is and how difficult it's become to move. But after a few tugs, I manage to get free. I see my shoes on the floor and I pick them up. I get in Andrews car and he tells me he needs to be home by 11pm. He met a guy and he promised he'd meet him then....as we drive, I notice a man with several guns in his car. ONE in particular is a small black revolver, that he is kissing lovingly.

Just as Andrew is about to tell me something very important, the man aims the gun at us and pulls the trigger. The sound of the firearm wakes me up.

This is what I've pieced together from my dream:

I went to go buy a cherry cheese danish because I had purchased some earlier and I forgot to eat them. I had been wanting one for a few days. (It was a sign of giving in to cravings...I'm trying to quit smoking)

Cell Phone:

To see or use a cell phone in your dream, indicates that you are being receptive to new information. It also represents your mobility.

The nightlife that i can ONLY compare to Vegas means:

To dream that you are in Las Vegas, refers to excess and overindulgence. You need to show some restraint in some area of your life. Alternatively, it suggests that your good judgment is being clouded by all the emotional turmoil and chaos.

Walking Down the street:

To dream that you are walking with ease, signifies a slow, but steady progress toward your goals. You are moving through life in a confident manner. Consider your destination. To see a street in your dream, symbolizes your life's path. The condition of the street reflects how much control you have over the direction of your life. Is there a name on the street which can offer some significance or hints to the meaning of the dream.

Leaping:

To dream that you are leaping over an object, indicates that you will eventually achieve your desires and goals after much effort and struggle. Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor for "taking a leap" or taking a chance on a new relationship or situation. You are stepping outside your comfort zone. Consider also the phrase "leap of faith".

Lost:

To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing.

Cousin:

To see your cousin in your dream, represents something or some aspect of your character that is somewhat familiar. Perhaps you need to spend more time in cultivating and developing some emerging ability or character.

Knife:

Signifies anger, aggression and/or separation. There may be something in your life that you need to cut out and get rid of. Alternatively, the knife may be symbolic of something divisive in your life. You may be attempting to cut ties or sever some relationship.

Spiderweb:

You are being held back from fully expressing yourself

Shoes:

To find shoes in your dream, suggests that you have regained your foothold on life. You are back on the right path again.

Revolver:

To see a revolver in your dream, symbolizes lingering danger. It also represents fear, anger and aggression. You are using your power to defend yourself against the fear and anger.

Andrew:

To dream of an old lover, signifies unfinished/unresolved issues related to that specific relationship.

So, that's everything. most of this are SPOT THE FUCK ON. But pieced together, it's a bit confusing. I wonder if it has something to do with the order of them happening. Each step leads to a new feeling...each symbol is the order in which they will/are/have been happening?

Tell me what you think??

Also, if you find anymore interpretations that I missed (maybe it will fill in some gaps) please just comment me and let me know about 'em.

So the same, but very different.

Sigh........

Today, I did something that I haven't done in years. And I KNOW I say that I will do it over and over and over, but I feel as though I may have made a step forward with this.

I have an addiction. Nicotine is this horrible substance. I'm not sure what it does, I mean ;I can gather EXACTLY what it does, but I'd like to claim ignorance..lol

I have been smoking habitualy over the course of 5 years EVERY weekend.

I have attempted to beat the habit by saying that I am not going to "blahblahblah" cuz that's pretty much what it is...just BLAH.

I would stop smoking during the week, but once the weekend came and drinknig began, Franky would buy a pack of cigarettes and get to tokin!

But this week, I didn't smoke at all....well, not since monday. So as of this point, it has been 6 days PLUS a drinking night without smoking.

I didn't know what to do during drinks. I didn't know what conversation I would have, or how I would pass the time during bad music. I didn't know what to do with my hands. It was a HUGE thought process..lol

So as of this point (3 in the a.m.) I am thinking, I don't stink like an ashtray, and there is no thick coat of BLEH on my tongue.

So, if I can make it tomorrow I will have about 6 days under my belt.

If I can make it to Friday, PLEASE WATCH OUT!!! I'm pretty sure that I'll be having a bitchfest of withdrawls.

