Some Sort Of Fairytale

So, today..I was told by someone that I was "shady". That perhaps it was put in to question that I was not reliable when it came to "payments". (Let's say that this person is F and he was told by 3 that I was AVOIDING him.)

F didn't say it was true or that he believed it and laughed it off.

I could see that F was only making fun of the situation because he has seen that I have done my part to provide a lifestyle. Not to mention...he and I have a similar understanding on how 3 can be. I have never been without money and am not one to ever tell anyone "NO" when it comes to it. (Especially if you're doing me a favor)

I will be the first to ask someone if they need gas money. I will be the first to pay for entrance so my friends can be around. I will by a round of drinks. I treat my friends when I have the means.

So maybe this person was NOT my friend. I just called him that by association.

I'm not normally one to complain about things like this. I am proud of the things that I have and like to share those things with the people around me. I've never been fake or lied about my life to anyone because my life has made me who I am.

It's obvious to me that if you are in my life, you like who I am. I treat you with respect and have listened to anything you've got to say. My heart is in it.

But because I have heard these things, all these feelings have come out about 3.

3 is a punk for saying these things about me.

He doesn't know me well enough to say things about me like this.

I have sat and listened to his lies, his drama, his complaints. I've watched his life of insanity and allowed him to taint my eyes and ears with disdain.

I feel like....I've actually SEEN him think about the lies to tell.

Lies to make him feel better about himself?? Or so that people wouldn't laugh at him or make fun of him?

I wouldn't do something like that....but he has prompted me to feel that I should.

I feel that I should be the one to tell everyone the truth why he isn't around here anymore.

Just put his shit on blast.

I feel like I should have told him "Shut up! I don't want to hear it anymore. NO ONE DOES! You're like a broken record. YOU are the definition of insanity. If you don't know what I mean LOOK IT UP!" Or maybe "People don't like you all that much. You can't be trusted. Get back to me when you can tell the truth"

But then I just become a part of his show. (Not to mention, momma didn't raise me to be like that)

But I think NOW, when I see him. I won't have the same view of him. I won't want to hug him or smile with him. I won't want to laugh with him or sit and listen to his drama.

If it bugged him, then he should have been man enough to talk to me about it. But to talk about me to someone that is close to me....makes me feel like I have been hanging around with a child. An immature one...one that doesn't quite grasp integrity or responsibility.

What kinda bugs too..is that I have no choice but to deal with him.

He's got little to no long term friends and I think that THAT is going to be a running trend if he continues the behavior.

I've wasted time pondering all his embelishments and confabulations....and conemplate if it's the life he wishes he had, cuz I don't think its ever happened. Not to him OR to anyone. Is he aware of how it sounds to EVERYONE?"

I am truly convinced that he suffers from pseudologia fantastica...that's the perfect diagnosis.

And so, to put it there...I need to get it off my chest.

And if YOU are reading this, then I hope I make my point. It's out there for you to see and read...if you happen to stumble upon it, I can assuredly say that it was NOT by accident. You're just that nosey. I think that you will use this to say something negative about me. But by me never saying whether it is you or not, it will drive you a bit more insane that you already are.

You've lost my respect.

I will tolerate you because I have to.

I will be polite and nothing but the best of who I am around you.

But my feelings about you from here on out are quite clear.

You're a dick. You're drama. You make people sick and tired of hearing about a pain you infllict on yourself. You drive people away because your honesty is deminished by your lack of self respect. I can see you laying in bed satisfied that you made up some amazing adventure to tell people. You NEED other people to validate what you are saying and believe to be true because its not true unless others believe your farce too.

But it's just that...some sordid fairytale.

With everything I have...i am so Sorry

Today...I spoke to a friend that I have known for about 4 plus few years.

He told me that, I made him feel used.

I try to pride myself on being a great person. Someone who takes the feelings and thoughts of others around me into consideration, before my own.

But there was a time that I didn't care about anyone but myself.

I did what I wanted and was not concerned with how those around me would respond. I figured, if you were really my friend...then you would be around through anything.

In retrospect, that made me a COMPLETE asshole.

So I am putting it out there for every one to know, because I am embarrased and ashamed of the way that I had behaved.

I am sorry to anyone that I may have befriended, had sex with and never bothered calling you again.

I apologize for making the excuse that I was always busy.

I am so sorry for not giving you the time that you were giving back.

I am sorry for not being honest enough to say "I really am not prepared to have a relationship right now"

I'm sorry for purposely pushing you away.

I'm sorry for being that douchebag that we all hope to never find.

The reason all of that happened was because, he hurt me. He hurt me a lot. And all I ever wanted was to have him completely understand that he should have given me the chance...he should have loved me as hard as I loved him every single time he messed up on me.

And even though he hurt me, I still loved him deeply.

And that pissed me off.

I hated myself for not being upset with him.

