Lost

"Heart don't fail me now
Courage don't desert me,
Don't turn back now that we're here.

People always say,
Life is full of choices,
No one ever mentions fear.

Or how a road can seem so long,
How a world can see so vast,
Courage see me through,
Heart I'm trusting you,
On this journey..."

-Aaliyah

Things have been changing for me ever so slowly, but they have been changing.

I thought that I had found myself this beautiful, amazing person who had no fear or doubt in the world. I was whole and complete.

This is not the case recently.

I've found myself, or rather.....LOST myself.

I don't know who or what I am right now. I have a new home, with new friends, new responsibilities and I feel like I have to find new ways to be happy.

As days go by, I am here in my new apartment by myself. It's not very much different from my old place (ALOT bigger by far) I have a room mate (I don't really see much of him) A new room, (no bed yet but I'm working on it) ...everything about this place is new...but it doesn't feel like HOME yet. It feels like a place to come and rest my head. To sleep....to watch tv...but I can't say that I completely feel comfortable here.

There is no sun light or warmth in here...

But a friend told me that it's a transition. Before, WAY before...I was independent like this. I knew what it was like to be me and DO me. But then years passed and I forgot what it was like to be that way. I knew that I didn't want to be alone so I wasn't...EVER. I was always in long relationships trying to make things work. Some were good, others bad....ONE was great. And that's the LAST thing that I knew.

This right here, is me...just me...but gosh I feel so lost. I don't know how to do any of this.

My thought and emotions are all over the place.

One day I am so completely happy, and the next I just don't want to deal with anyone at all.

But I push forward cuz I don't want to go to that dark place again. Because this time, there won't be any one to snap me out of it.

(But I'm pretty sure that, since I am aware of it...I don't have to worry about that...lol)

The only time right now that I feel completely without emotional baggage is when I'm at work. I don't have to think or feel...i just DO.

I don't have to worry about what anyone is going to think or say, cuz I make the rules. I tell people what to do and give them direction. I AM my purpose there. I know what I need to do to get things done and do it...no questions asked. My mind is in a constant idea. Always thinking of something to do to progress and get better.

How can two things so similar, be so different?

I want to be like I am at work. I want to be focused and in charge.

It sounds completely simple, I KNOW. But it's not the reality, it's two completely different beasts.

My passions are lost at my new place...my time is spent in front of the TV gorging on some kind of fattening food product (but for some reason I can NOT seem to keep on at least 160...stupid genetics...lol)

I haven't even found the want to go to the gym *GASP* ( I know, I know...such heresy...lol)

But then again, maybe that's IT...maybe because everything is just so much easier, I don't want it.

I live 3 minutes from my job, 15 minutes from my club, and 30 minutes from my gym...and those estimated times are when I walk!

I don't have to worry about money or travel...I can pretty much buy anything I want now...life should, in theory, be good....

Then I don't understand how I can be so...undecided and misplaced about things....

???

I don't know...all I can do is move forward again.

I have to find out who I am as an individual. Alone. By myself. Just Franky...

It's difficult...everyday I am home is so completely difficult. Not in an awful sort of way either. More in an I don't know what I should be doing right now.

I guess what I'm hoping for right now...is to walk this new road, (that I walk with my Ipod FULLY CHARGED and that never wastes battery) and find myself at the end again.