But for my 30th Birthday, I am giving myself something back...A few years of health. A bit of longevity. A chance to live and see if I will ever get those kids I want or the house I want, or to see my family and friends live as long as I do...I want to grow old with people, so I'm giving myself back a part of my life.

No more Mutant..I mean, no more cigarettes...lol

Gee Whiz

It's COMPLETELY rare when I find something that makes me smile just thinking about it.

AND like most of those things, I play or use them to death.

My latest hobby has been to find more things like these. So late at night when I should be sleeping, I surf the net looking for fun and interesting things to do or see.

Now, some of you foo's don't know this, but I like SOME Jpop. NOT ALL OFF IT, just some stuff (Mostly by Utada Hikaru..but her stuff is more serious and emotional. Her voice is like an angel some times. If you haven't heard Passion Piano Version Live, Youtube it. IT'S AMAZING!!) and this little Gem is something that I have already added to my Ipod playlist.

The song is call "Gee" it's by the Japense girl group "Girls Generation (SNSD)"

I have already begun recruiting for the recreation of this video at the mall, BUT BETTER!!! and with an all guys cast; sportin tha DC hat tipped to the side, in some S Formula shorts, white kicks, 2Xist wife beaters and SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF MACYS!! lol...its gonna be GANGSTA.

Back To Basics

From the start of my day, to the end of my night, things have been the same for too long.

For the past couple of days, I've decided to take things back to when time wasn't so rapidly passing by with repitition. This is always a difficult understanding and transition to come to.

There are times right now...when I feel so alone. When I want to scream at the top of my lungs just to hear the echo answer back.

There are other times when being alone fits just so perfectly.

I've decided to change things, yet again but this time only to get a better understanding of myself as an individual. Everything that I have surrounded myself with has been something that I have EXTREMELY depended on to make my day feel a little bit more like I mattered. It was a drug that made me feel important, only to wear off at the end of the day and make me feel like I needed more.

So here I am. For a while...trying to kick the habits. Day 4 on this and I find myself with the itch to return to them...but I am a fighter! That is one thing that can never change. If I want something I will have it.

I feel like it's time to clean up my act and glue the pieces back together. I have my laughter, my tears, my sadness and happiness, my friends, my family, my job, my home...all to be thankful for.

My life is pretty much together, there is nothing in this world that I should be complaining about. There are worse things out there in life that are bigger than my problems...

It's like momma always said "Some one out there has it harder than you"...

And so with that there are things that I can let go of for a while, so that MY things aren't hard.

I'm going to shed that last layer of skin, cry that last tear, and be born again....I need to remember what was easy and helped me progress. I am only a hinderance to myself and I need to stop being that. It's time to go back to being the best person I can be.

Blood Stone Vengeance Curse

It's been a few weeks since I wrote anything here. It's rare when the feeling to write overwhelms me. Today though, something is strangely different.

I am uncontrollably happy.

I can't help it...I don't want to. I woke up feeling spectacular despite everything that is and has been going wrong.

The only reason I can think that I could have all this energy and glow the way I am today, is if someone placed a blood stone vengeance curse on me (if you don't know...look it up...lol)

My best friend has been gone for almost a week. (kind of unbareable and boring...lol)

Circuit City AND Ballys overdrafted my account... (but they will have the money back in my account before weeks end)

It's been cold and rainy. (I hate the rain cuz I'm stuck inside and the cold has made my house a meat locker)

Some people weren't completely happy with the company dinner I put together. (I planned for enough people to eat...and OVER DID it a lil)

But this morning...none of that mattered. I wanted to dance and sing and smile and joke.

I walked to work with a smile on my face...I walked home with a smile on my face.

I was completely polite to everyone. I had every amount of patience for each and every question asked.

I think ....I'm pretty sure...that for christmas. I got a feeling of what it was like to live in heaven.

And these are all the wonderful things that have been making the euphoria even better:

I got Brandy's Cd for christmas. I can not stop listening to this CD back to back ( I feel like a little kid who just got a Disney movie for the first time and wants to watch it ALL day EVERY day.)