He took away my goals and my dreams.

I lost my hope.

I had promised myself that no one would take that from me and someone did.

I let my guard down and someone gave me a reason to put it back up.

You know how, when you get hurt by someone, you say "I'll never do that to someone"? Well, I was so wrong for being a hypocrite.

I'm sorry for being so destructive and asking you to come along for the ride.

I know that I hurt so many of you guys. And I will do my best to never do anything like that to any of you again.

To one person in particular, My Red Ranger....I wanna tell you, if I did any thing to hurt you...you mattered the most. You were the first person that I genuinely wanted to start dating. It took a while for me to feel that, but spending time with you made my life a bit better. You were the one that put so many smiles on my face. I just want to say thank you. And maybe, things didn't work out the way we had both planned, but i have you in my life. I was sad when you weren't around or I couldn't get a hold of you. I know how hard you put forth an effort..and I was just non responsive sometimes. I was fucked up for that. But I'm glad you're still here.

I never meant to use anybody. I'm very glad that someone told me how I made them feel because, I deserve to know that I made someone feel aweful.

And anyone that I have wronged in that same way, deserves an apology.

You just let me know if I have and you will get the respect and apology you deserve.

My one and only

When every thing is said and done,
In all the world there's only one,
Who hugs us tight and dries our tears,
Or saves us from our nighttime fears.

Just before we go to bed,

She'd tuck us in and kiss our head.

"Sweet dreams my darling. Please sleep tight"

Was all you needed to rest through the night.

She scolded us when we were bad,
And even though it made her sad,
The reason for it all along,
Was to teach us right from wrong.

She pushed us hard to do our best,

To tackle every single test,

And even when our lives got loud,

We do the best to make her proud.


So just one day is not enough,
To praise the superhero tough,
People in our lives who teach,
That nothing is out of our reach.

It's cuz of her you try again.
Because you can remember when,
She picked you up when you were small,
And said "you can do ANYTHING at all"

She's got the hardest job to do,
But always knows how to get through.
She does so much you ask how or why,
I think because some moms can fly.

So here's to you MY everything,
You're proof that angels don't need wings.
Your words and love have molded me,
Into the man I'm proud to be.

I'm everything because of you,
And know there's nothing I can't do.
You kept me on the beaten track,
I wish one day to pay you back.

So here's a poem from my heart,
To prove that this is paybacks start.
I am blessed to have you and no other,
I love you....my one and only,

Mother.

It's loud in here

Today, not so much a good day.

It got loud in my head.

I have a few thoughts that slip in and slip out.

I ask for help..

it works....For a bit....

I wonder how long it takes.

I think that if I try to force it that it's gonna take TOO long.

But if I never want it, if I never ask for it, I won't get it.

So how does it work?

Being unsure is crappy.

But today...it was not a good day.

Making a decision

I’ve been attempting to make a decision.

Truthfully, this is one of the hardest things I have had to decide on in my adult life.

I have to decide on whether or not I want to continue to hurt myself.

Ya see, I had a friend who meant the world to me. He meant so much to me in fact that, I was willing to help him in any way imaginable. Actually, I DID. I did something for him that I never thought I would do for anyone EVER.

Well, things went sour and little by little the person that I loved more than I loved myself did something very hurtful to me.

Now, one thinks that if you are a true friend that nothing can come between friendships.

This is sorta true. I didn’t let it come in between ours I just needed some time to figure out how to continue going about trusting my friend. He had broken my trust so many times, on MAJOR levels. Was I going to continue to let him in to my comfort zone? Or would I stop confiding in the one person who knew me inside and out?

Well, HE ended up making that decision for me. He decided to remove me from him life. I felt, at first, a little ripped off. How was it going to be HE that turned this whole thing around to be about ME hurting HIM?

Like so many times before, he wronged me and I was going to pay for it.

But I started to think of how angry it made me. It was decaying me on the inside. I would think of scenarios…not very good ones…where something god awful would happen and I would revel in it.

Then, there were times where I was sad and would wonder how he could be so cruel and selfish.
I am a good person…a forgiving and loving person. My friends are my family…they are the reason I smile and laugh. I will and would do anything for those people closest to me, and in some cases for people I barely even know.

So why was this breaking my heart?

I am a better person than that. And I KNOW that my light shines bright. So, I caught myself. I stopped myself from destroying ME.

I prayed…still do, that God will grant me the ability to overcome this. I pray that, I will stand with my head up high knowing that I did the right thing. And I learned from this…

I will move forward…I will forgive and forget. But not just of this ONE instance, from ALL of them.

It’s time to move on and forget about all those things that hurt or that caused me pain. I think that I’ve learned enough in life that I can LIVE without the pain.

I have an amazing man by my side. He wakes me up every morning and kisses my lips. He holds me at night and whispers in my ear. He brings me Pinkberry to make me feel better and smells like heaven. He makes me smile…I make ME smile. I’m in love with someone who loves me just as much.
And that’s more than enough reason to not think about what was…I need to think about what WILL be.

