Today...I spoke to a friend that I have known for about 4 plus few years.
He told me that, I made him feel used.
I try to pride myself on being a great person. Someone who takes the feelings and thoughts of others around me into consideration, before my own.
But there was a time that I didn't care about anyone but myself.
I did what I wanted and was not concerned with how those around me would respond. I figured, if you were really my friend...then you would be around through anything.
In retrospect, that made me a COMPLETE asshole.
So I am putting it out there for every one to know, because I am embarrased and ashamed of the way that I had behaved.
I am sorry to anyone that I may have befriended, had sex with and never bothered calling you again.
I apologize for making the excuse that I was always busy.
I am so sorry for not giving you the time that you were giving back.
I am sorry for not being honest enough to say "I really am not prepared to have a relationship right now"
I'm sorry for purposely pushing you away.
I'm sorry for being that douchebag that we all hope to never find.
The reason all of that happened was because, he hurt me. He hurt me a lot. And all I ever wanted was to have him completely understand that he should have given me the chance...he should have loved me as hard as I loved him every single time he messed up on me.
And even though he hurt me, I still loved him deeply.
And that pissed me off.
I hated myself for not being upset with him.
He took away my goals and my dreams.
I lost my hope.
I had promised myself that no one would take that from me and someone did.
I let my guard down and someone gave me a reason to put it back up.
You know how, when you get hurt by someone, you say "I'll never do that to someone"? Well, I was so wrong for being a hypocrite.
I'm sorry for being so destructive and asking you to come along for the ride.
I know that I hurt so many of you guys. And I will do my best to never do anything like that to any of you again.
To one person in particular, My Red Ranger....I wanna tell you, if I did any thing to hurt you...you mattered the most. You were the first person that I genuinely wanted to start dating. It took a while for me to feel that, but spending time with you made my life a bit better. You were the one that put so many smiles on my face. I just want to say thank you. And maybe, things didn't work out the way we had both planned, but i have you in my life. I was sad when you weren't around or I couldn't get a hold of you. I know how hard you put forth an effort..and I was just non responsive sometimes. I was fucked up for that. But I'm glad you're still here.
I never meant to use anybody. I'm very glad that someone told me how I made them feel because, I deserve to know that I made someone feel aweful.
And anyone that I have wronged in that same way, deserves an apology.
You just let me know if I have and you will get the respect and apology you deserve.