Current Ipod Playlist:

Brandy: Warm it Up (with Love)

*I have no idea why this song is so wonderful to me right now*

Piano Man

Porcelain Doll

Should I Go

Right Here (Departed)

Camouflage

Doesn't Really Matter

A Capella

*I am told that there are two of these songs that didn't make it to her album, but they are some of the best music I've heard in a long time*

Chris Brown: SuperHuman:
*oh man...OOOOH MAN is there any fukin sort of inspiration that his voice does not invoke?*

Britney Spears: Unusual You

*There is something quite haunting but beautiful about this song. It's a sweet tone for her and it makes me feel like she is in touch with he femininity and not so much her slutty..lol*

Jordin Sparks: One Step at a Time
*Could there be any other perfect way to say something to someone?? Or to even take a perspective on life. It's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen*

Today I am positively expressive. I just wanted to capture this moment. This bliss.

So I'm going to try and take this day for everything that it's worth. I am going to use every amount of positive energy to affect everything that comes in contact with me.

I am so happy today

Thankful

Today is a very special day to me.

Things in my life have come and gone, but somethings remain consistent.

You already know that I am and have gone through changes up till this point. And it seems that THAT process is never ending.

It's like a wise man once told me "Change is the only constant"

With all the new and wonderful things that I have seen in my life, I just had to share them and let you know that I am thankful for everything that you have given me.

This far, in the life that is JUST ME, I have met some truly amazing people. Things and aspects of my life are a bit different thanks to: The Artist, The Musician, The Chef, The Singer, The Slacker, The Poet, The Educator, The Doctor, and The Researcher.

Even though it may seem that you could not provide me with anything, you have changed my mind, opened my eyes, eased my heart, helped me to listen, and touched my soul. These are things that, however small, I appreciate and am thankful for:

Andrew: There are not enough words in all the worlds to describe what you have given me. Not enough languages to describe how I feel. Not enough places to go to show you. I thank God every moment of my life for your presence.

Erika: You are my sunshine. You make me laugh when I'm not supposed to. You have listened and given me a family and a place to rest my head. You are great to me, thank you.

Gloria: Well, you're Erika's sister...YOU should be thankful for that...hahahahaha Seriously, You are an amazing person with the world at your fingertips. you have given me a friendship like no one else. You make me feel like family. Thank you.

Ro: You are my greatest and most dearest friend. You have always been there even when I haven't. You have listened and helped steer me down the right path. We have gone through ups and downs but my love for you never falters. I appreciate you walking with me on this journey. Thank you.

Richard: You are my best guy friend in the whole world. I wouldn't have the confidence to be strong or to move forward with my life it wasn't for you. You have inspired me tremendously. You are the most amazing man. Thank you

Nancy: You and Richard compliment each other so well. Knowing you and you being by my side through the toughest of times has been something that I will never forget. You guys are my hope. The only married people I know where it works. Thank you.

Sonia: My crazy lil Vegan...did you know that you are the FIRST person to introduce me to a world that I had no idea about? You helped me see things in a different light. And get an understanding for the way SOME things work. I appreciate everything you have done for me in the past year. And when I get the opportunity, I will return the favor. Thank you.

Jay: My bestest Gay in the whole gay universe (cuz you know the gay universe is better than the straight one...lol) You have been so valuable to me. Helped me be free and learn to enjoy being gay. Your friendship is amazing and like no other. I wish someone would find you, because you are such a gem. I thank you for listening to me...so very much. I thank you for that day papa...that ONE day where my world came crashing down. Gracias.

Aaron: My secret keeper. Thanks for putting up with my bullshit. You have given me so much of your time and energy. You helped be my crutch when i didn't feel I could walk. Showed me something that I hadn't seen in a long time and put little pieces of Franky back together. Thanks for the "slap".

Miguel: My husband, I remember seeing you and saying "I'm gonna marry that guy". Never in my whole life did I ever think that we would sit down and eat and talk about how our lives are going. It is special just to do that. Thank you for listening. Thank you for letting me be an ear.