I have my experiences. I have my past and accomplishments of them.

And now, it’s time to learn…and let go. Be truly as free as I have always wanted to be.

The only thing that keeps me down is those things that USED to keep me down. But how can they have so much power?? They don’t unless I let them have power.

So….yesterday, as I lay on the living room floor with my bedroom mattress; next to my boo….I decided. I’m going to get over it.

I have decided to let God help me with this trial. I will let him lead the way and take the angst from my heart.

I will hold no ill will. I will not think negatively about anything. I will no longer be sad that my friend is gone. I will be okay. I will be happy. And when the time comes I will look him in the eye, shake his hand and tell him “it was nice to have met you.”

Reasons

So as we were talking tonight, I had remembered reasons...

Reasons for the way that you make me smile, or the reasons you make me happy.

and so....I decided to document them just in case you forget. (or perhaps, I forget because I'm old...lol)

Reason #1: The way that you sound excited every time you answer the phone.

Baby, no matter how awful my day is, when I call you...you always sound so wonderful when I call you. It's like a million smiles all dressed in one petite package. The sound of your voice when I call you WHEREVER you are..it's a feeling that I just can't describe to you.

I don't really remember what reason number two is..but it's something pretty wonderful. ( I no doubt am sure it has to do with the way you smile because when you do..I forget where I am. Who I am....I'm enthralled by you. (My Serena..HAHAHA)

Reason #3: The faces you make in the shower. ( I think that my most pivotal moments are in the shower. I have never known how much I've loved a man except in the shower) LMAO

Reason#4: You sing with me in the car. Oh poppa. you sing like an angel. You may think that no one is listening, but I am.....my heart is...you sing wonderfully. The first man that can keep a note (noooooo, I'm not hating on the tone deaf men before, but this is different YOU know what I mean cuz you're there right now)

Life is different..it's colorful...it's smiles and rainbows and unicorns (although you say "I want to go on a horseback ride...I cringe..but I AM THERE with you)

This new adventure is about experiencing life untold.

What ever I had ever wanted to see or feel...is here. I love you Poppa. I love you much. I hope that there will be countless ways I can say to you "I love you" because THIS is only just one way.

"oooooooooh somebody...Ohhhhh Somebody...can any body find meeeee.....Somebody to loooOOOOooooooVE"

I welcome what's to come..this is a life that I've never had the chance to endulge in ..I am a man right now.

Besides all the past, what ever the future may bring.....

The present is where I am at..you have me.

100% you are my baby.

You are my dream...the waking moment.

I had hope for this....

I am...I love... :-)

Such a Giver...

I'm a little bothered. I'm not going to put any names out there, I'm just going to vent.

I met a man that said "I let him go because of my mothering nature....I let him go because I did TOO much for him. I cleaned his clothes, I gave him a place to stay, I gave him money. (Mind you, he did not have a job) I took care of him when he was drunk...I was too caring for him...."

So here is my problem with that, THAT'S THE KIND OF SHIT THAT YOU DO FOR SOMEONE YOU'RE WITH! It's not only good times. There are gonna be some bumps in the road where you HAVE to take the reigns if you are gonna offer your life and heart to someone then you give EVERYTHING, you don't present only a little bit or just the pieces that you want, jackass.

This guy was so completely SELFISH. He made it seem like such a burden to be such a fantastic, generous and giving person. What a tool. The minute that you can only think of yourself when you're in a relationship..then you deserve to be alone.

For months and months this guy was SUCH a giver...he wanted to give some ass to someone that WASN'T his boyfriend.

Now...this is bullshit! You don't cheat on your lover. If you are THAT caring for someone then you get the fuck out of the relationship. Don't be a pussy. You could have left whenever you wanted and instead you chose to fuck around on the internet. You are a douche!


I asked, "How can you do that to someone that you love?" He said, "Don't worry about it. Destiny has it's twists and turns"

NO! NO YOU FUCKING MORON!! DESTINY DOES NOT HAVE TWISTS AND TURNS!!! Destiny is a course of events that will EVENTUALLY HAPPEN! You have NO control over destiny It's set in stone, the end result is how it's supposed to be. Don't speak on things that you don't understand! Unless you are trying to say that eventually, you were going to cheat on him.

Allow me a moment to show you how it is properly used "You are destined to be an asshole"

So I guess prophecy fulfilled.

I do not have respect for this person that may have at one point been a friend.


I guess...the missing pieces of WHY you did the things you did to him was filled in by me...so in some ways, his destiny quip is true. I guess, I was here for a reason. He didn't have closure on your relationship...he never knew, but just had a feeling. I had the answers that he needed, only I didn't know that the answers I had were for him...I didn't even know I HAD answers.