Amber Lynn: the first girl and only girl I ever loved. I miss you mamas, and even though I never call or text. You will always be here inside. I am amazingly happy for your new life and your baby girl. You have always been wonderful and an inspiration. Thank you.

Rikardo: Cap'n..well, you make me laugh and smile. I don't know many people who can do that on a constant basis. I am glad to have known you this year. I have never met someone with so many things in common. I appreciate the nickname AND never backing down from my constant Verbal MvC2 beat downs...(one day I'm gonna show you how true they are..lol) Thank you.

Pete: Pedro..you are awesome. So every awesome. You make me smile every time I see your texts. You didn't have to talk to me, but you did. I appreciate that you have always been Pete and never changed. I hope that one day, I can do the same for you. Thank You.

Matteo: Man...I can't really describe how I feel now after that talk we had. There was such clarity and understanding. I never knew you felt that way or understood so much. Thank you for your wisdom. Thank you for your point of view. Thank you for being so much Matt. You don't know how much you KNOWING means to me.

Jaimito: You amaze me Jaime. I didn't know what to expect when we first starting talking. But you hit me like lighting the first time (yeah yeah...the eyes and smile a has a lot to do with it..lol) I have learned not to judge people based on appearances cuz your outside doesn't nearly reflect all the good inside. Thank you (don't forget, I'm going down there to carry you around town on muh back..lol)

Jorge: You don't know how much of my life you gave to me. It's because of you that I was able to move some place closer. It's one less thing on my mind to worry about. You couldn't possibly understand how much it means to me to have a friend like you. You are unbelievable and I wish nothing but the best for you and Ana. Thank you Roomy!

Rodrigo: The way you see the world astounds me. The vibrant life and color around you is what you use to change the way that people see things. Through your point of view. It's clearly something that has had an effect on how I see things too. Thanks for the chats...You continue to make me speechless.

Sergio: You have made me see things in a different light. Questions that I never thought to ask myself, things I never trusted, ways that things should go. You really helped me to be more observant of these things. And I am thankful for the truths I have.

Edgar: We have known each other for a while, but never really as good till now. I am thankful for your patience. You really helped make that day better and a lot of days up until now good too. I admire how strong you are right now, and I appreciate you letting me be here for you. Thank you so very much for everything you have taught me thus far. And when RUDY is better, I will thank God him for being so good and wonderful to you. You are both in my prayers every night.

Manny: Your innocence and charm inspire me. The way you write. The way you talk. The things you have shown me have brought tears to my eyes. Things in my life have changed so very much but it seems like you have been here for so long. You get a lot of what I'm trying to say because I can see it in your writing. Thank you for your thoughts.

Jai: You helped me learn a lot about the things I never knew. I had always felt like there were things missing. Things I was ignorant about. But you made me feel at home. You made me feel like those pieces I had searched for all this time were always there. That there was nothing too far out of reach, I just needed to LOOK in the right places. Thank you so much.

Julio and Alex: You guys inspire me so much. You have given me the hope of something greater than just myself. No two people on this whole planet deserve each other more. The things you have accomplished in your lives, the gift of your love to so many people, the smiles and warmth that you have always shown me truly gives me hope in people. Give me hope in the world. Just knowing you guys makes me happy. The greatest gift that anyone could have, is just being able to be a part of your lives. Thank you for so many wonderful memories. Both of you. You two are MY hope.

There is so much beauty in the world. So many things that we forget to look at or see because we are too busy going through the motions of our daily lives.

The simplest things can bring joy to an entire world who has nothing.

But we here, have so many things and everyday that goes by we seem to be unhappy.

I am thankful that I have the opportunity to know such amazing and influential people. Knowing you all...those are my simplest joys. I see everyday all that you mean to me.

Life is so exciting and vibrant with such a kaleidoscope of people, I couldn't be happier have them all be part of something so ever changing.


Thank you guys so very much for being my constants.


I appreciate you all more than I could ever say.